four words

it may take a long while, but i want to get to the point where i can honestly say that

jesus is my life

where the two are inseparable. where "i" disappears.

accountability

the other day i was talking to my dear sister sandy about an area in my life that tends to require some "tough love" advice. without fail, she was faithful to speak her mind about the matter. she was right in her opinions even before i got the full story out. in my pride i was instantly frustrated and rushed to justify things in my head - but there was no use in doing that.

i am a creature that struggles with pride - one talented in the art of justification - one in need of loving friends like sandy to call me to the table on crap.

while there are some aspects of my life that are not blogable (word?) like the specifics of the situation mentioned above, memorizing scripture is not one of those. lately the Lord has been bringing up the importance of memorizing scripture and in my pride i have been disobedient in doing so.

i'm assuming not many read this, even less would actually ask, but regardless here's the request for accountability. i'm currently working on memorizing 2 Peter 1. I just started, and i'm doing at least 1 verse a day, maybe 2. so ask me how it's going if you happen to remember.

the whole purpose of this blog was for me to be able to look back and remember what the Lord has taught me. even if no one reads it, or if no one remembers to ask about something like scripture memory - it's posted here, as a sign for me... something more difficult to wiggle out of.

20

so i was reading some more in ezekiel and i got through chapters 19 and 20. a few things struck me as i was reading this morning - things that just left me trying to wrap my head around such a cool God.

Here are some thoughts I had while reading - I'm no authority, but here it goes.

* the Lord consistently withheld punishment and showed mercy because of His name and reputation - so that the nations would know that He was God and that He fulfilled His word. (verses 9, 14, 22) Instead of dealing with Israel like their "evil ways and corrupt practices" deserved, He chose to deal with Israel for His name's sake, so that they would know that He was the Lord.
(20:44) - "You will know that I am the Lord, when I deal with you for my name's sake and not according to your evil ways and your corrupt practices, O house of Israel, declares the Sovereign Lord."


* the Sabbath was a gift - not just for resting, but it was a sign between the Lord and Israel - a sign that they could look at and know that the Lord had made them holy... that they were set apart. God wants days of rest with us - like if you took the day to spend with someone, just the two of you to chill - no noise or work, you just get to know each other. you set yourselves apart from the world just to get a little deeper into each other - Holy God wants that with us. It's almost like He's taken a sharpie to Israel's calendar and marked out each Sabbath as a "date day" - for them to get away with each other, for Him to remind them that He's made them holy - for Him to restore them. The living God wants to rest with us - to get away from the world and to remind us that He's set us apart.
(20:12) - "Also, I gave them my Sabbaths as a sign between us, so they would know that I the Lord made them holy."

* not only did Israel reject God's laws, disobey His decrees, and ruin His Sabbaths - they put their hearts and senses into pursuing idols.

(20:16) - "...For their hearts were devoted to idols."
(20:24) - "...their eyes lusted after their father's idols."
(20:30) - "...will you defile yourselves the way your fathers did and lust after their vile images?" (the Lord to Israel)

They craved idols and images so much that they wanted to be like the other nations who worshiped them.
(20:32) - "You say, 'We want to be like the nations, like the peoples of the world, who serve wood and stone.' But what you have in mind will never happen."

God is not only merciful and trustworthy, He is also jealous and His jealousy is a HUGE part of His love. If you're the best thing in existence, doesn't it make sense to want all of the ones you love? If loving someone means you want the best for them, and you're the best - then you want them, not just because you deserve it as the best thing ever, but because you love them. So rather than honoring Israel's mind to be like the other idol-worshiping nations, He said it would never happen. He goes to great lengths to draw them back and reveal Himself to them. How merciful and faithful is my God?

honesty

if i'm being honest, my time in the Word lately has been half-hearted at best. i haven't been consistent or really desired having a quiet time since school got out - maybe it's the change in structure and routine, but really i've just been apathetic about it. reading Scripture for 10 minutes maybe has been done just to appease my conscience so i don't feel guilty spending my time watching TV, online, or working out.

driving home today from Savannah it hit me that i hadn't even touched my Bible all day. then conviction came when i realized that my day was the same as any other day i had spent time in the Word.

