Letters to Little

Call me crazy, but I started a journal to Little the night I found out we were pregnant. Below is this morning’s entry, just for kicks and giggles:

The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.- Proverbs 15:3 NKJV

For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret; intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

               

My precious Little –

Today you are 14 weeks and 5 days – they tell me you’re about the size of a lemon and 3 whole inches long! This week you were busy growing hair and building your vocal cords…if you are anything like me then you will have strong and loud ones J

Daddy is hanging out with Mr. Daniel and Moe-Puppy is outside chasing squirrels and sunbathing, so it’s just me and you on this quiet, sunny morning. I like sharing my mornings with you.

One thing Jesus has been reminding me of lately is the reality that He sees me. He sees you, too! This week was really busy and hard, and my feelings were very hurt at times. Plus, I was worried about you – because I know that when I’m stressed, you are living in a stressed-home, and I don’t want that! I want you to grow and thrive in a peaceful place. Though I would forget, God reminded me a few times that He saw us and all that we were going through, and that He is a safe place to come and rest.

This morning I was reminded in Proverbs that God sees everything – the good and the evil – which means He never takes His eyes off of us. That makes me feel safe because even when bad things happen, I can go to God and talk with Him about it, knowing He wasn’t absent from it. He can show me a different perspective. He can show me and teach me to see things and people the way that He sees them. He can show me His heart on the matter. So I am never alone – and I don’t have to feel alone. I can go to the Father and know that He not only sees me, but He watches over everything that concerns me because He loves me.

Not only does God see us, Little, but He sees the whole picture – the end from the beginning. So when I don’t understand or when I feel “lost in the sauce” I can choose to trust that God knows what He is doing. I can choose to trust that He is good, that He loves me, that He is faithful to work all things out for His glory and my good. The problem is making that choice, because sometimes it’s easier for me to trust my feelings. Feelings are fickle, Little – they don’t dictate what is true.

So while you’re cooking, I have to remind myself that God sees you. He is in control of your growth and development and over this pregnancy. No matter what, I can trust Him with you and with me. I have to remind myself that He sees me and your dad – He knows what we need and will help us be the parents that you need and deserve. He will help us shepherd you because you are His kid always before you are ours. While you’re cooking, Mommy is learning how to trust her Heavenly Father.

I also want you to know how intentional and purposed you are – from your body to your personality, gifts, and talents, to the days of your life – you have never gone unseen by the Lord. You’ve never been a surprise, never forgotten or unloved. You, my precious Little, are divinely purposed and intentionally created with wisdom, joy and love. Even though I can only see you through an occasional high-tech ultrasound, Jesus sees you always. He loves you so, so much. For all of your days, He will never fail to see you and to watch over all that concerns you. He is a safe place for you always.

You are so loved.

                      - Mom 

PS: You have your Mommy loving pickles, avocados, and Mexican food. You are also starting to poke out more and Moe-Puppy doesn’t know what to think! She’ll come nuzzle my belly when I sit on the floor to pet her – I think she likes you J

El Roi

I was blessed to have nearly two weeks off of work over the holiday season, even more blessed to spend that entire time with my husband, sweet puppy, and extended family over yummy food, fun games, slow mornings and more food. So when the time came for me to have to set my alarm last night to go back to work today, I wanted to cry a little. I love my job tremendously, but I was also loving Gilmore Girls marathons and 24/7 PJ parties (go on and judge).

I did not sleep well – my eyes sprung open at 1:30am and remained wide open until around 4pm…the reasons why have long escaped me. My two alarms both went off followed by a lovely snooze button, and in the stillness of the morning I was struck with such a sweet, sweet reminder:

El Roi.

The God who sees me (Genesis 16:13). The God who saw Hagar and allowed Himself to be seen by her in the midst of her affliction, desperation, and hurt is the same God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me. This is the God who has rescued me. This is the God who is the author of the Gospel – the author of my story – and He sees me.

