lessons from the week

This week was the first really challenging one of my semester. I started the year wanting to have a life - to pour into relationships and people - instead of stressing to make another 4.0.

This year I have three clinicals (M,Th,F) and two days of lecture (T,W). This week I had two exams. I've never felt so unprepared for exams, and I almost never start studying for an exam the day before I have to take it (which I totally did this week). I won't lie and say that I didn't stress at all - I was a ball of stress on Tuesday morning before my exam. I knew that material would be from the textbook - and I really struggle to read textbooks. I had spent a lot of time trying to read the text for this class (averaging an embarrassingly few amount of pages per hour) and felt like I had retained no information. Saturday, I enjoyed tailgating with friends and hanging out with my brother after the football game. I managed to catch a few hours in the library during the game (lame, I know - but it didn't seem like a good game anyways). Monday, I was blessed to get out of clinical 4 hours early! I got home around 9:30 and debated if I should run or go to the library. I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I ran for the first time without feeling like I was in a hurry to be doing something else. I kept reminding myself that I had 4 extra hours and I could run for longer, shower, and grab lunch. The weather was beautiful and I felt great - I ended up running my longest run yet at a surprisingly steady pace.
After the run I got to catch lunch with my roommates before going to study. I caught about 2 hours of study time and then headed back to the apartment for Monday night dinner. I planned on studying and only coming out of my room for about thirty minutes, but I ended up not studying at all. I scurried off to band practice for Navs and managed to catch 2-3 more hours before finally choosing sleep at midnight. I hit the library early to review my notes and read over material I hadn't covered yet - I started to physically feel anxious. I went into the test knowing that I didn't "deserve an A" and wondering how I would handle getting a B in a course (I obviously struggle with perfectionism). I also went in knowing that I had enjoyed some sweet time in community, and that had been my desire in the first place. We went over the test and I was so happy with my grade, and so convicted by God's faithfulness and grace.
I hit the books again for a few hours before Navs for my next exam - struggling to understand material I should have mastered in anatomy. I was so excited when I finally got the concept and then realized I had only covered one small part of the test. Oops. I went to Navs and enjoyed seeing people, worshipping with them, and hearing the Word of God as Jason (ironically) talked about growing up in Christ. I came home from Navs totally unmotivated to study. I felt so chill and I was just tired of school work. After an unsuccessful attempt to study, I went to bed. I hit the library before the test again in the morning, and felt surprisingly relaxed. It was so unusual that I actually began to wonder if I was subconsciously stressing. I started to worry about my lack of stress (weird) then I was reminded about how dumb that was! For the first time in my life, I realized that worrying got me nowhere good - that I really feed off of anxiety and it kicks my butt every time. I had known this about myself, but it had never clicked. Suddenly stressing about this exam would not improve my chances of magically knowing the material - if anything, it would only distract me. After all, stressing didn't help me with my Peds test - and God was faithful to provide in that situation. I felt peaceful (I'm assuming it was peace - it was such a rare feeling for me) until I got a latte - and then I experienced the caffeine-induced jitters. The test went well - so, so well.
Today, I was nervous about clinical because I knew I would be working with children. I'm always nervous about getting an uncooperative child - or one who doesn't like me. I got a miracle patient - a child incredibly blessed to be alive - and one who reminded me of God's sovereignty.
Before you read this, know that this was all the Lord and not me:
At the start of clinical, while I was waiting to receive report from my night nurse, my Peds instructor confronted me and congratulated me. I must have had a confused look on my face, because she began to explain to me that I had received the highest grade in the class. I was surprised, and I felt awkward, and then I worried that she might think that was normal for me. That's never happened before.

Two of the main things I've learned (or am learning) this week are these:
1. That I'm so quick to buy into the lie that God is not good, and that He is not for my good. When in reality, He is perfectly good and He loves me completely. Whatever happens in my life, whether good or bad, comes through the hands of my Sovereign Father first - and He has my best interest at heart. Not for earthly success, but for the sole purpose of growing me into maturity - into Christlikeness. This doesn't mean that I'll always make good grades or have good things happen all the time - it just means that He's good - regardless of what happens He's still in control and does not change.
2. I'm so quick to place my faith in the measure of my faith instead of the faithfulness of my God. My God is faithful. His faithfulness towards us is NOT determined by the level of our faith - it's based on His Word and His character. I don't deserve it. I can't earn it. I've done everything possible to break His heart - worshipping idols and whoring myself like Israel so often did. I've slowly started to see God begin to answer prayers for Godly sorrow which leads to true repentance - and at the root is the realization that I am completely unworthy and undeserving of His grace. That apart from Him I have no good thing (Ps 16:2). That's the beauty of the Gospel - that Jesus did what I could never do to bring me into a right relationship with Him - that He absorbed God's wrath towards me and that through His death and resurrection I am fully loved by God - I am fully pleasing to Him because of Jesus and Jesus only (Eph2).

the question of the night - could I say the following and it be true in my life?
"If I lose it all - You are enough. If I gain the world - You are enough. My joy is complete. Jesus, You are more than enough for me."

learning to trust and rest on His chest like a weaned child,
a

wallowing

dear school girl heart,

you have this one night to wallow and embrace your hurt. this one night only. let out some tears then wash them from your cheeks.
tomorrow is a new day, and you are not your own.
Papa has it.
Papa has you.
Trust Him child.

