Chesed

some veggie recipes for you

2012-01-31T21:53:00.000-05:00

I thought I would post some recipes while I’m sorting through all of the thoughts in my head. So before you cringe at the ingredients, just know that they’re very tasty and I’ve tried them out J

I started “juicing” last week which, being without a juicer, has proved to be very interesting. If you have a juicer, Congrats – you’re ahead of the game. If you’re like me and just have a blender, the process will be a bit more hands-on – just make sure you have a mesh strainer and you’re good to go.

I got these juice recipes from a health magazine – so here they are (and no, I didn't name them):

"Power Gulp" – don’t let the green color gross you out, it’s actually really good.

1 cup sliced kale (from about 3 large leaves) --> I just used three large leaves.
1 cup of seedless green grapes --> Publix was out of them, so I used 2 Kiwis. The kiwi’s give it a very acidic kick – so if you can go with the grapes, use the grapes. If you’re sick and need some Vitamin C – go with the kiwi.
1 English cucumber, thickly sliced
1 small Granny Smith Apple, chopped and cored.
1/2 cup of water.
**I added a large handful of baby spinach too**

Blend, strain, and thin with additional water if you need to. It says it makes 2 cups of juice, you can refrigerate it for up to 2 days, shake before drinking.

Nutritional Info: 1 cup: 110 Calories, Fat 0.6g, Protein 3g, Carbs 27g, Sugars 18g, Fiber 3g, Iron 1mg, Sodium 19mg, Calcium 77mg.

"Detox" – if you’re not a fan of beets, you probably won’t like this, but it is a great detox juice. I drank it in small doses throughout my day, which made it much more palatable.

2 tablespoons of fresh ginger, peeled and chopped (1/2 ounce) --> I used 3.
1 medium beet (8 ounces) scrubbed and coursely chopped
4 medium carrots (8 ounces), scrubbed and sliced.
1 medium apple (8 ounces), cored and cubed
1 cup of water.

Blend, Strain, thin with water if you need to. Makes 2 cups, refrigerate for up to 2 days, shake before serving.

Nutritional Info: 1 Cup: 155 Calories, Fat 0.7g, Protein 3g, Carbs 37g, Sugars 25g, Fiber 8g, Iron 1mg, Sodium 168mg, Calcium 62mg.

Kale “Chips”

I had heard about kale chips that you could purchase in the store, but I never thought about making them until tonight. I tossed some in with some other veggies I was going to roast, and they turned out delightful. If you can’t tell, Kale has become a relatively new veggie on my menu and I’m really loving how versatile it can be.

Preheat your oven to 425F. You’ll want a a roll-pan or cookie sheet.

Wash your kale in some cold water and shake off the excess water, not drying them completely. Cut it straight down the middle, then sideways down the leaves into bite-size pieces.

Take some fresh garlic cloves and chop them into fine pieces. I’ll let you judge how much you want, I love garlic so I’m hardly objective when it comes to the amount.

Toss the kale, garlic, rosemary, thyme, marjoram, salt and pepper together in a closed Tupperware container with a little bit of olive oil. Spread it on the roll-pan and cook for about 20 minutes.

You’ll get a crispy snack that’s great on its own, or a great addition to a main dish – like some salmon or a hamburger.

Roasted Root Veggies

If you want a great side dish to compliment baked chicken or some tilapia, you can follow the above recipe with a few tweaks.

Take 1-2 sweet potatoes, scrubbed and chopped into thick pieces. Scrub 2-3 beets, peeling off the “hairy” parts and chop into pieces tinier than the potatoes. Toss in the same ingredients and spread on a roll pain. Roast for 35-45 minutes on 425F until the veggies are soft on the inside and a bit crispy on the outside.

Beets have a lovely color but one that can stain a nice shirt – so wear an apron or cook in a bum shirt – you’ve been warned J

From my kitchen to yours –

<3 a

A Nashville Christmas

2012-01-18T18:45:00.000-05:00

I know it's more than halfway through January, but here's a little Christmas cheer for you on this (very cold) Wednesday evening....

I must say, this was my first time "fluffing" my Christmas tree...

...but look how pretty it turned out to be!

Among the very funny, awkward family photos we took, this was the best.

Celebrating our first Christmas as adults!

Uno, tea, creme brulee... yes, please!

Anna makes the best creme brulee, hands down.

Settling into our PJs to watch "It's a Wonderful Life."

And there you have it folks, a "Merry Christmas!" in the middle of January. I'm so thankful for the friends that Jesus has provided for me here in this new season of my life. Not only do they love the Lord like crazy, but they're a lovely source of joy, laughter, encouragement. Plus, they cook extremely well.

I hope your Christmas was lovely, and that you carry the reminder of the Gospel with you always.

Much love,

<3 a

from my corner of the café

2012-01-16T17:34:00.000-05:00

I felt the need to get out of my apartment today and get some

thoughts down, out of my head, just to help me sort things out.

Now that I’ve found a tiny table in the Frothy Monkey and

I’m surrounded by studying college students and chatter,

the smell of coffee mixing with sounds of laughter and

images of hipsters dressed in plaid button downs and thick

rimmed glasses, I have no idea where I wanted to start –

or what I wanted to voice so badly.

I’ve heard folks say that the college years are the most selfish

years of your life… mainly because everything in your life revolves

around you. What school you’re going to go to, what you’re

going to do with your life, what classes you’re going to take,

who you’re going to hang out with, what you’re going to get

involved in, or if you want to get involved with anything at all.

What decisions are you going to make concerning how to live your

life and conduct yourself, what kind of character do you want to

be known for? Are you going to choose a job that you love versus

a job that will give you financial security – are you going to be

lucky enough to have a job that encompasses both? Who are you going

to date? What kind of boyfriend or girlfriend are you going to be?

Who are you going to live with and where? Are you going to go out on Friday night or stay in because you’re exhausted – are you going

to admit that lame, but very real, excuse to your friends?

In college, you get up whenever you want to – because going to

class isn’t something your parents can make you do anymore

(unless of course, they’re paying for your education – then

they might have a little more authority over the matter). You eat

whatever you want – in fact, you can have dessert first and choose

to skip your vegetables entirely (until you realize that that’s how

you gain 15 pounds your freshman year). You can hang out with whoever

you want; do whatever you want, with no one over your shoulder

hounding you about the consequences. In fact, you’ll hate coming

home by the end of your freshmen year because you aren’t used to

parents suddenly enforcing a curfew on nightly activities.

After all, you’ve been going to bed at 3am all semester and consider yourself pretty mature and responsible, so who are they to impose

rules on you now? You’re in college.

Some of that sound familiar?

I’ll be honest: I never really hated coming home in college.

As long as my parents were supporting me financially, I never had

the guts or stupidity to tell them that I was an adult and they

couldn’t give me direction on how to run my life. On the contrary,

I liked the dependency that came with not having to graduate in a

lot of debt – and I understood that if I had the nerve to say that to Momma Corley I would be looking for a part time job and taking out

some student loans. I’d also be riding a bike everywhere – one that I would have to purchase on my own. Why? Because nearly everything

I “owned” wasn’t mine at all, but my parents. I’d be left with a few clothes and things I’d purchased with my own money, but my car wasn’t going to be one of them.

Thinking over the past 6 months of being a college graduate and transitioning into this period of adulthood, I’ve seen many

interesting things and learned (or have had my thick skull been

shown repeatedly) many lessons. Some fun, some funny – others

hard and challenging. I’ll just elaborate on two for now:

1. Selfishness and 2. Ownership.

Selfishness.

College was NOT the most selfish time of my life. I’ve never

felt more selfish than I do now. Now I have more free time than

I know what to do with, and there’s nothing easier than wasting it entirely on myself. Now I just have one roommate instead of three,

which makes it two less people to consider with my living habits

on a daily basis. Now I have a job with a steady income, which

means it’s so much easier to spend money on random impulses than

it’s ever been before – because I have it to spend. Now I have a

lot of alone time because I have such a random, abnormal schedule –

which means I can be as quite or as loud, as clean or as messy, as

active or as lazy, as my selfish little heart desires. There are

days when I don’t even have to leave my apartment at all. There’s

plenty of time to spend thinking about me. And can I just be the

first to admit that I’ve done all of those things – all of those

easy, selfish things. To the point where I’m so self-absorbed it hurts. And it’s difficult to go through an entire conversation actually

listening and investing in another person because I’m so consumed

with me – What am I going to say next? What impression do they

have of me? Me. Me. Me.

I’m so exhausted by myself.

I think there are obvious reasons why Jesus placed an emphasis on

serving and giving our lives away. Among those is the fact that

service and generosity help meet the needs of those who need provision. However, there’s a level of distrust in my heart when I think about

Jesus telling me to lay my life down. I want to cling to it. Now I’m beginning to understand what He meant when He said that those who try

to save their life will lose it, but those who lose their life for

Him will save it. Selfishness destroys. It destroys intimacy and fellowship, wrecks relationships and finances, and leads to self-pity

and loneliness. But a life that is spent considering others as better

than themselves, loving and pouring into folks, listening to and

learning from others leads to a level of freedom that you can’t

understand until you trust Jesus with your life, wasting it daily in obedience, believing that He is indeed able to guard what you’ve

entrusted to Him until the last day.

Which will lead me to lesson 2 in a bit, but first – here are a

few ways to break that pattern of selfishness:

1. Get involved. God has wired you with passions and talents

for a reason. If you feel burdened over the sex-trafficking

happening in our society today, get involved. If homelessness

weighs heavy on your heart, get involved. If orphan and widow

ministry can’t escape your thoughts, get involved. From loving

on kids in the nursery on Sunday mornings to living in an

orphanage for a year – there are areas for you to serve in,

in ways that God has already wired you for.

2. Listen more. Often we talk to each other and don’t even

listen. We might hear them, but we don’t often understand

what they’re trying to communicate. I remember one of the

first people I met in Nashville was named Trey Wince. We

were at a bible study and we were paired up to talk about

what God was doing in our lives. Trey said, “Let’s play the

listening game. So one of us will talk, and then the other

will repeat back what we heard, so we end up on the same page.”

So he would talk, and then I would go, “So what I heard was…”

This kind of “therapeutic communication” is used daily in my job

as a nurse, but very little in my personal relationships.

It doesn’t have to be that awkward or formal, but reiterating

what the person said in a conversation can make them feel valued

and heard- and you have to concentrate more on what they’re

saying as opposed to what your response is going to be.

Now onto lesson 2:

Ownership.

I find that the same rebellious attitude we tend to have with our

parents as adolescents is evident in our relationship with God

Almighty for the majority of lives. I understood very early on that

as long as my Dad was paying for things that I enjoyed and supporting

me financially, he had the authority. I understood that the privilege

of driving a car that he financially afforded and maintained for me

meant that I had to respect my end of the deal and keep my grades

up. I understood that him meeting what my scholarships didn’t cover

for school meant that I’d better go to class because I knew I couldn’t afford tuition on my own. And even though it was incredibly irritating

to hear “What time are you going to be home?” the summer after my freshman year, I quickly realized that throwing the “I’m an adult

and I can do whatever I want” card was NOT the answer to anything

but “Do you really want me to let you experience complete independence young lady?”

Why?

Because my parents owned just about everything I valued.