This awareness that God does see all of me would normally freak me out and make me feel naked, vulnerable and exposed – waiting for “the other shoe to drop” or the disappointment to come. Normally my anxiety would be heightened and I would want to leave the conversation, the room, the country. Interestingly enough one of the possible meanings for Hagar’s name is “flight.” Sound familiar? Only this morning, I didn’t feel the urge to flee or leave this place of being and feeling seen.

I was filled with peace – not because I had undergone any affliction or felt like I was in a place of desperation – though if you had seen my hair and experienced my morning breath you may have thought otherwise. I was filled with peace that comes from being seen without being unsafely exposed. I didn’t feel like God was seeing me with critical eyes, but with the eyes of a perfect Father watching His daughter wake up.

The reality is that sometimes God does put His finger on some areas of my life that aren’t healthy or honoring to him – areas that feel raw, that I hate having exposed. He never barges in, nor is He rough – but when invited, He definitely addresses those areas of infection like any good physician would. Even in those times, He is the God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me because He loves me.

This morning was one of those sweet wake-up calls from the Father – “Good morning, daughter. I know it is Monday and you’re tired, but I see you. I know you want endless vacation and one more day to sleep in, but I see you. I am a safe place for you, you don’t have to pretend or ‘fake it until you make it’ today because I see you right where you are and I am more than enough for you today. I made today, it belongs to Me and I want to walk through it with you.”

Maybe you feel a bit like Hagar – running desperately and full of pain into a desert place – or maybe you’re just feeling worn out from periodic insomnia like me - Wherever you are at the start of this New Year, know that God is the God who sees you and delights in being seen by you. He longs to walk with you through the desert, the pain, the Mondays just as much as He longs to walk with you through the joy. You are seen. May that be an invitation to take rest, to take heart, and to see Him more fully in return.

all our love,

a + "little"

Job: Lessons in Suffering and Comforting

Ray needed a man weekend, full of backpacking through the woods, body odor, “bacon jerky” (yes, that exists), and no estrogen. So while he was off trekking through the woods, I bought a bottle of my favorite wine, slept in until noon, and have yet to get out of my pajamas (don’t judge me).  This introvert needed a quiet, solitary place for a bit.

((In truth, the man weekend ended pretty abruptly due to weather and the hubs came back home this afternoon, promptly showered (thank you Jesus) and has fallen asleep, TV remote in hand, “watching” a college football game. ))

With slow mornings normally come solid quiet times and a completely finished cup of coffee. Somehow the coffee always gets poured but never consumed in the morning. I’ve been hanging out in Job and Luke lately, but mostly Job. I’ve read the story before and heard it multiple times, but I feel like God is blowing my mind this time around. Here’s why:

1.       Job is the best defense against the Prosperity Gospel I’ve ever encountered.

2.       God was not the source of Job’s suffering, but He did allow it for the sake of His glory. He did not do this maliciously but confidently – He knew Job’s heart and character. He bragged about his kid Job.

3.       God was ok with Job bringing his grief and complaint before Him. Job did this without ever blaming God.

4.       Job’s friends sucked at comforting because they spoke in their own wisdom. They stood in the way of God using them to comfort Job and became a source of grief for their friend.

5.       Job’s hope in the Lord never wavered because he trusted God’s character even when he didn’t have all the answers.

Why the Prosperity Gospel is No Gospel:

                 

The Bible clearly states that Job was a righteous and blameless man.  Just look at the way God viewed Job and spoke so highly of him (Job 1:8). Job was highly favored and esteemed, and he was loaded.  When Satan attacks Job’s character and taunts God’s glory, God gives Satan power over all that Job has except his person (1:9-12). When Job refuses to curse the Lord, God gives Satan power over Job’s person but not his life (2:6). God did not author Job’s suffering but He did permit it for the sake of His Glory and limit it in His sovereignty. ((I don’t believe God ever willed sin or suffering, but I do believe He wills freedom in relationships. Freedom in relationship only comes through choice, and in Genesis 3 man chose something other than God*. The natural consequence of that choice ushered in sin and opened the window for suffering.)) Job’s response to Satan’s attack was to fall down in worship and acknowledge God’s sovereign right to give and take away (1:20-21). In all of this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong (1:22; 2:10). Job never lost sight of the holiness of God in the midst of his suffering.

