promises

Oh Mondays...

It's that time of the year again - the dreaded time of having to decide where and with whom you will live with the following year. do you stick with the people you've lived with for the past year, or do you brave living with new people you don't know well... and if you do change it up, there's that awkard-can't-help-but-hurt-a-bit conversation you have to have with your current roommate(s). I'm there.

The past two weeks have been craziness- I've met my new roommate, continue to take care of a handicapped roommate, all while trying to keep my head above water with school work. I've cried a lot - I even had an anxiety attack Sunday morning in church - something that hasn't happened in about a year.

I am a sensitive creature - this is my discovery. I'm sensitive to stress, but I can't say no - I can't walk out. The past few weeks have been so high stress in our apartment just because we all have stressful schedules, we're adapting to a new living situation, we're tired or we're in pain (Susan), we're frustrated and behind - it's not just my stress that I deal with - but the stress of everyone around me. Someone has a problem with another one and tells me instead of them, etc. And I can't handle it. Part of me wishes I was like Sandy - that I could just walk out and get away - but I can't. If I did - who would help? who would step up? She says I "race" to do it, but she just leaves. There's nothing wrong with it - it's just that we're different.

I'm afraid - because I have no idea what to do or where to live or who to live with next year. Do I sign that lease off campus for a whole year for an apartment of strangers? Do I stay conveniently on campus and risk getting paired with crazy people? Everyone has plans, and then there's me.

I was used to it in highschool - always being "there" but never being central, essential.

I've been talking to the Lord a lot - mostly because I have no one else to talk to. Anyways - He told me to "Be still and know that I am God" - so I tried. It was nice - He took me to Psalm 46, all of which is incredible, and then to Psalm 46:5
"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day"

I know that the Lord is within me because His word tells me so - I know that He has good plans for me, to prosper and not to harm me - I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that He is sovereign, not surprised by anything. I know that His eyes - they're gentle and full of love - I know that He is my refuge and my strength, my ever-present help in trouble (Ps 46:1). I know that things fall apart when I try to be in control, try to handle life in my own strength and in my own thought process.

I know that the Lord is God (Yahweh). It is He who made me, and I am His - I am one of His people, the sheep of His pasture - Ps 100:3.

I know that my Jesus is good at heart. He's brought me this far - I know that He'll bring me further - though I can't see it yet.

May it be so. I wish I had a bigger faith.

past

so this weekend i came home with the goal of getting a bunch of homework done and packing up my room. What actually happened was that I ate a ton of great food, watched a fair amount of tv, and went shopping with my mom for furniture and mirrors. I also went back into time.

before my room could be packed up, a lot of embarrassing stuff had to be thrown away. not bad stuff, just embarrassing middle school stuff that you never want to be reminded of. things like notes, cards, journals - all about a boy, from a boy, or drama resulting because of a boy's existance.

can i just say - i'm soo happy to be out of middle school, even high school.

it was funny to read some of the stuff - most of which was thrown away.
other things were encouraging and reading over them again, i was glad i had been such a pack rat.
i found a poem from when i was 9 years old - i'll let you relive it with me.

"South Carolina" (9/11/97)- by Alexandra Kirsten (obviously couldn't spell my own middle name) Corley

Oh, beautiful state.

Oh, beautiful flower.

Oh, beautiful bird.

Oh, beautiful spring shower.

I love my South Carolina State.

It's mine to keep, and I love to hear the baby chicks go peep, peep, peep.

stuff like that - i have no idea where it came from, other than that it was written in my Lisa Frank journal on hot pink paper with fluffy clouds. (That was one creepy diary looking back).

among other things, I found cards signed by my grandmother before she passed away. To see her name on a card, her handwriting - i kept all of them.

journals from Cuba, Kenya and Costa Rica - remembering what the Lord did in all of those places by rereading them was awesome.

notes and cards from friends from the time my grandmother passed away - they were real, honest, loving, and i was reminded of how blessed i am to still have those friendships today.

while it was embarrassing, i had quite a few chuckles and episodes where i just had to roll my eyes at myself. it was a good weekend - it was good to be reminded. in some areas, i think i've grown a lot, but in many others - i'm still dealing with the same issues. finding my self worth in christ, being secure and at peace with who I am, being confident of my relationship with Jesus and in my faith, trusting and depending fully on Him instead of worrying - i've learned new things, but i still deal with those issues daily. it makes me wonder what kind of woman i'll be 5, 6 and 7 years from now. Will i be this embarrassed to go and relive my highschool and college days? maybe. Will i still deal with the same issues I did in the 7th grade - most likely, but on a different level.

regardless, i survived this weekend. i am who i am today because of the past that i have - and the beautiful thing is that it's the past... it's gone. and i get to walk in freedom from it - which is something i'm learning how to do.

<3

the start of a new semester

so the semester has started - i could cry.

the Lord is good - I've got a great roommate who's cute and loves the Lord. I'm excited to see how we get along and get to know each other this semester. God's really worked in cool ways and we seem to have a lot in common.

I've also got more than enough hours and options to fulfill all of my requirements this semester - the trouble and overwhelming part is trying to pick the right classes to keep and those to drop. All of my classes this semester are really difficult and require a lot more work than I anticipated. There are tons of essays and analysis that have to be done, on top of a literal ton of reading. I know the Lord won't give me more than I can handle with Him - and I know I'm capable of doing this with His help (more than capable) - but I detest writing essays and I worry about having classes that are graded so subjectively (because I still the compulsive need to be "perfect"). I will not be perfect this semester (not that I ever had, but I might have to kiss my 4.0 goodbye) - but I have to trust that that's not important.

This is what is important - this is truth that does not change:
*God is faithful - He won't give me more than He and I can't handle.
*My self worth is NOT (self worth = performance + others' opinions).
*My worth is unchanging in Christ
*In Christ I am unconditionally loved and fully accepted.
*God keeps His promises - He never fails (or He's not God) - which means that He has great plans for my life - and if it's not great grades or passing certain classes that are "required" for my major - then it's something better.
*I am more than okay - the Lord is my strength.


Now if I just keep repeating those - I'll be good. I might still cry though ;)

running late to class -
<3