So why is it that I feared my parents more than I fear the

Living God when it comes to my finances and possessions? With my

time and my life? When everything I have, He owns. When even the

breath in my lungs is on loan from Him – because I have been bought

with a price. I am not my own. I can cheerfully part with 10% of my

income in obedience, but when he calls me to give more how

begrudgingly do I respond to Him? How quickly do I recognize that

HE OWNS IT ALL, so if He wanted 90% and gave me 10% to live on it

would be a gracious plenty?

Again, I think there are obvious reasons why Jesus calls us to

give and tithe. In the Old Testament, the tithe provided provision

for the priests of God’s house. In the New Testament, people didn’t

just give 10% - they gave all they had to share with one another,

and not one of the members of the early church lived in need.

In fact, Jesus was more pleased with a widow who gave all that she

had than He was with the buckets of money given by the rich, because

(I think) He’s more concerned with our level of dependency on Him

than He is on breaking the bank. He doesn’t need our tithe –

He’s the one that meets all of our needs according to His glorious

riches in Jesus. So why call us to give? Because (again, I think)

He’s after our heart, after our affection, and after trust.

Jesus is well aware that if we don’t recognize that He’s the

owner of everything and act accordingly to His lead, our

possessions will soon possess us. That which we think we own will

soon own us. That car that we wanted so badly will now have us

tied down to a monthly payment we can’t afford and insurance that

has to cover it. That smartphone now comes with a $30 chunk of

change we must pay every month just to have the chance to “stay connected.” That stock we just had to invest in will keep us up

at night when it starts to go down, and steal our sleep when it

starts to go up, because we’ll always be concerned about gaining

and losing money, and when the “right time” to sell will be.

That house that we thought we could stretch our budget to fit,

will now chain us to a mortgage we cannot afford and repairs

that will have us signing up for overtime shifts just to foot

the bill. Jesus understood that that’s not freedom at all.

This lesson is perhaps the one that has wrecked me the most

because there are so many implications, implications that cover

more than finances but all include stewardship. At the root of

the wreckage is this one question, “What does it look like to

invest in what will last with wisdom while I’m here on earth?”

Do I really want to sink a lot of money into a house that won’t

last? Do I really want to sink money into being burdened by the convenience of being constantly connected? When all of it could

go into something that will last.

Hear me quite clearly: this is not saying that having nice things

is a bad thing, nor does it mean that having an iPhone means you

have an issue with ownership. It really has nothing to do with

the stuff you have, but everything to do with your heart.

Furthermore: This post is not saying that I’ve got these things

figured out. It’s simply saying that these are the things that

I’ve been pondering lately – issues that are hitting up my heart.

Issues that have led me to take Jesus at His word and as for wisdom – trusting that He gives it freely to those who recognize that they

lack it. I do NOT have it all together.

If you made it this far into the post and actually read it, you

get total props. As always, there is a welcome to leave your

thoughts and wisdom here. I want to learn, even in the most

unconventional places, from the most unexpected sources.

Loving you all the way from my corner of the café,

<3 a

worthy investments

2012-01-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

I was talking to a very dear friend of mine a few weeks ago about how much I longed for Jesus to restore childlike faith in me. I’ve missed that passionate young girl whose heart beat for the nations to come to know Jesus as their Savior and Lord. Somewhere she got lost, her dreams were placed on the back burner, and her attention more and more fixed on “more practical matters” like work, saving her money, and setting herself up for a “comfortable” future.

I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror the other day getting ready to go out to lunch with my roommate. With my mascara wand in my hand, I realized how much I missed the girl who didn’t even know how to put concealer on her face. The girl whose average day did not include a full face of makeup because she was secure without it.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with working, being savvy with your finances, or wearing makeup. That’s not the point. The point is that none of those things will last, but they all require an investment of your time, attention and energy.

I’ve become more and more restless with myself – more and more tired of investing in the temporary. Somewhere, at some point, I stopped walking in the gracious truth that the Living God made me in His image – stitched me together with intention and beauty – and that nothing I could ever do or say could change His unconditional love for me. That He is not weak toward me, but mighty in me. That He’s pleased with me – not because of me, but because of Jesus’ righteousness that covers me. That He is not concerned with my outward appearance, but with my heart – and my heart will never be satisfied in any person, place, or thing but Him alone. And when my life is over, which it will be one day, I don’t want to be known for leaving a hefty savings account, etc. but as someone who had their eyes fixed on what is unseen. As someone who invested in the eternal.

Praise God for His faithfulness towards us. He is all about restoring, rebuilding, and healing us as He continues to make us more like Jesus. And He invites us to ask Him for things, like wisdom and willingness.

<3 a

some of my favorites

2011-12-20T14:46:00.001-05:00

Apparently, it’s really trendy to talk about healthy living tips right before we’re about to stuff our faces with amazing food. If you think about it, we spend a few months of the year just bursting with excitement at all the delicious treats we get to splurge on (maybe not you, but I do for sure!). Of course “they” would wait until that season to make me feel guilty about all that sweet, fatty food I’m planning on consuming. However, “they” have a point – a good one – and while I’m still planning on eating all kinds of treats, I do have some personal tips to share. These are foods that I’ve been incorporating into my diet the past few months, they’re quick, easy, healthy and they make my body feel incredibly well.

Here are my suggestions for your pre and post-holiday menus:

Current favorite soup: Amy’s Organic Lentil soup.

Let’s face it – nothing beats a hot bowl of soup on a cold winter day. With 8 grams of protein and 9 grams of fiber this soup will be sure to keep you feeling full for a while – and it’s only 180 calories. Combine it with a fresh side salad and you have one beautiful, tasty meal at home – or throw it in a Pyrex dish (like I often do) and take it to work with you.

Current favorite sandwich: Turkey and Avocado Mash

Don’t know what to do with that leftover turkey? In my family we make sandwiches and lots of them. So use your leftovers in a combination with fresh sprouts, tomatoes, and hummus (or avocado mash below) and stuff them in a whole wheat pita. Whole grains will help clear out some of that less-than-desirable cholesterol, lean meat is a great source of protein, sprouts and tomatoes are vegetables that add a cool crunch and fresh texture to any sandwich, and avocado is a great source of healthy fats. Rather than using unhealthy condiments, the hummus or avocado is a really great addition with more flavor. This sandwich is incredibly filling, but if it’s not enough you can combine it with some carrot sticks and you’re set!

Avocado mash: Take 1 ripe/softened avocado, salt, pepper, garlic powder, and cilantro to taste and mash. I know, complicated right? If you’ve got some lime juice and a dollop of sour cream (not so healthy, but tasty) – then go ahead and just make yourself a delicious guac dip.

Current Favorite Breakfast: Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal

When my doctor told me that I had borderline high cholesterol I was not excited. I like my butter and baking! Oatmeal is a great option for breakfast, especially if you combine it with some healthy protein – it’s bound to keep you full throughout your morning. You can use the instant stuff that’s loaded with an excessive amount sugar, or you can make your own.

I use McCann’s Quick and Easy Irish Oatmeal – it cooks in 5-7 minutes and still has a bit of crunch to it (so I don’t feel like I’m eating complete mush). While my water is heating, I’ll toss in pieces of dried, unsulfured and unsweetened apples (courtesy of Trader Joe’s), BUT when I have time to cut up fresh apples they’re the best. While the oatmeal is cooking, I add a generous amount of cinnamon and a couple dashes of allspice. 1 tsp of brown sugar will MORE than cover the sweet tooth in me, and bam: a hot breakfast in 7 minutes. If you’re like me and you need protein in the morning, scramble an egg white or two with some salt and pepper. Egg whites give you the protein without all the fat and cholesterol in a whole egg.

Favorite Vegetable: Steamed Kale with Apricots (or no apricots)

Kale is also a trendy food lately. It’s a great dark green, leafy veggie that is incredibly versatile. I toss it in a glass bowl with a bit of water, some garlic powder, pepper, and dried, unsulfured and unsweetened apricots and steam it in the microwave until it’s just barely soft. You can toss in a few chopped walnuts or almonds if you’d like for some added crunch. The apricots provide a tangy flavor. If that sounds disgusting to you, by all means the kale alone with some garlic is fabulous. It’s a great source of fiber, too!

Favorite Hot Beverage: Green Teas and Mint Teas

Enjoy your eggnog (for those of you who like it) and your hot chocolate, but before and after the holidays try some green tea. It’s no secret that it’s packed with antioxidants, but it tastes good and clean. Tea mixtures that combine green and mint teas are my favorite because the mint just boosts flavor and adds a really fresh element. Moroccan Mint Green Tea is a great option. If you MUST have your hot drinks sweet – go for a tea that has fruity tones in it – like pomegranate or blueberry green teas (which are also good cold). Cut out the sugar, or at least half of it. I’m a big fan of sugar – but I’d rather eat my sugar than drink it. I encourage you to choose your sugar wisely – eat what you really want and like, but then say no to the calories that really aren’t worth consuming.

Here’s wishing you a very Merry Christmas from Music City,

<3 a

PS: pictures of a Nashville Christmas to come – promise.

a girly time out.

2011-12-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things about our apartment is our gas fireplace. Sometimes I wish it was wood-burning, but the fact that it emits heat is a lovely one. I only mention this because, at the moment, I’m cuddled up by it writing this post.

About a month ago I came home to find my roommate trying on one of my scarves. It went really well with her outfit that she was modeling in the full length hall mirror. She turned around quickly and said something to the extent that she was going to ask me before she borrowed it, wanted to see if it matched well first, and that she just treated me like her sister. All of it was fine with me – I’m still learning how the whole sister-thing-you-can-borrow-my-clothes thing works (you don’t get much practice growing up with brothers). This memory sticks with me only because the conversation that followed it centered on insecurity and the nasty habit of comparison.

My roommate – I’ll brag on her for a bit – is one of the most beautiful women I know. I mean, she’s physically stunning and incredibly petite. Cute as a button with super long eyelashes that she knows how to bat just right, she is the definition of Southern charm. Not only is she physically beautiful, but she’s off-the-charts intelligent, has a work ethic to rival any entrepreneur, and her roots grow deep in her faith. She can make anyone fat with her cooking, but sticks to an exercise regimen that would rank on the Biggest Loser. She’s not perfect, but it’s easy to forget that she’s human sometimes.

As I’m confessing this insecurity to her – letting her into a very vulnerable place – she confessed feeling a very similar way in another relationship. It was ironic, strangely comforting, and another example of how prevalent insecurity is.

Insecurity is like an oppressive pressure that bears down on me and prevents me from living in freedom. I’ve spent a very long time living in a shadow of insecurity – comparing myself to folks who are thinner, smarter, more likeable, more talented, confident, etc… I mean, the list can really go on and on. It’s exhausting – and it just turns into a downward spiral – a spiral that I don’t think I’m alone in. If my hunch is right, this temptation to compare ourselves to others is a shared one among humans. There will ALWAYS be someone better than you – and ALWAYS someone that isn’t where you’re at yet. Comparison either lands you in two places (in my opinion) – you get a false sense of failure or a false sense of justification. Either you can’t measure up, or you think you’re okay on your own. Neither is really accurate because the standard is holiness.

My roommate, as amazing as she is, is not the standard I should be looking at. Neither am I for someone else. Do I learn from her? Absolutely. Are there things in her life that I can implement in my own? Yes. That’s why I’m so thankful to have her in my life! That’s one of the many beautiful aspects of community. But never, for a second, are people to be our standard.