<3>

hullo tuesday

I wanted to add pictures with this update - and then I quickly realized that I don't have any recent pictures because I avoid being in them. so that's a new goal - take more pictures, get over insecurities.

anyways - I DID find this one and it's one of my favorite moments of the summer...

...this is my best friend and my sister, Autumn, on her wedding day.

Aside from reading a bunch of textbooks, my lovely roommate Carolina loaned me this one...

...I'm only on chapter 3, but it's been incredibly good so far. I'm tired of living like I'm defeated when Christ has the victory.

I'm super excited about getting involved with the Navigators again - I'm really enjoying meeting new people and getting to use my gifts in ministry. At the same time, the Lord has really been putting His finger on my motivation and on my heart. He tells me that "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" - and lately, my heart has been really gross and self-absorbed.

I'm blessed to be living with Caroline and Hannah, and I'm getting to know Jennifer better. One thing is for sure - I'm struck by the redemption and restoration that is evident in my life. I'm so forgetful, but Jesus keeps reminding me of His grace towards me in every circumstance. It's painful - when you realize that you're completely unworthy of the Gospel and how frequently you break His heart - BUT that's what makes it so incredibly beautiful. Not only have I been redeemed by the Lord - but He's redeemed and restored relationships in my life as well. I'm so blessed to be living with my friend and sister Caroline again - I love that we can sit on the kitchen counter in the morning and eat breakfast (well, I eat cheerios and she drinks coffee). I love that God's taken a painful situation and turned it into something beautiful - and Hannah is a daily reminder of that beauty. Her presence was an answer to prayer, and her friendship an incredible blessing.
My roommates are awesome, but I'm really pumped about what God's doing in my relationship with my dad. Relationships involve people and we'll never be perfect - but God's been restoring my relationship with my dad. We actually talk more, and I like that. Learning how to live and operate in this new relationship has been weird - maybe because we've been so used to relating in such an unhealthy way for so long - but I like that God's teaching us. I was convicted (in the most gentle but strong way) the other day by a new friend to pray for my Dad (something I knew I should do but had slacked off on doing). So we're praying for each other, and we'll let each other down again - but healing is taking place. I cry at this (more like have a weep-fest)- I didn't think we would be here at the beginning of the summer.

That's all I got - at some point I'll have a more logical theme for posts.
love,
a

life update

the past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind - and now that things seem to be settling, I still find myself feeling tense, anxious, and wondering what to do with my precious free time. I wish the thumping of my heart would just go away - for most of this past week, I've felt constantly like a panicked animal - like a frozen squirrel you walk by on the sidewalk before they run up a nearby tree. I have no explanation for this feeling, really.

Saturday was a crazy day of moving in, followed by a few days of unpacking and settling in. Every time I leave home I feel this overwhelming feeling of emotions - ones of excitement, and ones that make me want to curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and refuse to grow up. You might think that after three years of moving out and starting a new school year I would be used to this whole process of change - but can you really get used to change? I feel like that might be a contradiction. Still, I think it's possible to learn how to handle change well, and I wish I had that mastered.

Tuesday I had my first anxiety attack in a while - its like a beast lurking in the shadows - you know its coming but it hits when you're weak. I've never felt so frustrated or hopeless - fighting to breathe and not throw up as I'm laying in my living room trying to speak truth. Voices just taunting me with lies - fighting against the belief that my anxiety will rule my life for the rest of my life - it just seems so impossible that I could be free from it - that I could never have to struggle with it again.

Tuesday night: God reminds me of Joshua and Jericho - of the Israelites - of His command to be "strong and courageous" to "not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you may go." (Josh 1:9). He reminds me of how impossible and impenetrable the walls of Jericho seemed to the Israelites - and yet how He brought them crashing down. He reminded me that the battle is the Lord's - that He's already won - and that Satan has no power over me except that which I give him. Peace reigned - even if it was just for a few moments - and that ignited hope.

Wednesday - Psych orientation. The class I've literally been dreading. I mean, if there is a class I've ever been terrified about - it is this one, and I am not exaggerating when I say I feel terrified. The kind of fear that paralyzes you and makes you want to find any and every excuse to not go to clinical. It's irrational - for sure - but I'm being honest. I called my mom after clinical orientation and cried like a baby. For reasons I literally can't mention - but they exist.

Thursday - Peds orientation - the fear I had about working with children is almost gone - I'm now excited about this class. Still nervous about working with kids, but really excited about my professor - who's also my clinical leader. It should be good.