seems to me that if i spend time with the God of the Universe on Monday, Monday should be different than any other day that i don't. On that Monday, when I encounter Holy God and His living word - you better believe I'm going to remember it - it'll change my day for sure. that's just what I think anyways.

there's a problem, a big heart problem - a pride problem. when was the last time i got on my knees and worshipped - or just sat - in the presence of God? i don't know about you - but posture makes a huge difference for me. the posture of my heart follows the posture of my body quite quickly. even so - when was the last time i had a "quiet time" and invited the Lord? Granted, He's in me and always with me - but imagine being in the same room with someone and them not inviting you to come sit and watch a movie with them. Imagine that, when they talk to you, they speak at you until they get it all out, and then turn back to the TV and ignore you. Are you with them still? Sure... I guess.

conviction was good - i'd been asking for it. repentance followed, but then so did guilty feelings. feelings that were depressing - like i was such a crappy kid and when would i ever learn? would i always struggle with the same things? i'm so dumb, i know better, why do i do what i do? etc. why on earth does God love me and what does that even look like?

well if God is love, and love is all that 1 Cor 13 says it is and if God loves me, then logically:

God is patient with me. God is kind towards me. God does not envy (ish - He's a jealous God that's for sure, but He's got a right to be - He's the only one worth anything and everything, so in all honesty the fact that He has to be jealous really exposes something wrong in us - maybe?). God does not boast (we ought to be boasting about Him, and creation is bursting to tell of Him - but like the jealousy thing - He's got a right to boast). God is not proud (in fact, Scripture says He is gentle and humble in heart). God is not rude. God is not self-seeking (ish - I mean, He's God - He has to be self-seeking ultimately because He's the only one worth seeking. He's selfish - it's all for His glory). God is not easily angered. God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevers. God never fails.

when I encounter that God it ought to throw me for a loop - my day ought to be different - i ought to be different. it's elementary - you can spend all the time you want in the Word, but with a stubborn and rebellious heart you will be blind and deaf towards the Living God.

i am starving for the Living God.

my friend abbey

my lovely friend abbey is currently in mexico for the summer, hanging out with groups who come to do ministry. the Lord seems to be teaching her pretty cool stuff, so of course I wanted to share it. it encouraged me, and hopefully she won't kill me for this ;)

idolatry and undivided hearts

""They will return to it and remove all its vile images and detestable idols. I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh. Then they will follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. They will be my people, and I will be their God. "
-Ezekiel 11:18-20

I want an undivided heart. I want a heart of flesh - not one of stubborn and rebellious stone. I want one that breaks - one that's filled with Godly sorrow that leads to repentance instead of pride and arrogance. I dont want to be distracted with me, but wholeheartedly committed to Him. I want to want that. I want that to be true of me - that I live out an undivided heart and in a new spirit. Instead, I just hang out in the old - but He's dealt with the old.

As my dear friend Autumn once told me, I want "heaven goggles."

Open up the eyes and ears of Your child.

falling short

"The king will mourn, the prince will be clothed with despair, and the hands of the people of the land will tremble. I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards I will judge them. Then they will know that I am the LORD."

-Ezekiel 7:27

I found this verse interesting this morning, along with chapters 6 and the rest of 7. It's all about God's destruction on Israel for their sin and idolatry. It's not just the actions of their sinning but their hearts - their "adulterous hearts" that turned away from the Lord and their "lust" for idolatry. I mean, I knew God took sin seriously - but somehow when He describes that kind of destruction it makes it seem more serious than saying "the wages of sin is death." Sure, death is awful - but when your idea of death is dying in your sleep, somehow torture, war, famine and plagues seem a bit worse.

In Romans 3:23 it says that "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (alex corley paraphrase-ish... look it up for word-for-word). Basically - we've missed the target completely according to God's standards of perfection. Isn't it interesting though, that in this verse in Ezekiel God says He'll judge the people by their own standards. Even then they've fallen completely short!

Not only have we missed the mark and failed at following the standards of a Holy God, we've fallen short of following our own standards perfectly. In other words - it doesn't matter what our excuses are or what we believe about the existence of a God - even for those who don't know His word or have it to obey will be judged by how they followed the standards of their consciences... and even then we can't do that right!