Jesus is the standard. And praise God for the Gospel, because He did what I could never accomplish. “God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.” (2 Corinthians 5:21)

Insecurity is an ugly black hole – it’ll suck the joy and confidence right out of my life if I let it – which is why I need to remind myself daily of the Gospel. God loves me with an everlasting, complete, and mind-blowing love – not because of how great I am – but because of who He is. In His love and by His grace He’ll keep sanctifying me, but He’ll never compare me to His other kids, wishing I was prettier, smarter, or better in general. In fact, I’d dare say that He’s completely pleased with me just as I am.

End of the estrogen-filled post.

<3 a

a tennessee thanksgiving

2011-12-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

I suppose it’s been a bit since I’ve posted last. The truth is I haven’t been lacking in thoughts – just overwhelmed by them. Trying to sort through the ones that might be worth putting on the internet has been more of a chore than a joy – and so I thought I’d post pictures instead. For many (if not all) of us, this is our first holiday season away from home and we’re all working on the actual holidays – BUT that hasn’t stopped us from celebrating (and eating)!

We had an awesome Thanksgiving feast:

And one successful family picture...

...one epic game of pictionary...

Then there was a whirlwind trip to Carrollton - where I got to see my family for 24 hours :)

Such studs...

My ticklish cousin Cole

Uncle Bert teaching me how to shoot a gun. Never felt more Southern.

Caroline and Carlton = adorable.

Ace and Uncle Bert - always a great picture :)

In other news: the fabulous Kris Corley came to visit me - a trip which blessed my heart immensely. I joined a church. I bought a pair of shoes that actually fit (yes, ladies and gentlemen - they're a size 4 in women's). I devoured the novel The Time in Between (and highly recommend it). And I revelled in complete silence on Saturday morning.

Generally, silence makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't seek it out enough though. My spirit just craves it. There are few things more blissful than curling up in my big chair with a hot cup of tea in the stillness of the morning... with no one around, no where to be, and no (absolutely no) expectations. Nothing to live up to, nothing to compare myself to, no insecurities, no criticism, opinions, or noise at all. A literal pause.

Wishing for more of that during this season that can so easily turn chaotic and materialistic. Hope you get some :)

All my love,

<3 a

Dependency

2011-11-13T21:28:00.001-05:00

I have to say that I’m incredibly blessed. I love the fact that I have a job – I love that I enjoy my job and my coworkers. God has blessed me with family and friends who encourage me daily, and with everything I’ve ever needed/will need. Sometimes, most times, I forget to be thankful.

Recently, I got a surprising hug from one of my favorite ladies in Nashville. I got to know her by name really quickly when I moved here, and we’ve always exchanged “hellos” and “how’s your day going?” etc. Unlike the typical passing conversations, there’s been this genuine well-wishing between us whenever we see each other. When she says she hopes I have a good day, I know that she really means it… and I do too. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but when I saw her today it brought such joy to my heart. She hugged me – which, if you know me, you know that caught me off guard completely. I mentioned I hadn’t seen her in a while, and she told me she’d been away for a while.

I’ve never heard her story from her, but I have heard parts of it. Parts that make my heart want to explode because they’re so heavy. Parts that make me wish I could take some of the rougher stuff away – maybe edit it, lighten it up, etc. but I’m not the author of her story.

It’s a neat feeling when you realize that the salvation, peace, healing, and redemption you ache for someone else to have is greatly surpassed by their Maker’s desire for them to be saved, have peace, be healed and redeemed. It’s a small taste of His heart that humbles you almost immediately – because the moment you realize you can’t save, heal or redeem is the moment that you bring it before the only one who can – it’s the moment you become dependent. Just like a child coming to her perfect Father.

Abba – save. redeem. heal.

<3 a

from my kitchen to yours.

2011-10-26T11:54:00.000-04:00

Latin Chicken

This is one of my favorite dishes to make in my crockpot. Well, if I’m being honest, it’s one of the only things I use my crockpot for. I’ll get better at using this slow cooker one day, but for now I thought I’d share some delicious love. This recipe makes enough for 6 people, so feel free to adjust it to meet your liking. Personally, I make about as much, just with less chicken, and munch on it for a few days. You can always freeze some and break it out later.

What you’ll need:

A crockpot – preferably one that’s at least 6 quarts.

3 pounds of bone-in skinless chicken thighs (Dark meat will enrich the flavor and the meat will end up more tender if you use a thigh cut. Personally, I use 2 -3 large chicken breasts).

2 teaspoons of ground cumin

1 teaspoon mild curry (my own addition – it adds some spice)

½ teaspoon ground allspice

½ teaspoon cayenne pepper (my own addition)

1 cup chicken broth

1 can Rotel (I grabbed the Mexican type with peppers, lime and cilantro. Rotel is great because you can make it as spicy as you’d like)

3 cloves garlic, crushed (Let’s be real – can you have too much garlic? Add to your taste)

2 cans black beans, rinsed and drain (I make my own beans – it’s cheaper and healthier)

2 pounds sweet potatoes peeled and chunked (Generally, two large potatoes are plenty)

1 jarred roasted red pepper, cut into strips (about 1 cup)

1 lime

1/3 c loosely packed cilantro leaves, chopped (I just toss in some dry cilantro and it works great, too).

What you’ll do:

Combine ½ teaspoon of ground cumin, ¼ teaspoon of salt, ¼ teaspoon of pepper, ½ teaspoon curry and ¼ teaspoon of cayenne pepper. Sprinkle the chicken with the spice mix, rub, and then brown in a non-stick skillet until well browned on both sides. It takes about 10 minutes – don’t overdo it though – because then the chicken will be tough! Browning the outside of the chicken seals in some moisture and keeps the meat tender in the slow cooker.

Remove the skillet from heat. In a small saucepan, or the same skillet you used for the chicken, combine the rest of the spices, the chicken broth, garlic and Rotel tomatoes.

In your crockpot, throw in the beans and the sweet potatoes. Place the chicken on top and pour the broth mixture over the chicken. Top with roasted red pepper. You can even squeeze ½-1 lime over the mixture to add in a citrus kick. Cover with the lid and cook on high for 4 hours or on low for 8 hours.

Top with cilantro and serve.

This dish is full of protein, beta carotene, and fiber. It’s super flavorful, and after 15 minutes of prep work you can have your dinner cook while you go about your day. It’s great to serve with some tortilla chips and homemade guac, too! You could even skip the chicken and go vegetarian by adding some garbanzo beans and more tomatoes/peppers.

Happy Wednesday.

<3 a

a homeless man and his dog: a lesson of expectation

2011-10-19T23:31:00.004-04:00

When he saw Peter and John about to go into the temple, he began asking to receive alms. ⁴ But Peter,
along with John, fixed his gaze on him and said, “Look at us!” ⁵ And he began to give them his
attention, expecting to receive something from them.

-Acts 3:3-5

Obviously, I’m going to start off by encouraging you to read the entire text of Acts 3 – and the story continues in chapter 4 as well. But I want to pause on these three verses for a moment, because a few things struck me this morning as I was reading about the early church.

This man clearly asked to receive alms from Peter and John – in fact, he was carried to a certain gate each morning for the sole purpose of begging for alms from those passing by to pray. It makes sense then, that when Peter and John give him attention, he would expect to receive something from them.

So a few quick things that popped up with this passage for me today:

1. The man asked. We are called to do the same. In fact, Jesus says, “"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” –Matthew 7:7

2. He didn’t just ask for alms – he asked to receive alms. I love that. I know there are different translations of Scripture, but I love that NASB includes that infinitive “to receive.” The majority of the time, I don’t need something new, I just need help to receive that which has already been given to me.

3. He expected to receive something from Peter and John. He asked “to receive alms” and “expected to receive something.” How often do I ask with expectation? Even further, when I ask and Jesus responds to me, how often do I give him my attention, expecting to receive something from him?

There are quite a few homeless folks here in this city. They stand on street corners and sell papers for a dollar. They typically occupy the same corner, so you get to see familiar faces on certain streets as you drive through Nashville. One of my favorite parts of my morning is when I get off the interstate on exit 1 to West End Ave. There’s a man there with a full salt and pepper beard, leathery skin, and light eyes. Standing nearby him is a stray dog – and to this day, I’m not sure who adopted whom in their couplet, but I love them together. The man holds up the paper and waves to each car, saying things like, “Good Morning!” I’ll never forget, the first time I saw someone give him a dollar was on a sunny morning, and he turned to his dog and started jumping with joy – holding up the crinkled bill above his head – with the pup barking and leaping with him. From that day, I started trying to carry dollar bills with me more often. I’ve never read the paper, but I love it when he runs out of them – then he hands out cool pamphlets – like one day, he had love letters from the Civil War.

The notion of begging for something and yet not expecting to receive it seems incredibly foolish to me. Yet, on some level, I do it all the time with the Lord. When I’m not careful, I forget that Jesus will never harm me. I can ask – whether it be for something, or just for help receiving what He’s already given – with full expectation to receive something from Him that’s best. I wonder if my excitement when Jesus responds to me comes from a root of worship or surprise/shock. I’m almost always more surprised by his grace and faithfulness than I am thankful for it. My surprise almost always comes from a place sprinkled with a little bit of unbelief – I am more surprised by his goodness because part of me was in a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mind set. To be honest, I don’t think that’s asking with expectation, nor is it trusting in God’s character and His heart toward me.

He says clearly, “Ask and it will be given to you.” So friends, the challenge is to trust that He will keep His word. May we ask with the expectation to receive something from Him – something for our good – and may our response be one of thankfulness rather than faithlessness.

Much love from this eclectic city,
<3 a

breaking down and building up

2011-10-05T19:06:00.000-04:00

There are a few people in my life who know how to relax. My brother, Patton, is one of them. I’ve always envied his ability to kick back and take it easy – I wondered if he ever got stressed about anything at all, and then one day I saw him start to sweat over something. It took me back a bit. He quickly returned to his rather laid back self. Patton and I have a lot of things in common, but the ability to relax and rest is not one of those things. In fact, in the area of stress and I am completely uptight and he’s never been wound up at all.

I had today off, and I’d been contemplating a rather big change with my hairstyle, so I went to my first ever hair appointment (in my memory anyways). My mother has always cut and styled my hair, and she’s ridiculously good at making it look good. I asked a local coworker where she got her hair done, and she pointed me in the direction of a really great salon. I walked in and it smelled anything like my kitchen. I sat in a twirling chair and my stylist, Carly, showed me a few bottles of oil that they use in their complimentary head/shoulder massage. I chose the first one, and she went to work on the knots of stored tension in my muscles. I couldn’t even relax during that because I couldn’t get over how embarrassingly tight I was! Then she washed my hair – the combination of the shampoo and oil created this tingling sensation all over my head and neck – I was in heaven.

My preceptor told me this week, “Alex, if you start stressed – you’ll end stressed.” Anita is wise beyond her 29 spunky years, and she was right. I gave whoever holds the most frustrating employee award a run for his money that shift, letting my pride and feistiness rebel against that quiet voice calling me to trust Him. For the fourth time over these past seven days, I left work with a very heavy realization of the depth of my arrogance in the light of God’s grace and faithfulness.

My sister Lexi posted a very true, but weighty saying on her Facebook profile recently. Essentially, it said this – “You exist right now because God wills that you exist.” That hit me with an impact that knocked the breath out of my lungs. I was spiritually winded. Because the truth is, I exist right now – with air in my lungs, blood coursing through my veins, fingers typing at this computer sitting on a little blue desk in Nashville on this fall day in October – solely because the Living God wants me here. I drove home sobbing Sunday night, because I had a hopeless woman weep before me in incredible brokenness and confess that she believed God hated her. Maybe no one else knows the extent of my junk – the ugliness of my heart and the impurity of my thoughts – but I do. I wept for her, I wept because I wanted so badly for her to be prayed over by someone, anyone who had it more together than I did. I wept because she was stuck with me – not out of self-pity but over my hypocrisy – and I wept because God, in His extensive grace, used me to comfort her and pray over her in spite of my mess.