 At its core, the prosperity gospel says:  Doing good things/obedience brings physical wealth, comfort, health and prosperity. The logical converse of the prosperity gospel would then be: poverty, sickness and suffering must point to sin or disobedience.  This is what Job’s friends believed. They could not wrap their minds around a righteous person suffering. They could not wrap their minds around having a spiritual enemy.  So they blamed Job for his suffering – they assaulted his character, pleaded with him to repent of sin he never committed and shared all of their wisdom with Job uninvited. They became a source of grief for Job rather than a source of comfort. How often have we, as believers who make up the Church, responded in kind to those in the midst of great suffering?

How we respond to those who are suffering greatly reveals what we believe about God’s character and what we believe about the Gospel.  If we believe God’s favor towards us depends on our actions, if we believe in the Prosperity Gospel, those who are in the midst of suffering will find us a source of grief instead of a source of comfort. They will find in us nothing but criticism, confusion and hurt. If we believe that God’s favor towards us has been forever won on the cross of Christ, that He is constantly sovereign and loving, and that we live within the context of spiritual warfare then those who are in the midst of suffering will find in us a source of comfort, peace and strength.  

Vessels of Comfort

In order for others to find in us a source of comfort, we have to get out of the way and learn what it is to be a vessel of God’s presence and voice. I’m sure Job’s friends had the best intentions – they really wanted to “fix” Job’s suffering and argue him into repentance they thought would help – but they spoke from their own sources of wisdom, knowledge and experience.  Not once did they intercede on Job’s behalf before the Lord. Not once did they invite God to speak to Job through them.  They tried to be their own source of comfort.  Job’s response?  I also could speak as you do, if your soul were in my soul’s place. I could heap up words against you, and shake my head at you; BUT I would strengthen you with my mouth, and the comfort of my lips would relieve your grief. – Job 16:4-5 NKJV

I’m not going to lie; I think I’m a terrible comforter. I remember going over to a friend’s house in college. Her boyfriend had left for the summer and she was in tears – I mean, weeping because she missed him, long distance was difficult, etc. I felt like a deer in headlights… I didn’t have a boyfriend and I’m not a huge crier. He’s just gone for the summer, it’s not like he’s dead my bewildered brain thought, but you can’t say that to your sobbing friend. In fact, if someone ever said that to me I’d probably cry worse than she was. She leaned in for a hug; I’m not a hugger either. Hug her back, Alex! My brain cued my arms to wrap around her in an awkward hug. We probably spent the rest of the day watching chick flicks and binging on brownies… the cure to all girl problems, right?

Even though that’s a funny example, the truth is that I really don’t know what to do when someone is grieving or suffering. I don’t know what to say or how to act in a way that will ease their pain and not add to it. It’s easier to try to “fix it” with my own wisdom than it is to put my soul in their soul’s place and invite the Lord into that place with us. To sit quietly with them, standing in the gap for them, interceding on their behalf with the Father, and inviting Him to speak to them through me. To listen to them pour out their grief and complaints, knowing that God’s okay with them bringing that before Him, knowing that God is present and good even when everything around me screams lies that He’s absent and malicious or unfaithful. To commit to speak only what the Lord impresses on my heart to speak, and to shut up all that is not of Him because His words bring life, strength, peace and comfort in a way that mine never will or could. To usher peace into the situation, not through understanding the “why” but through inviting the presence of Holy God to dwell among us. After all, genuine peace is not found in knowledge but in the presence of Christ.