I mean, if I say that one of the things I value is honesty and that I believe lying is wrong - the Honesty becomes a standard for me to follow. But what happens when I get caught in a sticky situation and end up lying? I've fallen short of my own standard of Honesty.

I just found it interesting. Even more interesting to see how much God hates sin, and how little I can identify with that feeling. But I want to - I want His heart.

crazy commands

i'm in ezekiel now - i started it earlier this week, and already it has some crazy stuff in it.

Today was Ezekiel 4-5.
God tells Ezekiel to draw the city of Jerusalem, and then draw it being seiged. Then He tells him to put an iron pan in between him and the city. After that, He tells him to lie on his side for 390 days bearing the sins of Israel on him. After 390 days was over, Ezekiel was to turn over on the other side (his right side) and lie down for another 40 days, bearing the sins of Judah. God told him that He would tie him up with ropes so that he couldn't turn from one side to the other until the days were up.

THEN God tells him what He should eat and how he should prepare it. Ezekiel gets wheat, barley, beans and lentils, millet and spelt (all foods representing a vegetarian diet - meagar provisions for a beseiged city according to my Bible note). For starters - millet and spelt sound awful. He was to eat about 8 ounces of food a day at certain "set times". He was also only allowed about 2/3 quarts of water a day. Now if 2 cups are in 1 pint, and 2 pints are in one quart - He's got less than 4 cups of water a day to drink... and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's hot over there. That's just what Ezekiel got to have - now here's how he had to cook it

Initially, God told him to bake it in front of people, using human excrement as fuel. Why? Because it was to symbolize how Israel would have to eat defiled food when they were driven out because of their sin. Ezekiel told the Lord he had never eaten anything unclean or defiled himself, and the Lord agreed to let him bake his food over cow manure instead (how nice!).

Then God tells Ezekiel in Chapter 5 to shave his head and beard with a sword - and after the days of lying on his side were up, he was to divide the hair up and put it in different places around the city as a symbol of what was to happen with Israel.

I've been amazed at what the Lord has asked and commanded of those who seek Him in the Old Testament.
Abraham to just pack up and move on a promise
Moses, a fugitive who couldn't hardly speak, to return and lead a nation out of slavery
Joshua, to go up against many nations at once in battle with the promise that God would fight for him.
Jeremiah, Isaiah, Hosea, the list goes on. Crazy things, like marrying a whore and constantly taking her back. Like going up in front of those who want you dead and speaking the word of God, hoping He comes through with the whole "I'll protect you" promise.
but more than that - I'm amazed at their faith. They knew the voice of God and were crazy about Him - so crazy that they did what He asked.
I want that - I can't say I want to lie on my side for over a year and eat barley cooked over cow dung, I don't want that - but I want that kind of faith and wholehearted committment.

the f word

haha sometimes i find corny humor fun - at other times it's plain annoying... i hope the title is more fun than annoying.

fear.

blah.

so i'm a 'fraidy cat... i am not go jump-off-a-cliff kinda girl, nor do i like rollercoasters, big dogs chasing me, dark houses, driving back roads by myself at midnight/one am, etc. not a fan... and if you are a fan of that last one, then my friend you are weird.

the truth that "perfect love casts out fear" has been coming up a lot in my mind and life recently... through various sources (hmm... God?) and i know that my being so fearful lately of different things is evidence that i haven't been receiving the Lord's love for me. for some reason - receiving love is incredibly difficult for me.

today in church, mr. cloud used that verse for something - and his comment about it struck me. he didn't say anything new or revolutionary, but simple and logical

the presence of fear in my life indicates that i'm not trusting the Lord.
wow.
to the degree that i have fear may just be the degree to which I'm not resting in the Lord.

when you know that someone loves you, that they're in your corner, watching out for your best - you're not goign to be afraid when you're with them because you know that they are for you not against you.

hmm - the Lord is for me, not against me. He longs to show me compassion. He is slow to anger, abounding in love. He has removed my sins as far as the east is from the west. When I am unfaithful, He still calls me "Daughter." His hand is on me.

The hand that holds the wind in it's storehouses, that hand - that hand that palms the galaxies... that hand - it's on me.

so why do i fear? what have i to fear?

crazy love

reading crazy love by francis chan.

convicting.