The truth is, my inability to relax physically at a hair salon is rooted in my inability to throw my entire weight into the arms of the Living God. Worry is me trying to figure out what to do to save myself, rather than trusting Jesus for my deliverance – a nugget of wisdom that I can’t take credit for, but for which I can thank Joyce Meyer. I feel like I’m sitting in an uncomfortable wooden, straight back chair before God, rather than jumping into a bean bag… the chair being a self-righteous, performance driven mentality while the bean bag a comfortable envelope of grace and mercy.

You know you’re in a war when you don’t want to spend time in the Word – not because you don’t want to spend time with God, but because you know that what He’s leading you to read is completely convicting in your current attitude and circumstance. Every morning I’ve wanted to turn back to a “light and fluffy” Psalm instead of to Romans – but there’s a pull like the ocean tide drawing me into Paul’s letter – into the truth of the Gospel. You also know your perspective is skewed when you find the Psalms “light and fluffy.” J

I hope that you leave this post encouraged (if you made it this far). I hope that this is an honest picture of where I’m at right now, without being overly negative or hypocritical. I hope you see the fibers of God’s grace running through this as the foundation for the tapestry He’s weaving in me. It has been an incredibly painful, but much sweeter, few months of transition for me. I fear only giving you the heavy parts and forsaking the lighter – as though my life sucks and God isn’t showing up at all – or giving you nothing but daisies and roses as though I have life all figured out with no struggles whatsoever. On the contrary, I hope you see that God is replacing and rebuilding the parts of me that He’s been breaking down with pieces of Himself. Grace and humility are the mortar to these bricks of truth – and it’s not an overnight project.

Much love,

<3 a

PS: pictures of new hair to come…

practical

2011-09-27T22:05:00.000-04:00

Some of my friends introduced me to this wonderful place called McKay’s Used Bookstore. Its full of stacks and stacks of books, movies, music, and TV series like Alias. I’m currently on Season 2 and enjoying some loose leaf Moroccan Mint green tea courtesy of my new, lime green, French press.

This week hasn’t felt as overwhelming as the last two. Time almost seems to be going too slowly, but I suppose I should enjoy it. I feel a little restless, but I have a few art projects in mind that should be relatively inexpensive to make. I’ve also been experimenting with some new recipes, and I’m excited to try a few more.

I’ve been living off of vegetarian chili and guacamole (not together) this week. It’s not uncommon for me to toss fresh baby spinach into my breakfast smoothies, but this week I combined it with Kiwi and had a tongue-tingling green breakfast. My coworkers were a bit grossed out, but it was so good. Today I made Cream-Cheese Filled Sweet Potato muffins. They weren’t as successful as I’d hoped, BUT I have a few changes in mind for next time. I decided that when I have kids I want to try and make my own baby food. It was easy and kind of fun prepping the sweet potatoes today. One of my coworkers gave me her recipe for homemade Chinese dumplings. That’s next on the list.

Working weekends has its pros and cons. Pros – you have 4 marvelous days off in a row, there are never long lines at the grocery store, and you can almost always find a free treadmill at the gym in the middle of the day…and you get paid more. Cons – you’re not exactly on the same social schedule as everyone else, and your days get all mixed up. This is my second day of four off and I’m already struggling with things to occupy my time for the next two days without spending money… the current lack of creativity is incredibly annoying.

To be quite frank, my life is currently boring and at times lonely. It comes with the transition – relationships take time to develop in a new place and new stage of life. So, while this post is very disjointed and while my blog has been mostly about food recently, I can see the Lord drawing me close to Him and closer to others. He has blessed me. He has blessed me. He has blessed me and I am learning to be thankful.

A verse that has been heavy on my heart, convicting in its context, has been James 1:27 – “Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit the orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” (Taken out of context this can sound legalistic and performance driven – but I’ll leave you to look up the passage).

There are about 225 million professing Christians living in America today.
There are almost ½ million children in the US in need of a loving home. Of those, about 130,000 of these children can be adopted immediately.

Stats from UNICEF:

o In Central and Eastern Europe alone, almost 1.5 million children live in public care

o In Russia, the annual number of ‘children left without parental care’ has more than doubled over the last 10 years, despite falling birth rates.

o Conflict has orphaned or separated 1 million children from their families in the 1990s.

o An estimated two to five per cent of the refugee population are unaccompanied children.

o An estimated 143 million children are orphaned by one or both parents. (‘Children on the Brink 2004. A Joint Report of New Orphan Estimates and a Framework for Action. UNICEF/UNAIDS/USAID. July 2004).

o The number of children orphaned by HIV/AIDS is expected to jump to more than 25 million. In 12 African countries, projections show that orphans will comprise at least 15 per cent of all children under 15 years of age by 2010.

These statistics do not include children who have been sold or trafficked, nor do they reflect the portrait of orphans living in countries who fail to report orphan statistics. I think it’s easy to get distracted and overwhelmed with numbers… which is where I’ve been for a while. It’s harder to live with when you realize these are real kids. Caring for orphans and widows is not a special calling reserved for certain individuals – it’s a command and invitation to put my faith in action. I have no idea what that looks like right now in my life, but I do know that I want to live a life that makes sense. A life that lines up with what I believe. A life that reflects the Gospel.

All my love from this Tennessee state,

<3 a

seasons

2011-09-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

This past week was noisy. I found myself exhausted, busy, and furiously moving about in a fog. Even my days off were packed with getting things done on my to-do list. I came home to an empty apartment which, by the end of the week, was stifling. I enjoy spending time by myself, but when it’s on my own terms. It’s why I like coffee shops – I can be alone without being isolated. The apartment just feels different when Adrienne is home, even though there are nights that we barely speak to one another because we’re so tired or on opposite schedules.

This has been a hard week. Frustrating to the core. Full of confusion, doubt, and at times fear. I feel like I’ve buried myself under work to the point where I don’t quite remember who I am. I sat in church this morning and realized just how quickly and how extensively I had forgotten key elements of what I say I believe. The reality of Jesus coming back one day was like a cool splash of water on my face – the realization that I hadn’t thought about that truth in a while stung. I feel so disoriented – I spent the drive home today just asking Jesus to wake me up. All of this self-focus/self-absorption has me feeling completely confused and lost. Let’s just say I’ve eaten a LOT of cake this week…

I know that this is a season. As the summer is turning into fall, my heart is taking it all in. I’m in a place where I’m so excited for fall – for the leaves to change colors and for the cooler weather to set in over these mountains. At the same time, I love the green of summer. I love how the grey rock faces make the green trees pop out on my drive home every day. I find it ironic that my favorite – Autumn - is a season in which everything is dying. It’s a season of transition – of saying goodbye to summer and welcoming winter. It’s in the transition that beauty is most strikingly evident. I’m learning to welcome each season in my own life as it comes…and trying to be content in each without rushing onto the next.

I find myself wanting a deeper, more intimate, more real relationship with Jesus. I’m frustrated with my lack of faith and perspective, and yet I’m comforted by His promise to complete the good work that He started in me. I’m consistently coming up against His question, “Do you trust me?” and if I’m being honest, it’s a constant struggle to say, “Yes” and walk in that answer… but He’s faithful.

Thankful for grace.

All my love from Nashville,

PS: I’ve got a TN license plate now… more signs of adulthood. J

one of my favorites....

2011-09-09T21:15:00.000-04:00

While I’m on a recipe kick, I thought I would share with you one of my favorite dinners. Every now and then I change it up with the seasoning, but this meal definitely sums up my typical dinner fare. It’s easy, quick, and very healthy… not to mention tasty (I think anyways). Let’s start with the protein…

Baked Salmon

Depending on how many folks you’re feeding, this will vary. I generally do 1-2 fillets at a time so that I can have leftovers later in the week. Planning to do 1 fillet per person is usually a good amount. You can do fresh, but I hit Sam’s Club and get a bag of frozen salmon fillets. If you’re lucky, they’ll have wild salmon fillets – those are the best. It’s not going to be cheap up front, but one bag will last you for a while, especially if it’s just you and/or two of you eating off of it.

If it’s frozen, take your fish out and thaw it. If you want to stay on top of things, throw a fillet or two in the fridge before you leave for work in the morning. If you’re like me and you don’t get home till late, throw the frozen fish in a bowl of water and it’ll be thawed in no time. I wouldn’t recommend defrosting it in the microwave, because it can cook in funky places and be tough.

What you’ll need:

· Salmon

· One lemon cut in half (pop it in the microwave for about 5-10 seconds then roll the lemon in between your hands to release more of the juice) **this is optional**

· Olive oil (I usually do 1 tsp per fillet)

· Your favorite seasoning/herbs or you can use a marinate (like Teriyaki sauce.. but that’s for another dish at another time)

· A paint brush (optional, but it makes coating the fish easy)

Preheat your oven to 350F. Coat your fish in olive oil and squeeze one half of the fresh lemon over the top. I love McCormick’s Montreal Chicken seasoning on this – or their Mediterranean Sea Salt spice mix. If you want to use what you like (I like oregano, red pepper, garlic, pepper, salt and citrus flavors). Cover the fish with the spices and pop it in the oven for 15-20 minutes until it flakes with a fork.

The Veggies

I really like green beans and squash with salmon…mainly because they don’t overpower the fish. Vegetables can be hard to incorporate into your diet, and so make it easy…

I grabbed some fresh yellow squash at a local Farmer’s market for super cheap, and I grabbed a bag of frozen green beans for about $1 at the grocery store. Frozen vegetables are great because they’re cheap, and they‘re sealed with a lot of their nutrients.

Get a microwave safe bowl and throw in the vegetables. (If it’s just one or two of you, a large cereal bowl will work for portioning). Season with garlic, pepper, and salt. Add about a teaspoon of water to the bowl and cover it with cling wrap. Using a fork, stab a few holes in the top of the plastic wrap and pop it into the microwave for about 3-4 minutes. This steams your vegetables really quickly and it can be a lot cheaper than buying the steam-in-the-bag brands.

The Potatoes

One large potato is probably enough for 2 people, but if it’s just you I like to use a smaller potato. It doesn’t matter the kind – yellow, russet, baking – they’re all good. The thinner you cut the potato, the faster it will cook! Leave the skin on for extra fiber, but make sure you scrub them good before you eat them. If you’re in a hurry, slice the potatoes very thin and toss them in a Tupperware container or a plastic storage bag. Use ½ tsp of olive oil (or melted butter) per serving. Toss in some rosemary and thyme (or another seasoning if you prefer). Seal the bag or container and shake away (this is great if you’re babysitting because the kids can help). When the potatoes are coated evenly, throw them on a baking sheet (or I use a sheet of tinfoil for easy cleaning) and bake at about 350-400F for 15-30 minutes (depending on how thick you cut them).

During the fall/winter time, you can swap potatoes out for different squashes – I really like butternut squash. Cut the squash up into chunks and substitute it for potatoes – it’s a great way to get more vegetables, and butternut is high in great vitamins J

Dinner tonight took me about 20 minutes and the clean-up consisted of three dishes and one cutting board.

Love from Nashville,

a recipe for you...