How differently would the situation with my friend have looked like if I had placed my soul in her soul’s place and invited God to speak through me? How different would my response have been if it had not been me speaking but Christ in me? Not me hugging but Christ in me embracing my dear friend? How much comfort could I have brought to the situation if I had asked the simple question, “Lord, is there anything you would like to say to her in this moment?” before I opened my big mouth?

At some point in our lives we have all experienced some form of grief or suffering, whether it was a consequence of a poor decision we made, abuse from someone else’s sinful choice, or something similar to Job’s story. Chances are we’ve probably encountered people like Job’s friends. I know I have, and I’ve honestly wanted to punch them in the face. Chances are we’ve also been like Job’s friends to someone else (ouch), I know I have unintentionally – saying those cliché things you think sound okay because you’re really at a loss for words. It’s okay to be at a loss for words… it’s actually a great opportunity to invite God to share His word through you.

Father,

Thank You for being the Author of Job’s story. Thank you for your sovereignty and faithfulness even in the midst of suffering and grief. Thank you for the hope that we have in the Gospel – the reality that You have indeed rescued us by Jesus’ death and resurrection into eternal life, relationship, with You. We confess our great need for You and invite you to fill us anew with Your Spirit, that we might be vessels of comfort for those who greatly need Your comfort. Fill us with wisdom that is from You, that is peaceable, gentle, and life-giving. Tune our hearts to the sound of Your voice, that we may be quick to listen, quick to invite You into our conversations, and slow to speak apart from Your leading. You are our Peace, and we are so grateful for Your love.

All of my love,

                -a

* Notes taken while listening to Bob Hamp and Alan Smith. Highly recommend checking out Foundations of Freedom at http://bobhamp.com/foundations-of-freedom/

Spiritual Physics

I find myself reading about Newton’s laws of motion this morning. Yes, I’m on Wikipedia. Yes, my head is swimming with equations I don’t understand. Yes, I’m thankful I got to skip physics class – if this is physics? I’m honestly not sure if it’s English yet…

From Wikipedia, the source of all tested and approved knowledge, Newton came up with three laws of motion. The literal English translation of the laws is as follows:

Law I: Every body persists in its state of being at rest or of moving uniformly straight forward, except insofar as it is compelled to change its state by force impressed.

Law II: The alteration of motion is ever proportional to the motive force impressed; and is made in the direction of the right line in which that force is impressed.

                English please?

Law II: The change of momentum of a body is proportional to the impulse impressed on the body, and happens along the straight line on which that impulse is impressed.

                Thanks?

Law III: To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction: or the mutual actions of two bodies upon each other are always equal, and directed to contrary parts.

All of these laws in their simplest form take place in an inertial frame of reference – “a frame of reference that describes time and space homogeneously, isotropically and in a time-independent manner.”  Thanks for keeping that simple, Wikipedia? Apparently there are many types of frames of reference, and those types can be interrelated, and praise Jesus I’m not a physicist!

Why am I talking about physics on this rainy Tuesday instead of being curled up in my favorite Clemson hoodie with a cup of tea watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix? Because I found myself ending my Monday in my lifecoach’s office and this “object persisting in a state of forward motion” met a compelling force in that black leather chair. The force of all that I was carrying, all that I was afraid to put words to, all that I was hesitant to acknowledge broke the emotional dam in my soul and flooded into the room, into the light. I was stunned by the weight of it – my chest felt heavy, my lungs burned as I inhaled, suddenly aware that I had been running and functioning, moving in one constant forward motion with a tremendous burden I was too afraid to release.

                The truth is, as little as I understand about physics, I know that we do not live in an inertial frame of reference. I know that time and space are never perfectly balanced and that humanity dwells in a time-dependent manner. I know that the force compelling me to keep moving forward is also the force that compels me to go backwards at times. I know that force is fear.  Perfectionism, the driving forward force, is the fruit of fear of man, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of mediocrity, fear of judgment, fear of indifference, fear of insufficient grace. 

