cycles and shadows

so it's been quite a while i suppose. which is sad, i feel like the Lord's taught/revealed a lot that i never wrote down and most likely, like a little Israel, i've already developed a tendency to forget.

tonight i find myself frustrated. the fact that i'm insecure in who i am, what i look like, and about so many other things is completely evident in how i view (criticize) myself, others, and the way that i think (and the way that i think other people think). it's retarded. and it's frustrating.

insecurities aside, i'm still frustrated. how crappy am i at trusting the Lord? i rather suck at it. there are moments, days, weeks, seasons when I think the Lord is teaching and challenging me, and then immediately moments, days, weeks, seasons of apathy, distrust, frustration, and dryness. Why? he doesn't change or alter - it's me. why the crappy attitude towards the living God???

cycles. cycles of relationships and confidence - mountains of the seemingly immovable and impossible followed by beautiful and blissful moments of feeling the breeze and noticing the view as you descend, then apathy on flat ground followed by overwhelming exhaustion and laziness at the sight of the next mountain.

i was walking to campus the other day and i noticed my shadow in front of me. it was thinner than i am, with smooth, sharp outlines separating it from the concrete sidewalk. it moved with confidence and was a bit taller than i am. The curves of the shadow were distinct, even in the way my hair moved with the wind. i envied my shadow for a moment on the walk home - it appeared way more put together than i am, and by the general standards of the world i'm pretty sure my shadow would be accepted. In all reality, I was not as confident, as thin or flat, as distinct or as together as my stupid shadow. What's more - my shadow was just the sun's light being met with a solid object (me), forming a temporary image. It couldn't move or breathe, it didn't have thoughts, feelings, or the ability to speak. It could not touch or empathize. It could not love. It had no detail, nothing was unique about it, it was just a dark form on concrete. It never experienced light. but I get to move and breathe and think and speak and touch and minister and love. I am unique, whatever that looks like, I am the only one who reflects a part of the image of God in the way that I do. I get to have detail - maybe they're remarkable and maybe they're annoying little things like zits. I get to experience and walk in light. I get to live in this organic and dynamic body, knit together by the King of the Universe, and I get to learn how to walk with Him, to learn and know His heart. The moments I forget that the mountains are possible to climb, that the cycles are times of growth and sanctification, and that I am loved completely and perfectly as I am in the present, not compared to anything or anyone else - those are the moments I take my eyes off my Maker and begin to envy my stupid shadow.

cycles and shadows.

Faith Statements - Courtesy of Holly Furtick

I like listening to podcasts when i have long rides in the car. I also like reading blogs of pastor's and their wives (if they have them and I have time) - I might be dorky but I learn a lot.





I love listening to Steven Furtick from Elevation Church in Charlotte - He speaks the word and so does his wife Holly. I found these encouraging on her blog:

because the picture is so readable - i'll copy them:

I am fully forgiven and free from all shame and condemnation

I act in audacious faith to change the world in my generation

I have no fear or anxiety, I trust in the Lord with all my heart

I am able to fulfll the calling God has placed on my life

I am fully funded to do everything God has called me to do

I have no insecurity because I see myself the way God sees me

I am a faithful spouse and a Godly parent; our family is blessed.

I am completely whole physically, mentally and emotionally

I am increasing in influence and favor for the kingdom of God

I am enabled to walk in the sacrificial love of Christ

I have the wisdom of the Lord concerning every decision I make

I am protected from all harm and evil in Jesus' name.

encouraging.

welcome back

so i have been slack. the rest of costa will come eventually. for now i'm back at school, overwhelmed, a bit stressed, and a mixture of a whole lot of emotions. i feel as though i've been on the brink of tears for the past 48 hours - happy, sad, whatever. blah.

pray:

for everything to fall into place with apartments, rent, etc. our landlady is so "nice" and easy to deal with. yay. pray for love from me to her.

for peace.
for joy.

for eyes and ears to see what jesus sees, to hear what he hears and says.


lots of love.

