transformation

this past Thursday Louie Giglio came and spoke at FCA - I was excited to have my dad come up and get to hear Louie - a few things struck me:

1. I watched as hundreds of students pushed and shoved to get in the building to see one man preach - to hear one man's words - and I was one of them. I wondered how many other students were like me - pushing and shoving so selfishly with the mindset of hearing from a great communicator instead of hearing from the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I believe it can be both - but I realized as I settled into my seat that I had not come with pure motives. Sure, I wanted to hear Louie speak and I wanted him to tell me something in a way that would make things snap into place for me - wake me up from this complacent and hard heart - but I was waiting to hang on the words of a man rather than on the words of the Lord that Louie would speak. I pushed and shoved not to get to Jesus - because had another speaker been scheduled I probably wouldn't have stayed up to go to FCA. I had pushed and shoved to get to a man that I thought, in some twisted way had a better access to the Spirit than I, or something like that. I realize that I do that a lot - I tend to take my focus off of the Lord and place it on great men and women of God - at the end of the day they're an imperfect sinner like I am... the only difference is that my eyes are too busy looking at them looking at the Lord rather than gazing on His face directly.
2. i've struggled (an understatement) with my salvation, wrestled with my story, battled doubt for the majority of my life. for one, I don't remember when I came to know the Lord because I was so young - since then, I've come to know the Lord - but each time I begin to feel bombarded with doubt I pray that silly sinner's prayer again. Lately, I've just felt like a ridiculous failure - I don't understand how someone can see how screwed up they are and yet still be so prideful and stubborn about it - but my heart has been hard- so hard lately. I'm not okay with it at all, but trying to "fix it" or "change it" only makes it worse. Louie said a lot of things Thursday that resonated with me - I needed to hear them and wanted to hear them. He said something so simple and it was exactly the truth I needed to hear.

The Gospel is NOT bad people believing in Jesus trying to become better.
The Gospel is DEAD people being raised to LIFE.
I was dead and Jesus brought me to life in Him - He is my life.

For so long I've struggled with my story - never being a bad kid or having some sort of crazy testimony in which one moment I was a drug-abuser/prostitute/you-name-it-I-did-it-kid, who came to know Jesus, then experienced complete freedom and obvious transformation from my former lifestyle. I recognize now how messed up I am - and the past few months have been spent trying to break strongholds - trying to feel like less of a mess - trying to "become better." When the reality is, I don't know if I've ever identified myself with the death and resurrection of Christ. I've believed it, but identifying myself with it means that 1. Christ died once all - it's finished. 2. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, the life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal2:20). I don't have to try to break strongholds on my own strength because I'm dead - and Christ is more than sufficient for me.

November 2008 - an impossible dream

"I had this "dream"/idea last year of a school/home/clinic for girls. Actually, I did a project on it for a nursing course. The goal was to have a free place for women - especially teenage girls and moms - to be able to come and live, to be educated and taught skills that would equip them to get a job, to give them free medical care - especially when it came to working with pregnant women and infants. I wanted it to be in a place where women weren't treated well - in a place where they weren't given many options if they were single or widowed or abandoned. I wanted it to be a place totally free - so that their families would have options and so that coming and attending school or living would be open to every girl, every woman, every infant, every teen.
It's a massive dream for anyone - but an "impossible" one for such a fearful person.
I'm so afraid - in my flesh I don't want to move somewhere in the bush, in the middle of a war-zone - I can't handle the atrocities, tragedies, heartbreak and grief - I'm sheltered, I always have been and I've been okay with it - I can't go to these places, work with these girls, I can't handle it. These thoughts and fears swirl in my head.
Most of them are lies. The truth is, I am sheltered- I have no idea what it's like to suffer - I've got a pretty darn cush life and I've never had to wonder or worry (that doesn't mean I don't) about where my clothing, food, education, anything will come from. The lie consists of the "I can'ts" the "it's impossible" the "you're too fearful" and the "what can you, of all people, really do to change anything?"
The thought of "they need to know there's hope - I need to know there's hope" was suddenly a target for the Holy Spirit to convict me the other day. I know there's hope, the source of Hope lives in me, yet I don't claim it or live in light of it. I don't need to go to see that there's Hope - no, Hope exists. I don't need to go to bring it, it's there - just like I don't bring Jesus or the Gospel or God anywhere - He's there already. The crazy fact that He choses to use us is not so that we can "bring" Him anywhere- but so that He brings us and introduces us as His kids - manifestations of his light, love, hope, joy, hands, feet, heart. Conviction of self-righteousness has hit like a wave the past few days... instead of seeing myself sitting down to serve as though I'm superior - I should see myself kneeling, eye-level with those I get to hang out with, serve and help as equals, even as a student who wants to learn. They don't owe me anything, they shouldn't praise me for anything.
Is a servant praised for doing his job? God's not interested in me sitting down at the feast with my side-dish - he doesn't need it, because he's got more than enough (and better) food. All He's interested in is me being there, enjoying His presence, and passing the potatoes (the blessings he's given me) to His kids - my siblings.
grace - how i want to get such scandalous grace" - me two years ago