2011-09-05T09:39:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but I crave sugar. If it's chocolate and in the form of a cake, brownie, or ice cream, I'll take it. I really think it's an addiction - everyday around 4pm the cravings hit and I need a fix. I was telling my preceptor about it and she asked me if I was getting enough protein in my diet. I told her I probably wasn't. I eat a lot of fruit and veggies, and whole grains - but I rarely eat meat or good sources of protein outside of the occassional serving of beans or peanut butter. She told me that I could be craving sugar so badly because I'm not getting enough protein - cravings usually key you into the fact that you may not be getting what your body needs. I thought it was interesting, and she told me her secret is adding protein powder to smoothies. I took her advice 1. because I like smoothies, and 2. because I wanted to see if adding protein would help with my dessert cravings. So here is a quick and easy recipe for the smoothie I made this morning for breakfast - it tastes fabulous, has a lot of protein and even some fiber in it :)

Peanut Butter Bananna Smoothie

Ingredients:

1 large banana (about 7-8 inches long) frozen (I break it into four pieces cause it blends faster)

1/2 tablespoon of honey

1 tablespoon of Naturally More peanut butter (This is a great peanut butter - it has an extra kick of protein AND flax seeds in it - so you get a kick of fiber too!)

1 cup of unsweetened almond milk (AlmondBreeze is my favorite, but Silk's brand is good too and has fewer calories)

1 scoop of whey protein powder (I used Publix's Greenwise Vanilla Whey protein powder - mainly because they didn't have unflavored powder at the store, but it's good - I like it).

Blend that junk together and enjoy it :) It makes a fairly large smoothie, so you can split it in half and enjoy the rest later.

Nutrition breakdown: 1 serving: about 367 calories; 10g Fat; 15mg Cholesterol; 274mg Sodium; 47g Carbs; 7g Fiber, 24g Protein; 26g Sugar (you can decrease the sugar greatly by leaving out the honey, especially if you get vanilla flavored protein powder because it's already sweetened).

<3 a

hullo september!

2011-09-04T23:06:00.002-04:00

She stands at 4’11’’ with her wavy hair dyed red and pulled back into pigtails. She walks with purpose, and she walks quickly with a bit of a bounce in her step. She walks into the room and switches from English to fluent Spanish. Her intuition is sharp, her knowledge base broad, and her taste buds constantly experiencing new flavors with her diverse snacking habits. She’s my preceptor, and I’ve really enjoyed every minute working with her.

I just finished my first week of orientation on the unit, and technically started my second week today. I’m enjoying my job and my coworkers. I’ve started taking on multiple patients, so it’s been good and challenging as I’m learning how to organize my day. My preceptor has been great at graciously reminding me of things I’ve forgotten. It’s also fun because there’ve been a few (few being key) times where I’ve finished a task before she's told me to do it– I feel like a kid getting a gold star… It's like elementary school all over again :)

One of the most enjoyable part of my job so far has been teaching. I work in an area that’s full of transition and life change…transition and life change that I have no personal experience in. I can’t imagine taking home a baby and trying to remember all of the information they threw at me in the hospital. That’s going to be one funny/scary/sweet moment whenever it happens for me, as I’m sure it is for each of my patient’s in their own unique circumstances. I love having patients for more than one shift in a row. I like going into their room, sitting down, and talking through things with them. I like it when I can answer their questions and help them with their concerns.

In other news, I’ve got a pretty nasty cold. I’m blessed because I was still well enough to work this weekend and I have the next four days off, but I’d appreciate prayers for healing J I’ve also been struggling with putting my faith in God’s faithfulness rather than in myself, my confidence/feelings/faithfulness. I’m so prone to forget, wander, and put my faith in my ability to cling to the Lord – when in reality; my salvation is dependent solely upon His work on the cross – on His word. He has done it. He has rescued. He has made me complete in Him. He has declared me righteous, has adopted me as His kid, has fully forgiven me and freed me from past/present/future sin… He holds me. I keep feeling as though I’m constantly struggling to grasp Him and grab hold of Him – to feel Him/hear Him/consistently “feel” secure in my walk with Him that I forget that He never lets go. I end up trying to convince myself of truth – like if I say something enough, trying to feel it, then that makes it truer. While preaching truth to yourself is healthy and necessary – the actual preaching doesn’t change whether or not it’s true. It’s true because it’s true. It stands whether you feel secure in it or confident about it. It doesn’t change, move, or alter just because you might or your feelings might. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I’ve been struggling to accept and rest in His Word – receiving it as complete grace and truth without trying to complicate it, earn it, or alter it – and then walking forward in obedience rooted in that grace and love. I suppose everyone struggles with it – but when you tend to see everyone else’s “highlight reel” in light of your own behind-the-scenes, it’s easy to feel alone in your struggling. If this hits in a familiar spot, take heart that you’re not alone.

In other news, I might get to go home for a few days in October/November, and I’m pretty excited about the potential mini-vacation. I’m loving it here, but I miss Hannah’s hugs, Panera lunches with my dad, and popcorn/wine/TV time with my mom. I also miss my sweet coffee times with some awesome now-college freshmen and my hilarious brothers.

Fall is almost here. Football season has begun. And I got a new blender/food processor this week. In the small things and the larger ones, I am one blessed woman.

All my love from Nashville,
a
PS: here's a glimpse of my life in Nashville thus far:

We went to see Romeo and Juliet in a local park...

Meet Anna and her husband Sasha - not only are they awesome, but they've introduced me to some fabulous desserts, tasty teas, and tasty stuffed peppers.

Sarah, Pete and Katelyn in the park - they're so fun and always full of joy.

Anna, Adrienne, and I relaxing in the park

One of the best productions of Romeo and Juliet I've ever seen. It's never been my favorite play, but this cast did a phenomenal job and we had so much fun!

Of course we had to take pictures of our very first day of work...

My beautiful roommate and dear friend... she is such a blessing.

oh mondays....

2011-08-30T15:34:00.000-04:00

since our internet went out yesterday, this is a late posting of Monday's blog:
Well, it’s official. I am now a RN on VUMC’s post-partum floor!!! I’m so happy to have a home unit, a more routine schedule, and a great job on day shift. My managers and my nurse educator are wonderful, and I’m excited to be working with other girls from my residency “cohort.” While I’m excited, I think it would be misleading to say that I felt this excited when I got my assignment.

Of the entire Women’s Health group, all of us chose a particular unit for our “first choice.” Of course, not everyone could be placed on that unit – so half of us knew we would be placed with another team. All of the teams were great, so it’s not like you would be placed in an unbearable position. That being said, I was still disappointed that I didn’t get my “first choice” when I read my initial assignment. Then I remembered what I had been praying these past few days – and that tinge of disappointment began to not sting so badly.

I was on the phone with a friend a few days ago, and it struck me at how very differently our lives had turned out. Both of us never imagined that we would be where we are today, and yet God’s faithfulness has been so evident in our lives. It is clear that He has brought each of us to where we are today in His sovereignty and by His grace. Though I never saw any of this coming, I am so blessed that my Father knows me better than I know myself. In everything, He has orchestrated all things, circumstances, and relationships for my good and for His glory – most of the time in spite of me.

Here are some prayers that He has answered just in getting my assignment:

1. My prayer would be that He would place me in the unit that would be best for me, whether or not that was my first choice. Check.

2. My holiday schedule coincides with my family’s holiday schedule – I’m scheduled to have even years of Thanksgiving off, so I can see my beloved family and celebrate with them. It’s my favorite time of the year.

3. I’ll be working on day shift – which is such a blessing as my immune system struggles during night shift rotations. It also makes it easier to change to nights if I want to down the road.

4. The nurses on post-partum work so well together. I’ve never heard them gossip or tear each other down. I’m excited to work on a unit where the team encourages one another.

I don’t know where this hits you. Maybe you’re in a place where everything is going your way and life is great. Praise Him. Maybe you’re in a place where you didn’t get what you wanted or expected, and it’s harder to find the positives in your situation. Friend, I say this coming from a place of learning – praise Him. It’s hard, and I rarely get it right, but it’s how we learn to trust His wisdom over our own. Maybe you’re in a position full of indecision and uncertainty – rest assured, He knows you completely and will provide for you, meeting all of your needs out of His glorious riches in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Again, I’m learning – one step forward, a few leaps backwards – but He who called us is faithful to keep us.

<3 a

ps: speaking of learning, last night i learned what a "margarona" was... whoever invented it was creative enough to toss in a Corona upside down into a margarita. how did i learn this? celebrating birthdays and friendships at a local Mexican restaurant. i'm thankful for friendly faces.

in the trenches

2011-08-22T00:38:00.000-04:00

It’s amazing how a relatively chill thing can implode with a single, seemingly insignificant trigger. After tossing and turning in bed for almost an hour, I find myself here – munching on saltines, in the quite of my apartment, trying to figure out how I got here.

I’m angry – but why? Anger is rarely a primary emotion. I’m hurt – but by what? and why such a strong reaction to something so ordinary? I’d like to let it go, but every time it comes back around my defenses go right back up. I see the toll – I feel it. It’s heavy and cold – the kind of weight that makes you not want to come around anymore. I can blame, point fingers, and list off a million things that contributed to this wedge – but I’m responsible, too. I’ve wounded and broken, too. And while everything in me wants to scream out, “BUT”, none of the protesting will fix anything at all.

I want peace, but I’ve been unwilling to lay down my arms. I want to love, but I’ve let resentment take root in the soil of unmet expectations. I want to forgive, but I’ve clung stubbornly to my pride and self-righteousness. All the good that I want to do I don’t – while what I don’t want to do, I do. I know I’m not alone in that.

That Jesus might open my eyes to how much I’ve been forgiven – that He might open my eyes to see as He sees. That He might soften my heart and teach me to receive His grace and mercy. That it might overflow into my relationships. That He might draw me closer and closer to Himself, that I might hear and heed His whisper to come to Him, and to lay these burdens at His feet. To take on His yoke – for it is easy and light. To trust that His commands are for my good and His glory, and that His grace is sufficient for my every need, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. That restoration and healing would happen in this place – so that everyone may know that our God alone restores and reestablishes that which has been broken.

<3 a

six weeks

2011-08-19T23:44:00.000-04:00

It’s Friday night and I’m settled into my couch with a glass of Pinot Noir and Lars and the Real Girl. Dinner was an improvised form of ziti and dessert came in the form of a Ben and Jerry’s container with a spoon…let it be known that I didn’t eat the entire pint J That would be too cliché. Earlier today I balanced and budgeted finances (sorta), met some friends from college at a local coffee shop (such a blessing), and ran some errands. I bought a dress I didn’t budget for, and spent money I didn’t need to on a set of wine glasses and some Indian spices (recipes to experiment with and share will come, I promise). Right now, in this moment, my life seems pathetically ordinary, boring maybe, but sweet.

I came home from work Thursday night completely ecstatic. My last day of rotation was by far my favorite, and not just because it was on L&D. My preceptor was incredible, my patient delivered a healthy baby like a champ, and I didn’t stop or eat lunch until 3:30pm. I walked out of the hospital having worked a half hour later than I was supposed to, but I was too thrilled to care. Whether or not I’m placed on L&D, I’m one blessed woman and I like my job so far.

