I have a bad habit of letting e-mails pile up in my inbox. I'm pretty sure it's insulting to Gmail how disorganized my inbox actually is. Anyways, I finally sat down to read those lingering messages today and came across an invitation to apply for Vanderbilt's Nurse Residency program. It as sent through Clemson to all of the nursing students, and I typically take forever to read those.
I was wasting time before studying, so I thought I would check the program out. Turns out VUMC offers a CNM/FNP dual program (Certified Nurse Midwife/Family Nurse Practitioner). I've been trying to decide what to do. Ideally, I want to work with women and children and be able to continue caring for families that I've established a relationship with - which would translate into being both a CNM and a FNP. That's a lot of school, so I was trying to pick just one. Turns out, I could do both at the same time!
Working at VUMC for a year would qualify me for tuition assistance for grad school - which would be a massive help as well.
Applications for the program go up Monday with interviews and acceptance news in March. It's all so crazy that the season of college is coming to a close so quickly.
I have no idea what's next, and I just want to enjoy what's now. I know the Lord has good plans for me and that He's sovereign - I need His wisdom for this next season. I crave your prayers.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
monday
"Love your enemies." "Pray for those who persecute you." "Do not worry." "Forgive as I've forgive you." "Take up your cross, deny yourself, come - run after me, follow me."
"Jesus - that's hard."
"Alex, I've given you everything you need for life and godliness through knowing me..."
Such has been the conversation of the past weekend - trying to take Jesus literally (astounding concept!) is difficult - not to make that an excuse not to follow Him - just to state an obvious truth. However, He's given me all that I need. Trusting Him looks like obedience in faith that His word is true - that He has indeed given me all I need for life and godliness (2Peter1:3-4).
In other news, I feel like I had a pretty productive day - even though it started with avoiding resting in the Father's presence for a few precious moments. He's after my heart though, so I turned off the TV and got some one-on-one that was much needed.
Turned in a project, had lunch with my clinical group (Panera - yum!), picked up my prescription (drug companies make a ton of money), cooked a turkey (yes - a 12lb bird and I bonded - turkey guts are not my fav), made some mac'n'cheese (like momma, but her's is better), cleaned my room (dusted, vacuumed, the works), put laundry away (like, in a closet), organized my desk (eek), cleaned the kitchen, washed some dishes, blogged. Shees. About to clean my bathtub so I can take a bubble bath before snuggling into clean, fresh sheets.
I've managed to do everything under the sun except for studying for my upcoming test. I'm the closest I've ever been to being over school.
On the future front: I looked up Compassion International and Living Water International for potential job opportunities. I am equally thrilled and afraid of serving overseas, but I can't escape the truth that my gifts were designed to help meet need - whether in the States or overseas.
<3 a
"Jesus - that's hard."
"Alex, I've given you everything you need for life and godliness through knowing me..."
Such has been the conversation of the past weekend - trying to take Jesus literally (astounding concept!) is difficult - not to make that an excuse not to follow Him - just to state an obvious truth. However, He's given me all that I need. Trusting Him looks like obedience in faith that His word is true - that He has indeed given me all I need for life and godliness (2Peter1:3-4).
In other news, I feel like I had a pretty productive day - even though it started with avoiding resting in the Father's presence for a few precious moments. He's after my heart though, so I turned off the TV and got some one-on-one that was much needed.
Turned in a project, had lunch with my clinical group (Panera - yum!), picked up my prescription (drug companies make a ton of money), cooked a turkey (yes - a 12lb bird and I bonded - turkey guts are not my fav), made some mac'n'cheese (like momma, but her's is better), cleaned my room (dusted, vacuumed, the works), put laundry away (like, in a closet), organized my desk (eek), cleaned the kitchen, washed some dishes, blogged. Shees. About to clean my bathtub so I can take a bubble bath before snuggling into clean, fresh sheets.
I've managed to do everything under the sun except for studying for my upcoming test. I'm the closest I've ever been to being over school.
On the future front: I looked up Compassion International and Living Water International for potential job opportunities. I am equally thrilled and afraid of serving overseas, but I can't escape the truth that my gifts were designed to help meet need - whether in the States or overseas.