today i began a book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick and i thought of this dream, posted on this blog in November of 2008. It was born in 2007 and it has lasted throughout these three years. what i wrote then is still true and relevant, only now i might dare to ask in audacious faith for it to become a reality. i'm graduating in May, single and in a place where i never thought i would be. in his book, Furtick says something that completely struck me: "If you're not daring to believe God for the impossible, you're sleeping through some of the best parts of your Christian life. And further still: if the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God."
i've prayed scary prayers before, but this one might top the list - that God Almighty would open up my eyes and my heart to the vision He has for me, and that i might respond in complete obedience.
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if i could speak...

recently i saw a young woman faced with unexpected news, wrecked from a past abortion, abandoned and without a loving father-figure. all i wanted to do was tell her she was loved exactly as she was - accepted - wanted - that no past, present, or future circumstance or decision was beyond redemption.

this week i saw a young man full of rage like i've never seen before. i sat through and listened to therapist and patients try to educate him on ways to control his rage. the whole time all i could see was a little boy unable to cope with the death of his father, walling in himself with hurt, bitterness, and unresolved grief just to prevent anyone else from getting to close. i saw him act out, shut down, as waves of hurt welled up in side of him - i watched as everyone talked about dealing with anger - and i just wanted to tell him that rage wasn't the source of his problem. i wanted to listen to his story - because that's all he really wanted to get out.

 with each circumstance i wondered if i could do this - could i sit in these exam rooms, so cold and observe so much brokenness all without uttering the name of Jesus or words of encouragement aloud?

wednesday morning

my alarm buzzed off at 5am this morning - and i had every intention of getting up, making some green tea, having some time with Jesus and then meeting Rachel for our library-study-cram-sesh before-test date. however, i overslept and woke up at 6:33 - leaving the apartment and getting to Rachels at 7am. i was completely reminded of God's sovereignty in the car - just how today is His and He's completely sovereign over it...again, that He is good and that He is for my good. He's a good Dad and He knows i needed the extra sleep.

seasons have been a theme for me since school started - maybe they always have been, but it's definitely more pronounced now. i'm continually reminded that i'm in this season for a particular reason, whether i like it or not, i'm learning the necessity of being content and being present - of inviting the Lord to teach me all that He wants me to learn in this season - in this time. not looking back to past seasons or forward in worry or anxiety about the future ones - but just focusing on where i am now...and trusting that where i am now is exactly where i need to be. the diseases of comparison and insecurity no longer have a right to ravage me - the spirits of fear, anxiety, and pride have no right to my heart or mind in the name of Christ. While i hate all of those things, they are so rampant within me so much of the time - and i'm learning that they have no right to be present in my life. There's so much authority and power in the name of Christ that i don't even comprehend, but i'm learning, and He's teaching.

one thing i do love, is this season of Autumn - as everything in creation is changing, i feel change - and while i dislike change and my tendency is to fear and be anxious - i DO love changing leaves and cooler weather, open windows and apple pie, and pumpkin spice smells. it's always been odd to me that my favorite season is one in which everything is preparing to die - lots of people see winter as cold, dark, and spring as a season in which everything comes alive - but i think sometimes that fall - in all of it's beauty - is a season in which dying begins - the leaves, in all of their lovely colors,are essentially dying. i don't mean this to sound morbid, i only mean that the process of dying/learning to die is not fun at all, no one looks forward to it - yet it's one of the most beautiful things.

fall

this past weekend I got to go home and see my fabulous family. I also got to bring Adrienne home to hang out - apparently the boys were excited to have her bake some yummy goodies. Bake she did - Coca-Cola Cake and apple pie. We went apple picking and got to watch my stud of a brother, Pat, play some soccer. It was Adrienne's first experience with soccer and Pat got really excited. She said he got out a sheet of paper and drew "A bunch of X's and O's and arrows" to explain the game - by the end of the second game I think she got it... but not before making us all giggle when she asked why the goal keepers were wearing different colored shirts. Lovely trip home - a definite refresher.