                According to Newton, when the force that compels me in one direction meets another force, there is always an equal and opposite reaction.  Wikipedia gives the great example of walking – when I push against the floor, the floor also pushes against my foot in an equal way, allowing me to be able to walk and not fall through the floor. Again, this is within that perfect inertial frame of reference – Newton wasn’t thinking about you walking through a creaky old attic and falling through the floor boards. When it comes to interacting with people, I can see this law at play. We tend to go through life, each compelled by a forward force, but we bump up against one another don’t we? We interact and react with one another, and outside of that inertial frame of reference, that perfectly simple world, we become reactionary. Your force of anger might meet my force of fear and I react by fleeing, fighting, bottling up a burden and continuing in whatever direction you just pushed me. Your force of need just met my force of fear and I react by giving you all I can because I’m too afraid to disappoint, so I bottle up that burden and continue in whatever direction you just pushed me. Your force of fear just met my source of fear, and we’re both too afraid to call it like we see it so we continue in whatever direction the other pushed us in.

                But what happens when the force that compels us, that impresses the direction of our lives changes to something constant despite the ever changing frames of reference we find ourselves in? What happens in the law of motion when the force that compels me is not a natural force – when the force is perfectly balanced and independent of time? What happens when Jesus becomes the compelling, forward moving force in my life – when he intersects and changes the direction of my thinking, of my life, in a black leather chair and says “Walk forward this way. Let the reality of who I am, of the Gospel, be the force that compels the motion in your life.”? What happens when other people’s forces of need, fear, anger, dependence all bump against my life – when I can choose to react to their action or to continue to be compelled forward in the grace of the Gospel?

                Because maybe the Gospel is really described in Newton’s second law – I was going about my way, in a forward motion compelled by the force of fear (a slave to the force of sin) until the force of grace, of life, of freedom all found in the cross of Christ intersected my life and entirely changed its trajectory.  While the breadth and depth of the Gospel cannot be contained in a physics lesson, or in laws of motion, it can be evidenced. It can be seen. The Gospel was written by a Holy God who receives the most glory when His people find their satisfaction in a personal relationship with Him – and in His presence there is complete freedom. Complete freedom means that I don’t have to continue being compelled and impressed by natural forces – by slavery to fear or anger or codependence, by my circumstances or by yours – it means that I don’t have to be the source that fuels the force of my life. It means that Jesus has forever changed the course of my life, and with him as the compelling force I don’t have to live reactionary. It also means that when our lives intersect, the impression of Christ meets you – the Gospel intersects your life and impacts the direction of your motion in the life-giving way that my fear never could.

Father be the force that compels the motion in our lives. That we might not move forward bottling up burdens that were never meant for us to carry alone but to surrender to You. Jesus be the impressed force that sends us out into freedom, that when we intersect the lives of others we do so marked with Your compassion, grace, and wisdom. Overflow in us that we might overflow into others the life and freedom of the Gospel. 

all of my love, 

a

Understanding Grace: Story

There are some days when I really miss my O’ma – when grief hits me like a wave out of nowhere, knocking wind out of my lungs for a few moments before my brain tells them to inhale again. The girls crocheting in the hallway at work, sometimes showing me their crooked borders, remind me of lessons in her living room and my own crooked handiwork. I still can’t knit or crochet with straight lines…but we can’t be good at everything.

I remember her reading to me when I was younger, my head nestled in her lap – Little Women still looks like a huge book. So many of her books line the shelves in our home now, I couldn’t throw them away if I tried. I can still spend hours lost in stories, slightly grieving the end of them at times. O’ma fostered a love of story within me, maybe without even realizing it.