<3 a
Saturday, November 6, 2010
insecurity part 2
Today I was cleaning my room and listening to talks from last year's Passion conference. I started with Andy Stanley's talk - I love that he always repeats his points so often. "It is always a mistake to determine what you want to do before you first decide who you want to be." He went onto talk about the talent, the gifts, the intellect in the arena - telling us that our gifts and abilities had the potential to take us beyond what our character could handle if we failed to decide who we wanted to be before determining what we were going to do. There's that core foundation of deciding who you want to be and what's at stake if you aren't that person. For example - I want to be a pure person, but why? What's at stake if I'm not pure? Intimacy is at stake - purity paves the way to intimacy.
What does this have to do with insecurity?
I followed Andy's talk with Francis Chan's talk. Francis talked about trembling at the Word of God - do I tremble at His Word? When Scripture says, "Love one another" is my heart to go and love others because Holy God told me to love? Etc. He spoke from 2 Peter 1 about how God has given us everything we need for life and godliness (v3). The text pretty much speaks for itself:
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (3-4)
It's the living word of God - and if I believe that God's word is truth then this tells me a few things:
1. God has given me all that I need for life and godliness- I have no excuse to sin or chose anything other than following Him. It is not easy, but I have all that I need. He has thoroughly equipped me.
2. Knowing the Lord is crucial, vital to understanding all that I have in Him. Approaching Scripture with reverence, humility, and trembling because it is the Living Word of Holy God changes the way I read it completely. It is no longer a boring book with lots of rules and wise advice - it's life.
3. I have been given very great and precious promises - such as the promise of salvation - I have been given a new nature, I am no longer dead in sin but alive in Christ - Christ is in me - I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am no longer just a human being - made only of flesh and blood - I have been made new!
Neither one of these talks were about security, and though I had heard them before, listening to them again was so convicting and refreshing. However, it made me think about insecurity.
1. I'm at that place where I have to decide what I want to do with my life - I'm graduating in May and I'll start looking for jobs soon - but what do I want to do? I put so much emphasis on my appearance, my performance, my relationships - I've fallen into the trap of putting so much stock into who I know, what others think of me, etc. that I've failed to think about who I want to be. Do I really want to get to the end of my life and have people remember me for my grades? for my skewed priorities of putting performance before people? There is no security when I place my identity in my performance. I've realized a huge part of my insecurity stems from the fear of screwing up beyond repair - and yet the Lord gently says to me, "Alex, you cannot screw this up. I have good plans for you- I will complete the good work I began in you. Let me take this, let it go." I have overestimated my potential to screw things up and my ability to control stuff and underestimated the Lord's ability and power to sovereignly hold me. It's called pride. And I will never rest securely until I realize that who I am is more important than what I do. I can "do" all day long, but my "doing" flows from my "being" and if my "being" is not an overflow of the Holy Spirit than my "doing" has no foundation or lasting impact.
2. I've been equipped to become the woman that I want to be because I have been given everything I need to live a Godly life. I am no longer a slave to sin but I am a slave to righteousness. I am a daughter of the King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Creator God. I am a partaker in the divine nature - I have a new nature. My identity is secure in the faithfulness of God - because He does not change and His word is truth.
What does this have to do with insecurity?
I followed Andy's talk with Francis Chan's talk. Francis talked about trembling at the Word of God - do I tremble at His Word? When Scripture says, "Love one another" is my heart to go and love others because Holy God told me to love? Etc. He spoke from 2 Peter 1 about how God has given us everything we need for life and godliness (v3). The text pretty much speaks for itself:
"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (3-4)
It's the living word of God - and if I believe that God's word is truth then this tells me a few things:
1. God has given me all that I need for life and godliness- I have no excuse to sin or chose anything other than following Him. It is not easy, but I have all that I need. He has thoroughly equipped me.
2. Knowing the Lord is crucial, vital to understanding all that I have in Him. Approaching Scripture with reverence, humility, and trembling because it is the Living Word of Holy God changes the way I read it completely. It is no longer a boring book with lots of rules and wise advice - it's life.
3. I have been given very great and precious promises - such as the promise of salvation - I have been given a new nature, I am no longer dead in sin but alive in Christ - Christ is in me - I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am no longer just a human being - made only of flesh and blood - I have been made new!
Neither one of these talks were about security, and though I had heard them before, listening to them again was so convicting and refreshing. However, it made me think about insecurity.