blessings this week,

<3>

tech-savvy is not my middle name

i don't know how formatting my blog ended up like it did - but i'm rolling with it. here are some recent photos (recent being from the summer):


my best friend got hitched and it was beautiful:






my family took a real family vacation - and the lovely hannahb happened to be on the same island the same week:

more recent - growing up. looking forward and trying not to panic - coming up with a list of places to move and work - at the top of the list:

Boston, MA

Birmingham, AL

Other's include Charlotte, Charleston, Chapel Hill, Portland, Chicago, Baltimore, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, and Honolulu. Oh, and Columbia :)

Most of these places have relatively good OB or Pediatric hospitals. Some are conveniently near the beach or the mountains - and I'm not sure I could live somewhere not within driving distance of an ocean or a hiking trail. Obviously, Columbia would be the cheapest option - living at home rent free and working = saving up. Some of these hospitals and residency programs would be amazing to get into though. Which is why Birmingham is on the list - it's relatively inexpensive to live there and I could work and go to school at the same time - working in a great OB/Women's Health or Pediatric unit.

I'll be honest - looking at these places is just a great distraction from school. I'll end up where I get a job and where the Lord leads me, and I'll love it/learn in it. It just happens to be fun looking at cities and having the freedom to move some place completely new.


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Fierce Warrior, Jealous Lover.

Today I found myself discouraged. For the past few weeks I've had more anxiety attacks and physical episodes of near fainting/vomiting (gross, I'm sorry). Last Tuesday I threw up in front of an entire class of 70 people - in my LAP. I was too weak to stand and go to the bathroom because I felt so light-headed and dizzy. Today, I was overcome with abdominal pain, intense cramping all over - to the point that I could hardly catch my breath. Nausea and dizziness joined in with the stomach pains and I ended up sitting in the bathroom in a cold sweat. So entirely sick of this happening and with no known reason. I've had blood drawn, and ECG done, etc. - and all of that looks fine (thankfully) - the doctor's are starting to think anxiety. These "episodes" are so different than past anxiety attacks. Whether there is a physical cause or not, I have no doubt that Satan's used these moments to discourage me.

I'm pretty honest about my anxiety - if there was going to be a time for this to happen due to anxiety it would have been last night or this morning before I bombed my pediatrics test - I was freaking out last night because I knew I was so unprepared and had no time to prepare. I had missed an entire lecture which composed half of the test the week before because I "got sick." This morning though, I woke up and had a great time with the Lord - just in prayer and claiming His promises. That's He's good, and that He's for my good. That I don't have to fear or be anxious because He's my God - He upholds me with the strength of His right arm - He's my help and my strong tower - my comforter and my redeemer. I went to the library early with Rachel, rushing to try to lay eyes on massive amounts of material - but resigned to the fact that this wouldn't be my best test and that it would be okay. I didn't feel anxious - even when I got the test and didn't know half of the answers. It wasn't until lecture started that I began to feel intense pain and get sick.

I believe God's called me to peace - to trust Him - to live anxiety-free. I believe that's a part of my inheritance - and a life that I have struggled to believe is possible. There are times when my anxiety feels like an impossibly overwhelming mountain - but it's not. It's very much a sin-struggle, a choice to move from worshipping the Lord to self-worship, pride, and unbelief. Tonight I tuned into Steven Furtick's 24 hour preaching in God's perfect timing. He said something so encouraging to me and so clearly from the Lord. The closer I am to receiving the inheritance/the promise of God - in this case no anxiety or fear, but a life of peace, rest and security (not comfort) - the stronger the resistance and opposition. Satan plays dirtier the closer I get to receiving all that God has for me, but he has no victory.

In this season I am not alone. I am a beloved daughter of the Living God and I'm convinced He's making me more like Him even in this. I know He has things to teach me in this season- places to take me in His heart. I also know that He's after my heart with all He's got - that while Satan plays dirty, Jesus relentlessly pursues me and presses His finger on everything that competes with Him for my attention and affections. My God is a fierce warrior - and while I'll have trouble in this world, He's overcome it - and in Him, I am more than a conqueror. My God is a jealous lover - faithful, gentle, persistent.

he who has been stealing must steal no longer.