CR Journal - Wednesday

Continuing on with Wednesday's journal - remember I recorded them all on Wednesday, but I figured I'd break it up for you. It's probably not much help since they're all long!

July 8th, 2009

Now we're caught up to today. Wednesday. The weather was rainy in Bijagua so painting was off and evangelism on. Today was soo encouraging. 4 out of the 6 houses we went to were believers. One was a housekeeper, the second was an elderly couple who had a crazy amount of kids. Hugo and Greta (iffy on the spelling) were strong believers along with Greta's mom Ramona. Ramona is blind and today was her 90th birthday. Touch is powerful. We sat holding hands and she stroked my arm as Russ prayed for the family. Hugo pastored a church for about 10 years or more before having to retire. He prayed over us and it was so amazing!

Earlier in the day, Russ had shared with the group about his quiet time in Ezekiel 3:26-27 that morning. The man prayed that God would open our mouths and place in us the words of Jesus. Basically, the man prayed the same words Russ had read to us that morning from the Word. We left after singing "Happy Birthday" to Ramona, and Russ cried talking about how cool it was. I will say, this was one of the coolest experiences I've ever had visiting someone's home. I can still feel the touch of Ramona's hand and feel the encouragement.

The next house was a widow and her three sons. We met Virginia's youngest son Carlos, who I think was 8. Her husband died while she was pregnant with Carlos. She was a believer who attended the same church in Bijagua that we did Sunday. I got to pray over her and her family. We hugged goodbye and Andres, our translator, team member and brother, hugged her. He began to weep as they embraced. He spoke through tears into her ear in Spanish. It was so powerful and moving to see him speak from the Lord without reservation. He embraced Carlos too and spoke to him. I'm so thankful Andres can communicate in ways that we can't and that he's obedient to do so. On Tuesday he shared his testimony with us and I've enjoyed getting to know him. Later that night, we prayed over the translators and they each introduced themselves. I had shared with the group about our experience in this home and how we saw the Lord in that moment. Andres also shared, telling us that words just came to him and he had no idea that he would respond like that when he hugged her. Andres was awesome - I miss him so much already - He wasn't just our translator but He's a fellow member of the Body of Christ and it was sooo sweet to get to hang out with him and share the Gospel with him.

Russ, Andres and I. Of course, this picture isn't complete with Zach! He rounds out Team 5.

The fourth house was also a family of believers. Rosaria attends the local church and had invited all of the kids in her neighborhood to the VBSs. It was so encouraging to see the fruit of Pastor E's constant urging of the church to move into their community and to partner with us. Finally someone in the church was reaching their neighbors and participating with us! It was beautiful. Her friends Patricia and Eduardo were there and her son Malvin. They remembered Chandler from our last visit and asked about him. So cool. We saw them at the VBS with their neighbors that afternoon. Ahh... refreshing. They played with the kids too! No lie - these were the coolest women. They came both Wednesday and Friday to hang out with us and brought the kids both times. They learned 4-square, played frisbee, etc. and it was awesome. Malvin got the hang of 4 square quickly too! and Juan, one of the kids they brought, was awesome.

Rosaria trying to get one of the little boys excited about games. She was awesome.

The 5th house was our first house we shared the Gospel in. It was a couple whose sister, a believer, came up and encouraged them while we were sharing. They admitted that they'd been wanting something different in their lives. It was pretty sweet. The woman reminded me of Haley.

The last house was a house of believers. Zach shared his testimony and we prayed over them. I was so proud of Zach - he was honest and fluid in his speech and it was powerful to see God at work. We left for lunch and did VBS at the church in Bijagua in the afternoon.

We did sports at VBS - which was hysterical at times. Dodgeball turned into throwing the ball right back at Russ. The older kids had fun though. One little girl, I think her name was Sally (To be honest, they kept repeating her name and each time I had no idea what they were saying), was a stinker - but a precious one. I held her and we played games together. She and her older brother Juan and older sister came with Rosaria. They were precious and Juan and I perfected high-5's.

