sts boredom

in my sts class sometimes i get a little bored or lost, or both... these are the result of that boredom:

Junk Food
you're like junk food -
tasty, sweet, addictive
processed, fake, unhealthy
you are like junk food -
no
you are junk food.
you are ice cream -
refreshing and cool
you are potato chips -
salty and crispy
you are french fries and Oreos,
pizza and brownies.
You are a can of pop, a drive-thru window,
a warm, glazed donut
and a side of onion rings.
you taste good at first but
you leave my body ravaged.
you are nothing but fat, high blood pressure
and imitation sugar.
you are uniform, lacking natural flavors,
man-made additives, color #5
you are junk food - not good for me.

and todays:

Thursdays
you begin early and end late
you are the in-between
the climb down
you follow the peak of the week
Wednesday
you are not yet the release
Friday
you are a waiting room of sorts
no longer sick at home
not yet seeing a doctor
there's a beauty about you
but you seem overlooked
Wednesday is fought to be reached
Friday is looked at with longing
Thursday - are you ever seen as Thursday?
You are "the day before Friday"
you are "almost the weekend"
you are lonely, unseen and used
your value determined by your position
but today, you are Thursday
for 24 hours you are enjoyed solely because you are
Thursday

for what they're worth.
<3

reminders

today i was reminded of a story

it was nice to be reminded, convicting as well, of this story because it reminded me of how Sovereign the Lord really is. He's had His hand on my life since before I could speak or think on my own - since before I was literally formed in the womb. My existence was a shock, a surprise, seemingly unplanned, and yet in His sovereignty I live.

yet I constantly worry, stress, wonder, doubt.

without fail, in His perfect faithfulness, He keeps His hand on me. when I fail to seek Him, fail to ask Him, fail to look to Him - He still loves and protects me.

so why do I worry? what is it that makes me think I have any control, or that I am more secure when I'm directing and guiding my life than when I just simply trust Him? because the reality of it, is that before the illusion of control ever occurred to me, He handled things perfectly. if, when I had no knowledge of my existence, no voice to speak or thoughts to form, He took perfect care of me - what makes me think that I can do better now without Him?

i don't understand why i do the things that i do. i am so quick to forget that the Lord has been so good to me, that He's good regardless of how good my life is going, that more than giving me physical life, He's given me eternal life, that He has never failed to take His sovereign hand off of me...despite my efforts to try to shake Him off.

undeserving.

running shoes

i run.
i run from you
i don't know why i run
i put on my running shoes
i turn my back on you
i run from you
i run

i run though you're better
i run though you're life
i run though you're sweeter

i run from you
you are rest
you are love
you are life

i run
i'm afraid
but i run to fear
i'm alone
but i run to isolation
i'm wounded
but i run back to my abuser

and i'm not sure how to change. how to stop. or why i run in the first place.
so open my eyes, lead me to repentance, to the place where i slip on my running shoes and run straight to you.

belief

"Belief builds from scratch.
Doesn't have to relax, it doesn't need space.
Long live the queen and I'll be the king.
In the collar of grace.

Oh, tonight, you arrested my mind.
When you came to my defense.
With a knife in the shape of your mouth,
in the form of your body, with the wrath of a god.
Oh, you stood by me."
-gavin degraw

i'm such the girl - but i've had this song in my head for weeks. each time it comes on pandora i get excited to hear it. there's something in me that wants to be able to fight for someone, to come to their defense, not necessarily because they cannot defend themselves, but because i love them and don't ever want them to think that they're alone for a minute.

i find it interesting and intriguing to see how fierce a woman can really be - not fierce as in mean, but fierce as intense, passionate, and deep. take a wife - she's fragile, treated as the weaker partner, her heart's desire is to be protected, sheltered, cared for and cherished by her husband. take a wife who's after the Lord's heart - who's submissive to her husband, who encourages and builds him up, who respects him, loves him with faith, and recognizes that she is his. take that wife and unjustly accuse her husband of something, and you see if she doesn't fiercely defend him.

it's not a harsh, cruel, mean, defensive, sinning-in-anger defense - it's being quick to "speak the truth in love," to affirm him and build him up whether he is present or not. it's not forsaking honesty or ignoring his shortcomings or failures - it's recognizing slander, unreasonable criticism, malice, and discouragement and counteracting those things with love, honest, encouragement, grace, and gentleness.

that's just the picture i get in my head anyways. i know so little about relationships - but in my head a woman affirming her husband's identity in Christ - affirming who he is, why he is, and reminding him that he's loved deeply is a beautiful picture. the opposite could barely be called a marraige.