Friday - OB orientation - pumped. Enough said.

Ways you can pray for me:
1. Pray for discipline in my quiet times, prayer life, and scripture memory - it's normally the first thing to go when my life gets busy but the only thing I need.

2. Pray for application of the Word and humility/a teachable heart
3. Pray that I would confidently claim the victory I have in Christ over my struggle with anxiety and self-worship
4. Pray for peace - peace all over - in my daily life and especially in my clinicals (psych for sure).
5. Pray for opportunities to share/be the Gospel as I spend time with my classmates, professors, and patients
6. Pray for an outlet in which I can safely process all that happens in clinical - that I won't clam up about the hard experiences, but that I would process everything in a healthy manner.

thanks loves,
a

ebenezer

God has helped me this far, He will help me still more. Jesus, You are faithful.

stor(ies)

Saturday night I caught up with some very old friends of mine in downtown Athens. We ended up at this place called The Globe - next to a big window and a view of a busy street corner. We began to catch up on every one's lives in spark note versions. There was laughter, empathy, a bit more laughter, and brokenness. I began to hear themes of redemption, betrayal, and grief in every story.

Lately I've made some personal decisions that weren't very wise... most of them were just plain wrong. Some have been the kind of choices made in sheer rebellion and others less thought through. Regardless - I found myself disappointed - beating myself up about them - and afraid that God was going to come at me with a hammer of some sort. The kind of fear you have when you get called to the Principal's office in elementary school. I was telling my counselor about some of my recent choices and how I felt about them, and she had an interesting thought - one that lined up very well with a book I've been reading by Donald Miller. "What if, rather than focusing on your performance, you chose to look at the invitations God's got for you?" she asked me. In other words - I can focus on trying to do better next time and always failing - or I can receive an invitation from the Lord into something else.

I'm a character in a story being written by an author. Recently, I noticed that I've been writing a bad story. It's mediocre - full of cowardice, rooted in insecurity, masked by comfort and self-indulgence. It's like one of those movies that you walk out of the theater going "I paid $10 to see that??" It's been unremarkable because I've been trying to write my own story. When you try to write your own story, you find that things like money, sex, alcohol, and relationships just aren't what they're cracked up to be -they don't satisfy. When you try to write your own story, you try to fill God-given desires in your own way and in your own timing - so while there's nothing inherently wrong about money, sex, alcohol or relationships - they can be damaging when stripped from God's context.

There's no peace when you try to write your own story. I've never found myself more restless than I've been the past few weeks - running from city to city just to get away from my own stupidity and ignore my compulsion to be in control. Driving home from Athens was humbling. It's humbling when you realize that apart from the Lord you have no good thing - even more humbling to realize that His grace is what's holding you in your terrible unworthiness. Driving home from Charleston a few days later was also humbling - realizing that what you thought was a decent story is really an awful one is hard to swallow.

Miller puts it like this, "You can call it God or a conscience, or you can dismiss it as that intuitive knowing we all have as human beings, as living storytellers; but there is a knowing I feel that guides me toward better stories, toward being a better character. I believe there is a writer outside ourselves, plotting a better story for us, interacting with us, even, and whispering a better story into our consciousness....At first, even though I could feel God writing something different, I'd play the scene the way I wanted. This never worked. It would always have been better to obey the Writer, the one who knows the better story."

We're characters - each with our own unique stories - being written by this brilliant Author whose heart is for us, not against us. God doesn't come at me hard or angry - His wrath was fully satisfied in Christ - but He comes to me with an invitation to be part of a better story - His story. I can't help but wonder what would happen if we received that invitation. One thing I do know is that He redeems even the worst chapters.

prodigal waves

I don’t know how to get back to where we once were
Where we ever there, or did we just wish for and hope so
If we wanted to leave, and go separate ways, we would’ve left by now
We’re in a deep and dark ocean, swimming on waves of change, waves of grace.

Something deep inside of me holds me like an anchor here
In my wildest dreams, I run fast and free
Home in Love, acceptance and peace.
But there’s a long road ahead, resting on the promise
That You always heal – teach me to run.

I don’t know how to let go, to begin to unearth
Thousands of tears, thousands of wounds I’ve managed to ignore
I would rather run than deal with the pain, it’s easier that way
But it’s Perfect Love that won’t leave me alone in this place.

Something deep inside of me holds me like an anchor here
In my wildest dreams, I run fast and free
Home in Love, acceptance and peace.
But there’s a long road ahead, resting on the promise
That You always heal – teach me to run.

To run into Your arms, bury my head in your neck
Hear you whisper of your Love and feel comfort from your breath.
To run like a prodigal home, expecting her Father’s acceptance
In the midst of utter failure and unworthiness.

Something deep inside of me holds me like an anchor here
We’re in a deep and dark ocean, swimming on waves of change, waves of grace
We’re not alone in this place.