Juan scoping out the games. Sally (so we'll call her) and I spinning around!

Ashley shared her testimony and the Gospel and some kids received Christ, it was awesome.

Tonight we got to talk about our highlights and worship. Caroline and I got to do our bible studies. The translators got into a circle and introduced themselves and we got to pray over them. It's amazing how you grow to love people so quickly. Charlie is going on full time with Open Eye in Nicaragua in December. They'll be working in a large, poor area. It's awesome and special to see Charlie - post gangster, tattoos - talking about how he loves us and we're his family - how he prays for us and gets anxious to see us. I love him - even his constructive criticism and tutoring me on how to cut Lauren's hair.

Circling around the translators and Kasey - Open Eyes' awesome intern. And Charlie - in his defense, he was talking to someone and completely unaware of this picture.

In my quiet times I've read a bit in Romans, all of 1, 2, and 3 John and then my Psalm (32), and it's just cool to read about God's love and forgiveness. I hope He's kneading it into my heart and that He keeps turning me into the likeness of His Son. I need him and I'm realizing how frequently I try to trust in other things. It's frustrating but I guess I'm learning the personal relationship of the heart and not just the head. I'm relearning the simple maybe? But I'm still so far from having it all together and getting it all - which won't happen till I meet the Lord.

Today we found out an 8th grade girl was raped and murdered in Bijagua. For those unfamiliar with the area - it's like a tight-knit community about 2 miles from our camp in Rio Naranjo. My safety bubble burst and I felt sick to my stomach. The man, who they think is a member of the community, hasn't been caught and my faith was seemingly absent in the midst of anxiety. BUT this is truth - I believe, forgive my unbelief:

1) God is sovereign

2) He is Love

3) He has a plan for me, for our team, for everyone

4) He will uphold me in any circumstance

5) I am secure in Christ alone

6) This is not my home.

It's amazing - as I look back over my journal entry and the prayer that followed that list - how good Satan is at his job - I mean, he knows right where to hit me the hardest with the easiest of blows. I need the Lord... much more than I feel at times.

CR Journal - Tuesday

Tuesday was going to be spent painting, but instead we went door-to-door because of the rain. I was in a selfish funk and more preoccuppied about not having water. I missed out, BUT all 3 houses accepted the Lord - including Sarah, a cook from my previous trip. We headed back to camp for lunch and Tyler and Frank were talking about how much they loved and cared for those they spoke with. I knew I was more concerned with myself - the Gospel became mechanical - BLAH. That afternoon we went out again - on a street I had been down before. We got to share and pray with a family and we also got to talk with a believer. We prayed over his wife, Rosa, who's been in the hospital. He told us to stop by next time for coffee.

Half of the family that came to know the Lord - they came to VBS in Rio Naranjo! Continue to pray for them. He was diagnosed with stomach cancer and had surgery. While he's in remission, he's had to work odd jobs because of the surgery. Missing in the picture are his beautiful wife and older son.

This is the man who invited us for coffee!

In the next house I was able to share with a grandmother and Russ with her two granddaughters. One, Natalia, was a couple days away from having her own baby. All three prayed to receive Christ. In the afternoon, we played more soccer. Dayel, Melissa, Alyssa, and Freschia (iffy about the spelling) all came! We played soccer and painted nails. It was so gool to get to see the girls again, and I'll get to see them tomorrow, hopefully at the VBS. After playing we headed back. At group session Mark asked us what was most frustrating about our day. For my shallow self it was not having water, but almost all of the students said those who were so close to accepting Jesus but not - or they were upset because they were too shy, etc. I was upset because of my indifference, my pure funk and selfishness. He also asked us how we saw the Lord that day and the responses were so cool. Then he followed up his questions from the previous night - "What does God want to speak into your life?" and "What do you need to leave behind to follow Jesus?" I'm not sure, but I've been learning a lot about how little I like being exposed in the light. God is light. He is also love. His light fully exposes my sinful condition and my worthlessness, but it also reveals the immensity of His love and grace towards me. His light reveals my helplessness and yet He accepts me based on Christ's righteousness. I reason from myself to Him, trying to earn His acceptance. When I mess up, I feel like He's changed or distanced Himself but really I've altered and I've gone astray. His love for me doesn't change. So even though I hate it and struggle to receive it, I know that He's true and right. I have a feeling I need to leave myself behind and receive light and grace. [While I was watching and listening to the students share during session, the Lord grabbed my heart and opened my eyes up more to what He's been (still) teaching me. My shallow and selfish attitude was evident to me, and it wasn't okay or acceptable, but the Lord used it to break me of a little self-righteousness.]Maybe God's heart is simple - more so than I'd like to think. Maybe His heart is for the simple things and breaks over the complicated. Maybe it's about love, light, forgiveness, grace, mercy, hope - the one-word things instead of the complicated reasoning that's routed in pride and excuses for me. Maybe. [Note - I didn't say easy, I just said simple. Like child-like.]