I spoke with Mama John on the phone today. I love me some Mama John. We’ve played phone tag for about two weeks, and her voicemails have a way of warming and breaking my heart all at the same time. Warm because I have the love of such an incredible elder and broken because she’s afraid I’ll forget her. I wish she knew how impossible that would be – I’ve adopted her as my grandmother for a while now. She asked me if I’d met anyone “exciting.” She mentioned waiting for a phone call one day from me saying, “I’m married!” As I sit here with my glass of wine, I have to smile – what do I know about dating? She told me things like, “You have plenty of time” (in a way that didn’t make me uncomfortable in my singleness) and “I love you” and “I pray over you, that you might know the hope that you have in Christ Jesus, and the peace and joy of Jesus – hope that does not disappoint” and she always says “Bye-bye darlin’” when she hangs up the phone.

I’ve been living in Nashville now for 6 weeks now – six weeks of an emotional roller coaster. Six weeks of insane highs followed by incredible lows. Six weeks full of richness, laughter, loneliness, and tears – moments of sheer bliss followed by moments of utter frustration. There have been moments of raw vulnerability and confession, followed by moments of stubborn and obstinate pride. As awful as an emotional rollercoaster sounds (and is), it has been a beautifully challenging six weeks.

Simplicity has become somewhat of a theme over these past few weeks. The reality that life is complicated can’t be denied. However, as the weeks have rolled on, I’ve felt this incredible desire for simplicity in my walk with Jesus. Things just don’t seem so complicated with Him – they seem hard, but straight forward: Come to me. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Pray for your enemies. Take care of the widow and the orphan. Feed the hungry. Clothe and care for the “least of these.” Go. Make disciples. Teach. Obey. Rest. Trust. In other words – “Come to me – bring all of you, the good, bad and ugly, and rest in my love. When you come to me in confession, it draws you closer to me and deeper into the reality of my grace. These resources I’ve blessed you with – use them to bless others. I mean what I’ve said in My Word.” While the application may get a little complicated, the reality that my faith is and should be practically lived out is a place where I want to dwell. What I’m finding is that it’s freeing to take Jesus at His word. There’s freedom in confession. Freedom in feeding the hungry. Freedom in loving the widow. Freedom in obedience.

Forgive the random post.
<3 a

from yesterday...

2011-08-14T09:55:00.000-04:00

Today was one of those slow Saturdays – I slept in really late because my time clock was off from working nights. Having not slept but 3 hours the day before, I woke up from nice 11 hour slumber and stayed in bed for an hour just getting acquainted with the day. My roommate and her parents had gone car shopping earlier that morning, and so I had the whole apartment to myself. I did a few easy chores, watched a bit of The Patriot (always a favorite of Mel Gibson’s films), made some breakfast (at 1pm) and took it easy before meeting an old friend for coffee.
On my way to get coffee (which neither of us really drink), I got incredibly lost and wound up in East Nashville. There was this really cute festival that blocked off a couple streets in Five Points. Taylor met me there and we wandered around for a bit before settling into a corner table in a nearby coffee shop.

One of the things that I’ve loved about Nashville so far has been the culture. I’ve seen so many different kinds of people with vastly different styles, smells, languages, and ways about them. From the super wealthy to the poorest poor – it feels like a Southern melting pot that I never saw back home in South Carolina. I’m not really a city person, but I love the vibrant differences and quirks I’ve seen here so far – especially on the East side of town.

There is a scene in The Patriot that struck me today and almost brought me to tears. When he comes home from battle, he greets his little girl and she runs from him. Before leaving again for war, his daughter won’t speak to him at all – and all he wants is for her to say goodbye to him. As he walks away, the girl breaks into tears and runs after him – begging him not to go. He says that he’ll come back, and asks her if she believes him. Not to spiritualize the movie, but it made me think - I wonder how it feels when I do the same thing to Jesus.

How often have I run from His presence?

How often has He asked me to speak with Him and I’ve remained silent?

Chesed – it’s that unrelenting pursuit and love that He has for me. How often do I embrace it, rest in it, trust it?

Monday marked my one month anniversary in this new place. It has been incredibly challenging to process with the busy-ness of work. I’m ready to be through with rotations and assigned to a unit. I’m ready for some semblance of a routine that might open up avenues to having a life outside of the hospital. It’s been incredibly hard some days, but this whole time has been such a sweet reminder of how blessed I am and how gracious my God is. I feel like I’m constantly missing the mark, but all the more reminded and challenged to trust His word and faithfulness, rather than in my feelings or perspectives. I’m so thankful for His patience with me.

<3 a

something for your taste buds...

2011-08-02T22:13:00.000-04:00

I was recently blessed with a scholarship from some lovely nurses through the SC Baptist Hospital Nurses Alumnae Association. Along with the scholarship, they gave me a copy of their cook book. Full of tasty sounding recipes - I endeavored to attempt a Red Velvet Cake again. My first attempt was a disasterous effort - and I will never use that online recipe again :)
This recipe is from Mrs. Clara Thomas - she also makes an incredible Italian Cream Cake (which is next on the list).

Red Velvet Cake

Cake:

1 c butter (at room temperature) 2 c sugar

3 eggs (room temperature)                                                                         1 T vinegar
2 T cocoa                                                                                                              2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda                                                                                             ½ tsp salt
½ tsp baking powder                                                                                      1 c buttermilk
3 c all purpose flour                                                                                         2 oz red food coloring

Cream butter with sugar in mixing bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Mix the food coloring and cocoa together in a paste; add to the mixing bowl. Add vanilla. Pour buttermilk into the cup that contained the cocoa paste and stir to get all of the coloring. Add the baking soda to the buttermilk. In a separate bowl, add the salt and baking powder to the sifted flour. Alternate adding the flour mixture and the buttermilk into the mixing bowl. Then add the vinegar. Beat well. Grease and flour 3 9-inch cake pans. Line the bottom of cake pans with parchment paper (or waxed paper). Divide batter into the pans and bake at 325F for 25-30 minutes or until done.

Cream Cheese Icing

1 8 oz pkg cream cheese
1 stick butter 1 box confectioner’s sugar
1 tsp vanilla 1 c chopped nuts (optional)

Beat cheese and margarine until well blended and fluffy. Add sugar. Mix well. Add vanilla (and nuts) until smooth. Spread on layers and sides.

I hope you enjoy it :) Love from Nashville...

<3 a

for my good.

2011-07-25T21:25:00.000-04:00

It’s been a bit since I’ve last posted, so I thought I should catch up. Today we had a lecture on stress management – and even though I’ve heard this all before, it helps to hear it again. These past three weeks have been stressful – a lot of transition, a lot of frustration, a lot of fatigue, a lot of fun, a lot of goodness… a lot of mixed emotions and experiences. My heart is in such a little upheaval that I’m not sure what to say or how to communicate what’s been going on in my life. My posts are rarely, if ever, organized – but this one will noticeably be a rambling one. I’m sorry to the grammatically gifted who may be reading this…

My first week of work went really well. I parked in the right parking garage the first time, found my floor with no major upset, clocked in on time, and began my first rotation for residency. I had a wonderful preceptor and patients from all kinds of cultures, backgrounds, and stories. There are times when my heart aches to be overseas – I’ve made rice and beans so many times these past two weeks because I miss Costa Rica. I miss Ecuador – the people, the landscape, the culture. That being said, it’s been such a blessing to realize that I can still minister to the nations even in an American city – although, I think they blessed my heart more than they realized. My first week went really smoothly, and Friday morning I headed to the airport at the crack of dawn to catch my first solo flight back home.

I managed to find the airport with no worries – my GPS has become a fast friend. I parked in the long term lot and managed to follow another (seemingly more experienced) traveller to the terminal and caught my plane on time. I sat next to a young woman from Florida in the very back row of the airplane. She had on very high heels and looked very put together – I was wearing my trusty Keens and my brother’s sweatshirt. Our flight was delayed a bit, which means we both had to run to catch our connections in Memphis. She asked me if I could grab her bag so she could get a different pair of shoes on – I had to smile when she pulled out silver, sparkly plastic flip flops. She was running in style as we lugged our bags through the Memphis airport. As I was running I was reminded of the last time I’d been in the Memphis airport – the summer of 2006 – running to catch my flight home. I caught this one like I caught the last one and made it to Charlotte safely (good thing too, cause I was at the exit seat and none of us wanted to see if I could handle the responsibility that came with it J). My mom was waiting for me – my favorite sight of the week.

David and Susan GIBSON are now officially married! You can’t help get excited when you witness something so pure and purposed as their wedding. I was so blessed to celebrate with them – and genuinely celebrate. When you get to see a couple like Susan and David get married, there’s nothing negative to be thought or said – you’re reminded of the Gospel – and you get really excited about heaven.

After nearly missing my flight the next morning in Charlotte – I made it back to Nashville and my car by the grace of Jesus and mom’s skillful driving. The second week of work started and I had my first experience with night shift. I learned a lot last week – and though it took me a few days to recover from a sketchy sleep pattern, I enjoyed the people I worked with and my patients.

Last night I made myself go back to church. I wanted to go – but I knew that I would be going alone. It’s very easy for me to talk myself out of going places when I know I’m going to feel a little awkward, new, and out of place. The church is a good drive away from me, and so it gave me some time to talk to Jesus – confessing my fear of man, as I was embarrassingly nervous. I walked into the cool gymnasium and took a seat in the back. During the “greeting” time I got to meet a few more faces – one asked me if I was from Nashville, and when I told him I’d just moved, he welcomed me and talked with me for a few minutes. It was simple. Nothing big or brilliant – but it put me more at ease. As we worshipped, I was reminded of how God is Father – I can crawl up into his lap and sing to him as though it’s just the two of us. Fear of man cripples worship. Confession was incredibly convicting – maybe it’s a Presbyterian thing, but they do this time of confession in which a leader reads a statement of confession and you reflect on it and take time to spend with the Lord. The first statement went something like, “For the times we’ve selfishly focused on our need for friendship but have been unwilling to extend it.” Here I am – in a room of family, united in Jesus – and I’m unwilling to offer or extend friendship because I’m afraid and not “at home” here. But church is not a building, and that gym was no one’s home. I’m a member of the body – called to act as a member of the body – regardless of where I am. Fear of man cripples community and intimacy.

Interestingly enough, the topic was on community last night.

Today I woke up feeling rushed. I was really stressed and anxious, as though I had something big happening today, but there was nothing to merit such an awful feeling. I went to work and found that there was a mistake with my paycheck. I’m most likely going to have to switch residencies and move everything over to TN – a reality that I’ve been trying to avoid for the first few months to see if I really want to stay here or not. I ended up staring at the screen of my laptop this afternoon in frustration and depression. My throat started to close and tears started to pool behind my eyelids. I ended up in the fetal position, clinging to Binky, and trying to hold back an ocean.

Switching residencies is more than just the financial inconvenience that I really don’t want to expend – and that I couldn’t spare before Friday. There’s this false sense of security in staying connected to my home and family – a window of denial when I can pretend that I’m not on my own so far away. Like Binky, it’s been a bit of a security blanket. The truth is – it’s just a technicality. It’s not like I can never move back home. I can, just like I could before – it would just involve more effort into switching everything back again – but it can be done. The truth is – I’m still living hours from home whether the tags on my car say SC or TN. It sounds so stupid letting this out – but it was the crack that unleashed the dam today. While I love my job and I’m enjoying meeting new people and getting accustomed to my new surroundings, I miss home with a huge ache in my heart. I miss coming into my house and hearing my brothers calling each other by first syllable nicknames. I miss my dad’s obnoxious singing as he praises his own beauty every morning. I miss watching TV with my mom at night, munching on her popcorn and stealing sips of her drink. I miss my stinky, hairy dogs – the way that the stretch and crinkle up their faces while wagging their tales as they come up to greet you. They don’t care how awful you’ve behaved or how great you think you’ve been during the day – they just love to have their head rubbed. I miss that dirt road, and driving passed fields of green, spotted with cows. I miss the blessing of friendship and the luxury of the familiar.