<3

silence

....

the thing about snow

hi.

i feel like i have a lot in my head - physically with having a cold - but in other ways too. i feel like i went through a lot of emotions today. but i'll spare you from most of that. (you're very welcome)

today as i was walking to and from class, i was thinking about the snow that was still lying on the ground. i've thought about snow a lot lately - maybe because the we never get it - maybe because i think in analogies and the snow has provided one for me - maybe because it was just there and maybe because i over-analyze - maybe all of it.

the thing about snow - what makes it different from just rain or ice - is that it is beautiful in its rarity (for those of us living here anyways). It isn't just beautiful in its rarity though - it's beautiful in it's texture -- it's soft and fluffy and we associate it with harmless play and childhood. that it is beautiful, there is no doubt - but that it is dangerously beautiful may not be thought of much.

snow is fluffy, rare, beautiful, exciting, fun, playful, and somewhat unexpected - there's this rush you get when you're around snow - it's attractive, full of life - or at least it brings the life out in people - there's this grand fascination among us when it comes to snow. a snow day makes you put off all work and most of all the rules - almost anything is allowed because, after all, it is a "snow day." a snow day doesn't count as any other day - it's a welcomed holiday unlike any other because it's fresh and in many ways spontaneous.

snow is deceitful though - it is all of those good things for a while - but it is dangerous in its nature. it is cold and unrelenting - in a blizzard, its cloudy eyes draw you in and rarely can you find your way out again. snow falls and melts then freezes - turning to thin, invisible ice that cares nothing about you as you slip on it walking on the sidewalk.

it is impossible to be intimate with snow - or at least enjoy its intimacy. you are never bare with snow - to touch it against your bare skin for a moment leaves a cold reminder - for a while leaves you frostbitten and numb. you layer yourself while in the snow, and even your feet feel it's cool nature as it seeps through the thick soles of your shoes.

for a while the snow is awesome - it is fun and thrilling - but then it fools you and leaves you frozen. yet time and time again - with each chance of meeting with snow - all is forgotten and it is heavenly.

i've noticed that there are people in my life that are like snow - manipulative - they're fun and thrilling, they convince you to take the layers off - maybe because they make you think they are warm and welcoming - but even in their beauty and thrill you are hit with the harsh reality that they have left as quickly as they came - leaving you frozen, frostbitten, and wondering how you ended up sprawled out on the sidewalk.

and like it is with snow, you feel foolish knowing that the next time they come around you may very well fall for them again.

war and toilets

i love the girls i live with.

with no one else have i ever had to google how to fix a toilet, and tackle fixing a rebellious one.
today at 11am our toilet broke - tonight around midnight we fixed it.
with a coat hanger.

before fixing the toilet we just got to talk and it was awesome. Sandy was talking about how the Lord has freed her from stuff and basically shared some of the best stories - it was just so encouraging to see Jesus free her from stuff that to some extent we all struggle with. to see just this light and laughter in her eyes because she was no longer chained - it made me envious of her freedom in such a good way. we talked about how we have the power of the Spirit - so often we approach the cross asking for power and help when we have it - we just don't choose to use it.

hmm.

i'm so thankful for these girls - for what they teach me and for what they challenge me in. in no way are we perfect and in no way do we handle every conflict with grace and love - but to live with women - women- who love the Lord and seek to glorify Him in everything is so amazing.
i'm so thankful for nights like tonight - when i just get to listen to what God's doing in their lives - whether life is peachy or cloudy it's always so encouraging because i see their hearts. their hearts are beautiful.

tonight we defeated a toilet and we rejoiced. but even more than that - we just got to talk and rejoice over what the Lord has done.

we have a good God - and a fixed toilet. and cookie dough.
i'd say tonight was pretty great.
<3