procrastinating

i'm back in clemson for the day - i have an hour before my lab - an hour that i should be spending doing work, but an hour that i just want to do nothing in. in a compromise (not much of one) i find myself here.

i have a stomach ache - i downed some vitamins after eating a small salad for lunch - and i'm thinking it wasn't such a great idea. i realized that i've taken a lot of vitamin C - probably too much past the upper limit - even though my body will get rid of it, it reminds me that too much of a good thing can feel crappy.

so i'm sitting here, not really knowing what to do or where to start with stuff. waiting. with a tummy ache and a few thoughts that are too jumbled for me to make sense of them.

i think i've realized a few things about me this past week - things i didn't expect to experience maybe... definitely. i never thought i could detach from certain things, but i have surprisingly. i didn't think i had the strength to ever be in a hospital room again, let alone on on the ICU - but it wasn't like i thought it'd be. in that moment i could detach just enough to be objective and still allow myself to feel the weight of it all.

i wish i could do that with other things.

i wish there was some balance - some wisdom and discernment - something that wasn't all or nothing in just a brief moment. so often i feel like its all or nothing - maybe because extremes are much easier, maybe they seem be more secure or stable because you're with others who are just as extreme as you are. but in balance - its dynamic, changing, it requires flexibility and trust and wisdom.

jesus i need you.
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hospital memories

oh how unexpected life is.

i've spent about 10 hours in a hospital over the past two days. over 2 hours in a car on the way home weeping, praying, and worshiping. now, in the ICU waiting room in Lexington, I've got a chance to write.

there's an odd mixture of feelings in me. on the one hand, i can't imagine losing one of my parents. so suddenly. i can't imagine. on the other hand, part of me relates and grieves in a real way because i've tasted loss, grief, and hospital waiting rooms. i've faced waiting. knowing. imagining.

memories come back in a flash, like snippets of the past, they flash before my eyes and then they're gone. it's odd - i feel like i should cry again - i should feel more than i do. and i do cry, i do feel, but each year it fades more and more - like the sound of her voice, the way that she smelled, the way she'd sit on her couch and watch tv or read.

i know that she's whole. she's healed. people have told me that the Lord desires us to be healed, and I'll agree with them wholeheartedly. I know that my God is a God who raises the dead, heals the sick, and restores the broken. I also know that His thoughts aren't my thoughts, His ways aren't my ways, He is so high.

He's perfect, pleasing, and He knows what's best. What's best might seem cruel - in fact it did. I was angry, hurt, confused, so many things. for so long. Now it's like I know - I get it as best as I can, I think.

The Lord didn't turn a deaf ear to me - He answered me completely. She's totally healed, fully alive, and completely restored.

I'm right where I need to be. At the core of who He is, my God is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is sovereign - my God is sovereign. Why do I struggle so much to trust Him?

<3

this is me - asking how you are.

car time goodness

i am loved.

my sin is completely paid for through Jesus' death on the cross.
The cross is God not counting my past, present, or future against me.

I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, totally accepted and fully pleasing.

weeping and laughing, confessing and praising.

you alone are worth it all - you, just you.

you love me.
Holy God loves me.
<3

chchchChanges

Hmmmm

i'm finding myself in the need just to vent - to spill my guts out, and since i'm finding that i have no one to do that with, i'm throwing it out here - be warned, this is purging at its finest.

i'm having a hard time - i don't have it all together, but i'm not used to being on the brink of tears like i have been the past few weeks. i'm struggling, because my "old" nature doesn't seem so old - doesn't seem so crucified - and as i'm struggling with all of these changes, my heart just feels gross because i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm not trusting, i'm not resting, i'm not being obedient - that's how i feel anyways.

so where to start?

my living situation for next year - still not laid down, still up in the air. still stings.

my family - moving next weekend. last night was my last night in the house i've been in - all through middle school, high school and half of college. and i know that it's dumb, but i'm having a hard time with it. not only do i feel alone and without a support system here in clemson, i feel like i'm losing it in columbia too. i'm going home to a house that's not mine - to a room that i didn't set up - where i don't know where anything is - i don't know the phone number, address, or how to get there.

i went home this weekend hurting, because i felt alone - and i left home in tears because i felt even worse. all i did was write a paper, pack my room and spend a day at lowe's picking out mirrors for this new house. and i had to be okay with it - because my family's excited about it, and they should be. but there's this selfish part of me that just wants to stay - just wants something to stay unchanging. i get that change is a part of life - but i'm struggling when everything changes at once.

the crappiest part about this is that I know the Lord's doing it for a reason - He wants me to trust Him alone. and I'm trying - I am, but just in case it wasn't hard before, now it's harder. I'm realizing the extent of my stubbornness and rebelliousness and it's scary - i'm seeing how crappy and gross my heart is and i just don't know what to do... i can't change it.

i want someone to just understand - to ask - but then i don't want them to ask, because i'll cry. and i know that this is the purging of a stupid, spoiled girl who should just grow up - but i think the point is that i am growing up, i'm just trying to be honest about it. when builder's refer to your room as the "guest" room it just further cements the feeling of having no home. but i do have a home, a home that i'm pushing away because of this whole pity party, a home that doesn't change, a home that does pursue, that does ask - Jesus. I'm just struggling so hard to believe that He's enough - that He's better - that He's true.

i thought this would help me not cry - but it's not working.
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promises

Oh Mondays...

It's that time of the year again - the dreaded time of having to decide where and with whom you will live with the following year. do you stick with the people you've lived with for the past year, or do you brave living with new people you don't know well... and if you do change it up, there's that awkard-can't-help-but-hurt-a-bit conversation you have to have with your current roommate(s). I'm there.