1. I'm at that place where I have to decide what I want to do with my life - I'm graduating in May and I'll start looking for jobs soon - but what do I want to do? I put so much emphasis on my appearance, my performance, my relationships - I've fallen into the trap of putting so much stock into who I know, what others think of me, etc. that I've failed to think about who I want to be. Do I really want to get to the end of my life and have people remember me for my grades? for my skewed priorities of putting performance before people? There is no security when I place my identity in my performance. I've realized a huge part of my insecurity stems from the fear of screwing up beyond repair - and yet the Lord gently says to me, "Alex, you cannot screw this up. I have good plans for you- I will complete the good work I began in you. Let me take this, let it go." I have overestimated my potential to screw things up and my ability to control stuff and underestimated the Lord's ability and power to sovereignly hold me. It's called pride. And I will never rest securely until I realize that who I am is more important than what I do. I can "do" all day long, but my "doing" flows from my "being" and if my "being" is not an overflow of the Holy Spirit than my "doing" has no foundation or lasting impact.
2. I've been equipped to become the woman that I want to be because I have been given everything I need to live a Godly life. I am no longer a slave to sin but I am a slave to righteousness. I am a daughter of the King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Creator God. I am a partaker in the divine nature - I have a new nature. My identity is secure in the faithfulness of God - because He does not change and His word is truth.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
insecurity part 1
I grew up in a smallish town and went to an even smaller school. From as far back as I can remember, every year there was a girl in my class who made my school year a living hell. She came in different forms each year, but you can ask my mother - we spent countless hours full of tears and back rubs and prayer in my room each night. Girls fight dirty in the cruelest fashion.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I looked into my mom's face and I fought back tears this past weekend as she said, "I've really been praying about your self-esteem." She went on to speak a lot of encouragement over me - the kind I brush off because I don't know how to receive. Her honest confession has been running through my head ever since.
I drove home, listening to "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" courtesy of Pastor Steven Furtick. Tears began to surface as he told a story about his three year old son - his own flesh and blood - going through a period of hiding from him. He was suddenly embarrassed to be seen naked while his dad helped him get a bath. Pastor F's response was, "Boy, I made you. I saw your ultrasound! Stop hiding from me and get into the bath tub." I remembered my friend Mark telling us a story about his niece and dirty diapers, relating God to a good dad who picks us up, cleans us, and loves us. I started to wonder where this intense fear of rejection and abandonment comes from - where this fear of "messing up beyond repair" comes from - where this inability to see anything beautiful or worthwhile in myself comes from. I am beginning to see patterns.
I'm sensitive. so sensitive. I've lost track of how many times this week I've let another woman hurt me. I'm seeing bitterness pop up over wounds I thought had already been addressed, trying to eradicate lies with truth. Psalm 138 and 139 have been read multiple times this week - each time my eyes are moist over the beauty and the hope of the Gospel - Satan is silenced for a moment in the presence of Scripture.
God put me together from the inside out - I was not thrown together in a haphazard manner. Apart from Christ I was dead, having no good thing. In Christ I am a wonderful masterpiece. Before the foundations of the world were spoken into existence, God knit me together with purpose and intention. Dear soul, find security in Christ alone.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I looked into my mom's face and I fought back tears this past weekend as she said, "I've really been praying about your self-esteem." She went on to speak a lot of encouragement over me - the kind I brush off because I don't know how to receive. Her honest confession has been running through my head ever since.
I drove home, listening to "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" courtesy of Pastor Steven Furtick. Tears began to surface as he told a story about his three year old son - his own flesh and blood - going through a period of hiding from him. He was suddenly embarrassed to be seen naked while his dad helped him get a bath. Pastor F's response was, "Boy, I made you. I saw your ultrasound! Stop hiding from me and get into the bath tub." I remembered my friend Mark telling us a story about his niece and dirty diapers, relating God to a good dad who picks us up, cleans us, and loves us. I started to wonder where this intense fear of rejection and abandonment comes from - where this fear of "messing up beyond repair" comes from - where this inability to see anything beautiful or worthwhile in myself comes from. I am beginning to see patterns.
I'm sensitive. so sensitive. I've lost track of how many times this week I've let another woman hurt me. I'm seeing bitterness pop up over wounds I thought had already been addressed, trying to eradicate lies with truth. Psalm 138 and 139 have been read multiple times this week - each time my eyes are moist over the beauty and the hope of the Gospel - Satan is silenced for a moment in the presence of Scripture.
God put me together from the inside out - I was not thrown together in a haphazard manner. Apart from Christ I was dead, having no good thing. In Christ I am a wonderful masterpiece. Before the foundations of the world were spoken into existence, God knit me together with purpose and intention. Dear soul, find security in Christ alone.
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