That being confessed – I know that this is for my good and for my growth. God, in His goodness and remarkable faithfulness, has been slowly stripping and peeling away all that keeps me from un-fractured unity with him. As this third week continues, as this season progresses, I crave your prayers. He who called me is faithful to keep me.

<3 a

Day 1

2011-07-11T22:16:00.000-04:00

Sunday afternoon I started to get a little nervous. My friend Lauren had invited me to go to church with her and have dinner with her family later that evening, and the thought of meeting new people made my tummy turn. As outgoing as I can be, I’m rather shy and being in new surroundings with people I don’t know isn’t my favorite thing in the world. I almost backed out, but something told me to suck it up and go. So I went.

I managed to find Lauren’s house rather easily – my GPS has been a great blessing. After a quick tour of her house, we headed to the 5:30 service. As soon as we got out of the car, she was introducing me to folks. The first few minutes were like a daze – I struggled to remember all of their names – but everyone was so friendly and welcoming. The service started with an acoustic worship set – and most of the songs were new to me, which was strange but beautiful – the lyrics were so good. The speaker got up and brought the Word in such a clear and practical manner – it was challenging, funny, convicting and encouraging all at the same time. My favorite part was a time of confession before communion – I’d never been a part of something like that before, and I really, really liked it. The night ended with meeting more friendly faces. It was so, so refreshing.

Today was the first day of work. I’m officially a licensed registered nurse. I have a badge, with my pictures and “RN, BSN” behind my name. The “new kid” feeling still hasn’t worn off. Today began with me parking in the wrong parking garage – but that little mistake was caught and I ended up meeting another resident who had made the same mistake. Today was full of tiny reminders that I am not alone. I met so many people today and I loved it – I’m excited to get to know the girls in my track more. The faculty and staff have been so enthusiastic and supportive – I know they’ll challenge me and I’m excited to grow.

Tomorrow is my second day of orientation and I start clinical rotations on Wednesday. I’m still a bit afraid of jumping into the clinical setting, but so far there has been a sweet sense of peace. I actually slept well for the first time last night.

Verses that I’ve been praying over and wanting to be real in my life:

Philippians 2:1-12 (NASB)

"Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, ² make my joy completeby being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. ³Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; ⁴ do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. ⁵ Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. ⁸ Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ⁹ For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, ¹⁰ so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, ¹¹ and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ isLord, to the glory of God the Father. ¹² So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation withfear and trembling; ..."

Still asking and craving your prayers. I’m one blessed woman.
<3 a

Welcome to Tennessee...

2011-07-09T22:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I rolled out of bed and into my little, white Honda Civic. With my sister Hannah beside me and my family packed into the Suburban attached to a U-HAUL, we hit the road headed for Nashville. An hour into the drive, Hannah and I were dying to get out of the car… and we had 7 hours more to go. We stopped in Clemson to pick up some furniture and it was a bit bittersweet driving passed my favorite coffee shop and my old apartment.

It was Cow Appreciation day at Chic-Fil-A apparently – everyone in the place was dressed up like a cow to get free food. Out of place and eager to get to our destination, we dived into lunch during our drive.

We arrived to my new apartment and had a few surprises greeting us. The next few hours were overwhelming, frustrating, and maddening, but good at the same time. We grabbed dinner from a fabulous local Mexican restaurant and chatted with a few college friends from Nashville, blew up the air mattresses, and hit the bed.

I tossed and turned for forever in my tiny twin bed and new room. I was tired, so tired, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I passed out sometime after midnight, but my eyes popped open at 6am. I gave up on trying to go back to sleep about 30 minutes later, and had a few minutes with Jesus before everyone woke up.

CS Lewis once said, “Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms.”

This thought echoed in my head this morning. The night before I had taken up arms in frustration and anger – and I had a million valid reasons as to why I was justified in doing so. As I poured out my frustration and hurt before the Lord, the truth was a clarifying moment and a tough pill to swallow. You be Jesus and let Me be God.

The day followed by exploring the area around my apartment – budgeting is going to be so hard with so many of my favorite stores a couple miles from my new home. Target, World Market, and Publix are just some of the shops nearby. My parents were wonderful and generous and my brothers were incredibly flexible today. We borrowed a hammer from some delivery guys and put together some furniture and then the dreaded goodbye came.

In some ways it wasn’t so bad – because I’ll be home next weekend for a wedding. Still, there was that sinking feeling knowing that I was going to be by myself in a foreign place.

Dad cried. Mom snapped a few pictures. We all hugged and then said goodbye.

Jesus it’s just me and you.

I managed to amuse myself for a bit and then my doorbell rang (yes, I have a doorbell!). I had to grab the step stool to look through our peep-hole, but it was just black. Something to add to that list of broken things, I thought. I opened the door to my family – all holding Starbucks cups. They drove back to pray for me.

I cried. Dad cried more. It was so incredible to have them come back and pray for me, pray for my roommate and over our apartment.

I went grocery shopping – washed some dishes – made dinner and poured a large glass of wine – washed more dishes – cleaned the bathroom – took a nice shower – and tuned into a movie.

Here are a few things I’ve learned about TN in the 30 hours I’ve been here:

1. There is an entire section of BBQ sauces at my local Walmart but no hummus, and only one type of Teriyaki sauce.

2. There’s a little girl who lives upstairs. She has a Barbie bike right outside my front door. I’m excited to get to know my neighbors.

3. People move a lot slower here. They walk slow and talk slow. I feel like I have a sign on my forehead that says, “I’m a new kid.” As I moved quickly through the stores, I felt like a Yankee on a mission, not a girl who’s lived in the South all of her life.

Today was a good day. The encouragement, prayers, and truth spoken over me by close friends and family have been so appreciated and welcomed. Even in this empty apartment, I’m not alone.

I start work Monday. Prayers craved. He provides all that I need.

<3 a

rhythm

2011-06-20T19:23:00.000-04:00

rhythm.
ocean waves roll in as the moon holds the tide captive
a gentle crescendo, building and breaking down.
rhythm.
as restless as i feel, i cannot move from this place
building and breaking down
you're like the moon.

the equipping

2011-06-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading through the Old Testament, slowly but steadily, and I'm currently in Exodus. For the past few chapters, God's been giving Moses all of these instructions on how to build His house. From the curtains, to the altars, to the priests' clothing, God gives incredibly detailed instructions to Moses about how Israel is to build his house AND what each element in the tent of meeting is to be used for. To be honest, most of it goes over my head - the measurements and designs are hard to relate to, and the different types of sacrifices are overwhelming to keep up with. However, one thing struck me today as I was finishing up chapter 31.
"Now the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 'See, I have called by name Bezalel, the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God in wisdom, in understanding, in knowledge, and in all kinds of craftsmanship.....And behold, I Myself have appointed with him Oholiab... and in the hearts of all who are skillful I have put skill, that they may make all that I have commanded you.'" (see Exodus 31:1-11)

Chapters and chapters of instructions and details - over and over again words such as "holy" and "consecrated" are used - the God of the universe telling you how to build His dwelling place among you - no pressure, right? Right. Bezalel, Oholiab, Moses and all of Israel didn't have to worry about whether or not this tent of meeting could be build correctly - the Lord assured them that He had given them all the skill needed to accomplish the task.

It might be embarrassing to admit, but I was studying yesterday and suddenly frozen in fear. I couldn't decide if I was more afraid of failing NCLEX or of passing - my mind became a battleground and all of these "what if" thoughts began to swirl in my head. "What if I make a mistake?" "What if I don't remember any of this when I get to work?" "What if they regret hiring me?" "What if I hate it?" "What if I'm no good at this?" I had gone from taking a simple practice test to a state of internal panic in a split second. Closing my eyes, I had to remind myself that I'd be okay, that this was irrational, and I had to pray. I've noticed that nothing gives Satan a foothold in my life like unconfessed fear. Not only is fear not of the Lord, but when I'm not honest about it with Him, I hold it in. The longer I hold in my fear, the easier it is for Satan to use it to speak lies and whisper doubts - much like he did yesterday during that practice test.
I've grown up hearing, "God doesn't always call the equipped, but He always equips the called." Today, the Lord gently put His finger on that place of fear and worry in my heart - fear over boards, fear over being a nurse, that wish that I had chosen a safer career. When you realize that people will trust you with their lives, and with the lives of those they love most - to make decisions concerning their health, to be on your game with your assessment skills, to prevent and catch errors before they're made, it's quite easy for me to feel overwhelmed and forget that God always provides and has good plans for me.

I guess my point is that whatever the Lord has called us to, He will equip us for. Notice the order - the Lord gives Moses a ton of details and commands (I would have had to take some notes) and then He tells Moses who He's called and how He's equipped them. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed with the calling and lose sight of the One who called me. He is "I AM."

oh, the prayers that we pray....

2011-06-03T00:02:00.000-04:00

I'll be honest - I haven't posted in a while. Partly because my life has been a bit hectic, but mainly because I haven't felt much like writing.

I have so much to be thankful for, excited about, and hopeful of - but the attitude of my heart and mind has (quite frankly) sucked recently. I've been praying that the Lord would sanctify me (that's always a fun one), but also that He would wake me up to who He is - His character, His heart, how incredibly big and sovereign He is - because I've put Him into such a small box.

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but there are times in my life where I know that I'm not where I want to be - when I know better. I'm so stubborn. Anyways, there are times when the Holy Spirit (I'm giving Him credit as He's the Helper) just brings to mind things I've learn or heard before.... for example: when I'm worried (which has been an almost constant state lately) about whether or not I'll be a competent nurse or adult, when I'm worried about being lonely in a new city, the lovely phrase "When Jesus is all you have, you realize that He is all you need" rings in my ears. Lately, I've been quoting Psalm 23 to myself a lot - "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want... He leads me... He guides me... He makes me... He restores...He prepares...He's with me...He comforts me..." I want to get so deep into these truths and just rest in Him, in faith and with full assurance.

He's slowly and steadily answering that prayer for sanctification - even my mom smiled at me (in a moment of frustration) and admitted she had been praying the same thing for me. It's nice to have a mother who's honest with you. He's also putting His finger on things in my heart and mind that are getting harder and harder to ignore. What I would rather bend, He wants to break and renew.

In other news:

I graduated from college.
I went to France with my mom for a week - pictures and stories to come soon :)
I'm preparing for NCLEX (trying to - I crave your prayers on June 14th as I take it - pray for supernatural peace, wisdom and provision).
I have a Nashville address.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite pictures from Paris....

<3a

justice, victory, and politics

2011-05-02T23:23:00.000-04:00

I logged onto Facebook last night to find my homepage covered with status updates about Osama bin Laden's death...I quickly turned on the T.V. (because the media on television is always more accurate than Facebook, right?). Sure enough - this man who has become such an elusive icon of violence and terrorism was dead, and the U.S. had his body to prove it.

Three things before I continue:
1. I'm incredibly grateful to live in America, and I'm even more grateful that men and women are willing to protect us in the armed forces.
2. I'm not pro or anti war - I see and understand the reasons for it, and the reasons to avoid it - so when I say what I'm about to say, I'm not taking political sides, or saying I'm ungrateful for men and women who protect us... I'm not taking a side on it.. mainly because it wouldn't help anything if I did...partly because I'm tired of hearing folks argue about it.
3. These are just thoughts as I process... I'm not an authority and there's a great chance I'm incorrect in my thinking. Take this as a disclaimer. Now I'll move on...