To be completely honest, I was angry at God when I watched cancer consume O’ma’s physical body. Angry to see my feisty grandmother losing such a fight in that stale hospital room, angry to see a Jesus who constantly heals the sick in Scripture not miraculously rid her body of every distorted cell. But I know now what I didn’t know then, I understand now what I didn’t understand then: cancer wasn’t the period that ended O’ma’s story.

The thing about story is that the characters don’t know the end from the beginning like the author does. They can’t always see the peak from their valley or the point in their suffering, but somehow in the end they are not the same. I know now that it is an honor to be invited in to the beauty and agony of someone’s story.

There is tremendous hope knowing that Jesus is “the Author and Perfecter of my faith” – that in the darkest, loneliest chapters my story is not finished. Sometimes, especially in valley seasons such as this one, holding onto hope feels more like I’m white knuckling it with sweaty palms. Sometimes I forget that the grace of God is the life within my story, that He bore my curse and earned my blessing, that nothing is wasted, nothing is outside of His redemption. I know now, more than I did before and less than I will in the future, that moments of deep rejection, overwhelming grief, and paralyzing fear are all eclipsed by the grace I’ve found in Christ’s exclamation “It is finished.” 

It is finished - a glorious invitation to release the burden of trying to write our own stories and dwell in grace.
-a 

Two Cents on Women and the Biggest Loser

Can I just be honest and step on my little soapbox for a moment?

The Biggest Loser.

Now, I’ll be honest, I didn’t watch much of this season, but I do like keeping up with who wins. The Biggest Loser was a TV show we watched at home, ironically I watched most of the episodes over bowls of popcorn and ice cream with my mom. Is the show a bit extreme? Yes. But I don’t believe it’s ever been unhealthy. The contestants are clearly followed by a medical team throughout the show, which is more than most people who try to lose weight. They’re surrounded by knowledgeable professionals whose goal is to teach and equip them to maintain a balanced lifestyle at home. They aren’t responsible for the individual’s results – no one can make you lose weight, and losing weight isn’t as much the goal as becoming a healthier, whole person. As a Christian, I don’t believe this is possible apart from the love of Jesus – true transformation doesn’t happen apart from Him. But on the whole, I am a fan of the show. Provide people an incentive, an opportunity, an education, a support system and a community – meet them where they are and encourage them from there – and watch them grow.

I’ve been really taken aback by the backlash from the latest winner, Rachel.  I’ll admit, she lost a bunch of weight and she did look thin on the finale – but I didn’t expect her to immediately be attacked and shamed for her weight loss. Suddenly, she has been accused of “going too far,” “having an eating disorder,” and “being a disappointing example for teen girls.” Seriously, ladies???

You want to know what’s disappointing. That thousands of women immediately assume someone with a low BMI has an eating disorder and unhealthy lifestyle. Equally disappointing is that these same women shame themselves and others for being too fat. You’re either too fat or too thin, but never okay, never healthy, never just beautiful.  I spent most of my life weighing less than 100 pounds, but I’ve never had an eating disorder. In nursing school I jumped up in weight and my BMI went from low to overweight, even though I was working out. Now, I’m back to a normal BMI but my heart and mindset is still relatively the same. The truth is, I felt insecure at every weight – because the weight was never the issue. The issue is where my heart is – where my worth lies. I struggle to accept the body God has given me, with its short, curvy stature as beautiful and healthy every time bikini season rolls around, every time I step on the scale, every time I slip into the shower or look in the mirror.  You know what doesn’t help? How we are so quick to judge one another and criticize one another. 

I felt fat on my wedding day. I had two oral surgeries during our engagement and I dropped down to my high school weight. I was frail, weak and sick from narcotics. It was not pretty; it was not something I recommend. By the time our wedding rolled around, I was back to my normal weight which felt “fat”. But I was back to my healthy self.  Why is it that we’re so quick to criticize a woman who wins a weight loss competition but we praise the thousands of starving brides as a society? Why is it that we can’t encourage each other to be healthy? To believe and receive the truth of God’s word towards us as His daughters – that we are beautiful, that we are loved, that we are accepted and brilliantly crafted with purpose? Why do we have to be so harsh towards each other?  Perpetuating the lie that “if you’re fat, you must be lazy and unhealthy; if you’re thin then you must struggle with an eating disorder and be unhealthy.”