Mark asking us questions during Tuesday night's session.

Costa Rica Journal 1

this was the easiest way that i could think of to tell everyone who supported me and prayed over me about my trip to Costa. Instead of writing a novel of a thank-you letter to everyone, I decided to copy parts of my journal here. I just enclosed the link to my blog so they could read it if they wanted. i'll warn you - God did a lot and I learned a lot - so these might get lengthy. you've been warned.

pictures are up on facebook and links have been posted below, but i might throw some up here for fun.

here we go - part one.

July 8th, 2009

Today is Wednesday, our 4th day in country and my first time writing. I know I'll forget a lot, but that's life.

Saturday was a long day of traveling. It was fun getting to know members of the team better. Charlie is the only translator I know from 2 years ago, I miss the old ones but the new guys are fun.

Hanging out in the Atlanta airport waiting to go to Liberia.

Sunday we went to churches after sleeping in the church in Rio Naranjo. We were suprised to have mattresses covered in sheets left from previous trips. My group (Russ, Zach and I) went to the church in Bijagua, where Russ spoke about being preoccupied. It was convicting. We also got to take communion - it was such a sweet glimpse of heaven. After church we moved into camp and got settled. We also went to the Assembly of God church that afternoon at 4pm. Lexi and Tyler shared their testimonies. I thought it was so cool that me and Lexi had talked about our stories - how God's given us our stories for a reason. She was worried on the plane that she may have to share her testimony, but she did great! We danced and sang with the kids after Mark spoke. We were all exhausted. They opened with 1 1/2 hours of music!! [I have a video of a young girl dancing in worship - such a beautiful sight. Sadly, the video is sideways (I always forget to hold my camera the right way!) and I can't upload it yet. ]

Maquala and Matt in front of the Assembly of God in Rio Naranjo

Monday we got to paint the local elementary school, like we did last time I was here. After painting and getting sunburnt, we hung out in the church and played soccer in Rio Naranjo. I met 4 awesome girls while painting - me and Dayel exchanged gifts (a hairtie for a paper picture of PoohBear). Our soccer team did well too. Luis, Andreas, and Carlos were amazing kids. I was exhausted - Lauren and I had run in the morning and played soccer all day.

Above: Dayel, Melissa and I.
Side: Alyssa.

...

i dont feel like i have much to say tonight. i mean, i think that i could but i just don't feel it.

here's a slideshow of just a few costa rica pictures from our trip - courtesy of my new friend eric george.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwkO3t6yN38

or for pictures on facebook (if you have time to go through 8 albums)
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/album.php?id=1257432710&aid=29882

i'll post more on the trip later i'm sure. for now, here are some ways you could be praying for me, if you'd like to ;)

- that my body would heal from whatever little bug i had in costa - it's nothing serious, i just don't feel my best yet.
- that i wouldn't forget what the Lord taught me, what He did, who He is, and who I am in Him
- pray against fear, anxiety, and post-missions-syndrome as i adjust back to normal life, work and face the upcoming semester.
- that the Lord would put His word in my mouth
-that i might be broken for the sake of the Gospel