The past two weeks have been craziness- I've met my new roommate, continue to take care of a handicapped roommate, all while trying to keep my head above water with school work. I've cried a lot - I even had an anxiety attack Sunday morning in church - something that hasn't happened in about a year.

I am a sensitive creature - this is my discovery. I'm sensitive to stress, but I can't say no - I can't walk out. The past few weeks have been so high stress in our apartment just because we all have stressful schedules, we're adapting to a new living situation, we're tired or we're in pain (Susan), we're frustrated and behind - it's not just my stress that I deal with - but the stress of everyone around me. Someone has a problem with another one and tells me instead of them, etc. And I can't handle it. Part of me wishes I was like Sandy - that I could just walk out and get away - but I can't. If I did - who would help? who would step up? She says I "race" to do it, but she just leaves. There's nothing wrong with it - it's just that we're different.

I'm afraid - because I have no idea what to do or where to live or who to live with next year. Do I sign that lease off campus for a whole year for an apartment of strangers? Do I stay conveniently on campus and risk getting paired with crazy people? Everyone has plans, and then there's me.

I was used to it in highschool - always being "there" but never being central, essential.

I've been talking to the Lord a lot - mostly because I have no one else to talk to. Anyways - He told me to "Be still and know that I am God" - so I tried. It was nice - He took me to Psalm 46, all of which is incredible, and then to Psalm 46:5
"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day"

I know that the Lord is within me because His word tells me so - I know that He has good plans for me, to prosper and not to harm me - I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that He is sovereign, not surprised by anything. I know that His eyes - they're gentle and full of love - I know that He is my refuge and my strength, my ever-present help in trouble (Ps 46:1). I know that things fall apart when I try to be in control, try to handle life in my own strength and in my own thought process.

I know that the Lord is God (Yahweh). It is He who made me, and I am His - I am one of His people, the sheep of His pasture - Ps 100:3.

I know that my Jesus is good at heart. He's brought me this far - I know that He'll bring me further - though I can't see it yet.

May it be so. I wish I had a bigger faith.

past

so this weekend i came home with the goal of getting a bunch of homework done and packing up my room. What actually happened was that I ate a ton of great food, watched a fair amount of tv, and went shopping with my mom for furniture and mirrors. I also went back into time.

before my room could be packed up, a lot of embarrassing stuff had to be thrown away. not bad stuff, just embarrassing middle school stuff that you never want to be reminded of. things like notes, cards, journals - all about a boy, from a boy, or drama resulting because of a boy's existance.

can i just say - i'm soo happy to be out of middle school, even high school.

it was funny to read some of the stuff - most of which was thrown away.
other things were encouraging and reading over them again, i was glad i had been such a pack rat.
i found a poem from when i was 9 years old - i'll let you relive it with me.

"South Carolina" (9/11/97)- by Alexandra Kirsten (obviously couldn't spell my own middle name) Corley

Oh, beautiful state.

Oh, beautiful flower.

Oh, beautiful bird.

Oh, beautiful spring shower.

I love my South Carolina State.

It's mine to keep, and I love to hear the baby chicks go peep, peep, peep.

stuff like that - i have no idea where it came from, other than that it was written in my Lisa Frank journal on hot pink paper with fluffy clouds. (That was one creepy diary looking back).

among other things, I found cards signed by my grandmother before she passed away. To see her name on a card, her handwriting - i kept all of them.

journals from Cuba, Kenya and Costa Rica - remembering what the Lord did in all of those places by rereading them was awesome.

notes and cards from friends from the time my grandmother passed away - they were real, honest, loving, and i was reminded of how blessed i am to still have those friendships today.

while it was embarrassing, i had quite a few chuckles and episodes where i just had to roll my eyes at myself. it was a good weekend - it was good to be reminded. in some areas, i think i've grown a lot, but in many others - i'm still dealing with the same issues. finding my self worth in christ, being secure and at peace with who I am, being confident of my relationship with Jesus and in my faith, trusting and depending fully on Him instead of worrying - i've learned new things, but i still deal with those issues daily. it makes me wonder what kind of woman i'll be 5, 6 and 7 years from now. Will i be this embarrassed to go and relive my highschool and college days? maybe. Will i still deal with the same issues I did in the 7th grade - most likely, but on a different level.

regardless, i survived this weekend. i am who i am today because of the past that i have - and the beautiful thing is that it's the past... it's gone. and i get to walk in freedom from it - which is something i'm learning how to do.

<3

the start of a new semester

so the semester has started - i could cry.

the Lord is good - I've got a great roommate who's cute and loves the Lord. I'm excited to see how we get along and get to know each other this semester. God's really worked in cool ways and we seem to have a lot in common.

I've also got more than enough hours and options to fulfill all of my requirements this semester - the trouble and overwhelming part is trying to pick the right classes to keep and those to drop. All of my classes this semester are really difficult and require a lot more work than I anticipated. There are tons of essays and analysis that have to be done, on top of a literal ton of reading. I know the Lord won't give me more than I can handle with Him - and I know I'm capable of doing this with His help (more than capable) - but I detest writing essays and I worry about having classes that are graded so subjectively (because I still the compulsive need to be "perfect"). I will not be perfect this semester (not that I ever had, but I might have to kiss my 4.0 goodbye) - but I have to trust that that's not important.

This is what is important - this is truth that does not change:
*God is faithful - He won't give me more than He and I can't handle.
*My self worth is NOT (self worth = performance + others' opinions).
*My worth is unchanging in Christ
*In Christ I am unconditionally loved and fully accepted.
*God keeps His promises - He never fails (or He's not God) - which means that He has great plans for my life - and if it's not great grades or passing certain classes that are "required" for my major - then it's something better.
*I am more than okay - the Lord is my strength.


Now if I just keep repeating those - I'll be good. I might still cry though ;)

running late to class -
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