You want to know what a disappointing example for young girls looks like – it looks like a bunch of grown women beating each other up with comparisons and shallow judgments.  The newest Biggest Loser may have gone too far, she may struggle with self-worth and perfectionism just like I do – but I don’t know that. For all I know, she’s healthy and balanced and at peace with her body.  So I choose to be happy for her, to celebrate her pursuit of a healthy and balanced lifestyle, and to encourage her to continue to believe that her self-worth is much greater than the number on the scale. Because I need to preach the truth of God’s word to myself every time I see a bikini and a brownie, every time I step on the scale, get in the shower, try on new clothes, order a hamburger, order a salad, go to the gym, or hear my husband tell me that I’m beautiful.  

The reality is, it’s a struggle every day to choose where I place my value and self-worth.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the only woman who struggles, so can we just stop with the criticism and start to encourage one another in truth and love? I mean really, can we leave the “Mean Girls” behavior back in middle school and high school and encourage our daughters to be healthy, confident, and secure in who God says they are?

Stepping off the soap box now.

-a

An Altar

For my sixteenth birthday, Dad wanted to take me on a trip with him, just the two of us. He asked me where I wanted to go - no restrictions (until I said Australia, and then he reigned me in a bit). New York, I told him. So one night after dinner, a dinner in which I had strawberry ice cream for dessert, Dad surprised me with tickets to New York. 

I panicked. 

Not lying, I turned pale, I threw up my dinner (you never forget throwing up strawberry ice cream), and had a full on, week long, panic attack. I couldn't eat, I lost 10 pounds, I could barely get off the couch. I thought we were going to die in a plane crash or something, I'm not sure why - but so many irrational thoughts overloaded my brain and I stopped functioning. We ended up in New York - I was curled on the bed in the fetal position missing my mom and crying - Dad was wide eyed and at a loss for what to do. I lived off of bagels that first day - it was the only thing I could eat - orange juice and a plain, very crusty bagel from Starbucks.  Then Dad introduced me to China town..... 

We spent the rest of our time going to Broadway shows (poor Dad trying to shield my 16 year old eyes and ears for half of them), haggling for lower prices in China town (of which I quickly turned professional), and experiencing Time Square (the thought of that many people is enough to make me anxious even now). It was a great trip, but it was not a great start. And so sums up my reaction to any change or major life event following. 

Graduating high school. Starting nursing school. Senior year of nursing school. Graduating college. Moving to Nashville. Getting married. I may not have been debilitated on the couch the day I moved to Nashville or got married, but I was still filled with intense anxiety. 

Nearly ten years ago, I couldn't handle change or the thought of change. Today has afforded me a rare moment to look back and see the transformation of that 15-16 year old girl. I still struggle with anxiety, I don't think that tendency will every change or go away - BUT, I find myself more comfortable with the changes life brings. Marriage, buying a house, Ray going back to school, our careers and jobs and dreams all in seemingly uncertain places has provided a steady stream of worries in my daily life... but I am able to get off the couch. By God's grace, He has brought me into a place of great uncertainty with the peace of Christ. Today I am tempted to be anxious, to fear and to be dismayed. That will never go away - I know that - but I don't have to choose to be enslaved to that temptation. Today, I am thankful for God's faithfulness and for his constant and complete provision for my family. I am thankful for His inexhaustible grace and persistent patience. Today, I am choosing to trust Him, to practice resting in His love and sovereignty. 

Israel always made altars in the desert to remember God's provision for them. This is a virtual altar for me today. I encourage you to build an altar today - whatever that looks like for you - to be reminded of God's faithful presence in your life. 

Stay warm! 

-a