I won't lie - initially, I was glad to hear the news. It made the war seem a bit more worth it - knowing that this manhunt was finally over. I wasn't jumping up and down - actually, I was trying to kill a roach in our living room (they move in when you leave your door open all day). I think I had more of the 24 kind of thoughts running through my head - like bin Laden would really still be alive and the body was a look-a-like (too many spy movies and soap operas, I know)... but then it occurred to me that someone was dead. Words like "victory" and "justice" were spoken, followed by phrases like "God bless America." Whatever relief I felt was quickly met with confusion, and questions.
- Am I insensitive, or unpatriotic, or ungrateful to be sad over the death of a terrorist and violent, morally deficient man?
- Is this really a victory?
- What does true justice look like - was this it?
- Am I ungrateful or unpatriotic if when hearing "God Bless America" in this situation makes me a little uneasy?

I've read a lot of posts, statuses, and listened to a lot of opinions on this topic since last night. Some I agree with, others I don't. In processing my thoughts about it (which is what this post is - processing), I've got a couple thoughts...

1. I think it's okay to be glad that there will be one less terrorist terrorizing and torturing people. I don't mean glad as in - let's go celebrate with our American flags and gloat about it - I just mean, I think it's okay to find the joy in knowing that he won't hurt another person again. Things that he planned and participated in were horrific to say the least, and he'll never harm another human being again...I think that's good. I think that God is Sovereign, and He always works for His glory. He has instituted earthly government in complete sovereignty. If justice is equated with carrying out fair actions, than "a life for a life" seems just. Justice says that I deserve death because of my sin - the Gospel says that God, in His mercy, sent Jesus to pay for my sin - and that only through faith in His death and resurrection - am I justified from my sin. God is both merciful and just - always. His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts - which is why I struggle sometimes reading the Old Testament. There are times when God seems to just wipe out people groups at random - BUT I don't believe it was without purpose. I believe He's good. I believe that He is good and that He pursues us - He wants to bring us into a saving relationship with Him - but I think there's a point (who knows when that is) when we reject Him one too many times. Apart from the justification of Christ Jesus, we're held accountable to a law and standard of holiness that we could never maintain - and a just ruling by the law is death.

2. I think it's okay to be sad. I climbed into bed with my head full of thoughts last night, and I realized that God doesn't view my sin as any better or worse than this terrorist. There's no hierarchy of sin. No one sin hurts God's heart less than another, and no mistake hurts his heart worse than another - Sin is sin. My sin put the Son of God on a cross just as much as bin Laden's did. I really believe that Jesus died for him with as much love and grace and intention that he had for me and you. This might sound a bit much - but if Jesus equated lust with adultery, and hatred with murder - then can we really say that we're better than this man? Self-righteousness rose in me like crazy - how could God really love a terrorist just as much as He loves me? But the truth is - He loves me because He is love, not because of who I am or what I do (or don't do, or don't do most of the time) - and I believe He loved bin Laden, not because of what bin Laden did or because his actions didn't break God's heart - but because He is love. It's okay to be sad that bin Laden is dead because he will spend eternity separated from Holy God - and before you say, "he deserves it" - you must acknowledge that you and I do too.

3. I get a bit nervous when we say things like "God bless America" and here's why:

*It's not that I don't want God to bless my country - I do. I think He has - abundantly and graciously - blessed us. I just think we've turned from Him and gone our own way as a country. God graciously blesses us because He sees fit to do so, but I really think our arrogance as a nation will catch up to us. It's His kindness that's meant to lead us to repentance - but I feel like we're just a bunch of spoiled children who run up to Him, take the blessing, and abuse His grace at will. We come to Him when things are bad, but we just come because we want what He can give us - not because we want Him. It's not just America - it's people. I do that. I do that all the time.
*I think when I hear "God bless America" it's generally in the context of asking God to bless us more than another country or people - or in the context of "We're better than you" as though we have God on our side and they don't. As though He loves us more and He doesn't care for them at all. Do I want God to bless my country? Yes. Do I want Him to bless other nations? Yes. Why? because I want their eyes to be open to grace - just like I want my eyes to be open to grace - and just like I want my country's eyes to be open to grace.
*Sometimes when I hear "God bless America" it's in the context of wanting Him to bless us because we think we've done something great as a nation and we deserve it. I think it's a dangerous trap to get into personally and corporately as a nation. When I approach the throne of God with my "report card", and point to what I think is a great grade and ask/demand Him to bless me for it - I'm on dangerous ground. I don't know how well it goes over with God Almighty when we come before Him in a spirit of entitlement. Does He bless those who seek Him, who ask for blessing, who obey Him? Yes, according to His wisdom and will. Has He blessed me when I've least deserved it? Yes, according to His grace and mercy. I might be wrong in this, but part of me thinks that if I come before God demanding to be blessed for my performance, it might be in my best interest to check the attitude of my heart.

As far as war is concerned, I'll leave you with these words from Paul:
                          "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers,
                         against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness
                                  in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that
                         you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."
                                                                                                      - Ephesians 6:12-13

As far as victory is concerned, I'll leave you with this: Christ has died. Christ is risen. Christ will come again.

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gracious uncertainty

2011-04-29T23:52:00.002-04:00

Prepare yourself for a scatterbrained post...
Today was a day of firsts for me:
1. First time watching a royal wedding; embarassingly fascinated with two total strangers.
2. First time begging a man not to tow a car - first time getting my car towed.
3. First time celebrating graduation/jobs with Rachel and Adrienne

In other news:
Sometimes I wonder if I really ever learn...if I really ever "get" it - whatever "it" might be. It's incredibly frustrating. Here's a common lesson, a simple lesson, that's been on repeat for a while:

My faith cannot be in my faith. My faith must be in the faithfulness of my God.
My belief cannot be in my level/feeling of belief or what I believe about God. My belief must be in God Himself.

I'm not sure how it's going - but I feel like I'm not the brightest student.

In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald talked today about "Gracious Uncertainty" - about how when we have completely surrendered everything to the Lord, we can be certain only of God Himself (His Word, His promises, His character). Everything else in our life exists in a state of gracious uncertainty because we are completely abandoned to the Lord - and though we don't know what He has for us, we know who He is and we can rest solely in Him. He also talks about the lesson I mentioned above. I want this to be true of me, true of my relationship with the Lord. That I am at home in gracious uncertainty - because I am certain of God Himself.

I was talking to Quintin, one of the Nav leaders in Clemson, tonight about finances. He works at a bank and was telling me all kinds of things about budgeting - which, as boring as it sounds, was really awesome and helpful. After our conversation, I was walking back inside and it hit me that I was really beginning to make decisions I had never thought of making on my own. I don't think I really planned on being in a committed relationship or engaged, but I do think I grew up sorta thinking it would happen at this point in my life (it might be a girl thing, it might be a southern thing). Now that I'm here, I'm really okay being single - I can't imagine my life differently. It was just a thought that came - quickly and in a little bit of a "Wow" tone - that I was thinking about the next step in my life without really leaving room, or waiting, for a relationship. That tiny surge of "confidence" about growing up was followed by that "oh crap, adulthood" thought.

A bit later, I found myself in a conversation that I had successfully avoided for an entire year. Though the topic had weighed heavy on my heart the past few months, I had recently resigned myself to drop it. For those of you that know me, you know that I'm generally incredibly outspoken and am often too blunt. However, as bold and as courageous as I would like to be, I generally wimp out when it comes to conversations like this. As much as I've played out exactly what I would say if I could muster up the confidence, I'm quick to keep quiet. Then it happened - it came out of left field - and it was met with fumbling and stuttering like you wouldn't believe. No one has ever beat around the bush so ungracefully. With my head still spinning, I drove home thinking about gracious uncertainty, amid other things. While I'm still processing, I know that this is true: while what I hoped for was good, greater things are yet to come.

Do I feel uncertain? Yes...so many things are in the air and trying to juggle them can be overwhelming, if not impossible. While my first impulse is to become anxious, that's not of the Lord at all. Regardless of my feelings, my Father is faithful, sovereign, and good...of His character, I can certainly rest assured. I do not walk alone.

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PS: I'm moving here in July....

chesed

2011-04-07T16:56:00.003-04:00

Chesed, or "Hesed" is a Hebrew word used often in the Old Testament in reference to the Lord's love for Israel. To be completely honest, it can't even be properly translated into English because we have no words to do it justice. From what I've learned, Chesed is a relational term - it describes God's covenant love between Himself and Israel. Though Israel constantly disobeyed and failed on their end of the bargain, the Lord was (and has always remained) faithful to His end. Chesed is a beautiful word - because it embodies all grace, mercy, compassion, kindness and faithfulness as it describes the pursuing love of a Holy God jealous for His chosen people.

So what?

I was standing in a trauma bay recently- trying desperately not to pass out - as I watched young people come into the hospital from a bad accident. A few thoughts crossed my mind initially: 1. Why in heaven's name do they keep these trauma bays SO hot?? (I know the answer, but working in 87 F is NOT fun) and 2. This could have easily been my brothers last fall.

I noticed another nursing student standing in the corner on the other side of the room. Our main goal was to stay out of the way! We looked at each other and smiled - knowing that we were in the same boat - as we watched the team work. I felt sick and hot, and I knew that I was pale as a sheet... over the past year, I've quickly been able to recognize when I'm about to hit the floor. I began to pray for my patient as they worked. When word got to us that the family had arrived, I went with the nurse to talk to them. In a daze, I realized that this could have easily been my family a few months ago. I continued to pray, even harder when I realized that one parent had "given up" on the Lord.

It's easy for me to despair in situations like this - when a kid is dead, when a patient may never walk again, and when another is screaming from a room down the hall. It's easy for me to lose hope and wonder, honestly, how God is both sovereign and good at the same time. It's easy for me, in situations like this, to listen to lies from the enemy and become anxious. For now, I choose to believe and firmly hold onto Chesed, and it's close partner "Charis" (grace).

There are a few things that I know:
1. I deserve nothing but hell, and anything short of hell - be it "good" or "bad" is evidence of God's grace towards me.
2. I could be wrong, but I'm beginning to see from Genesis, how the knowledge of "good" and "evil" was never "intended" to be mine - man chose that when we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So I refer back to #1. (Genesis 2:15-16; Genesis 3; Genesis 3:21 NASB)
3. Nothing separates my family, or anyone else, from those involved in this event. It's not a matter of whether God loved one family more than another, or whether there was any kind of "luck" involved - each situation in our lives happens with the sole purpose of displaying God's glory (ex: John 9:1-3). If God was most glorified in my life through a "bad" situation, then I'm sure I would experience it. I don't think He shows partiality. And I might add, God works for His glory and our good simultaneously - one never contradicts or negates the other.
4. God's grace is overwhelming - my patient has a long way to go - but by the end of the day, the Lord was already working in his body physically and (continue to pray) in his family spiritually.

The anger, grief, and confusion I witnessed in this circumstance was all too familiar to me. I've had my fair share of anger towards the Lord - moments when I wanted to walk away completely - but as I continue to get older, He continues to show me just how completely He loves - and how He relentlessly pursues us in love (Chesed). I'm so quick to label circumstances as "awful," "bad," "impossible," OR "good," "awesome," and "favorable." When, in all reality, "This is the day that the Lord has made" and I must "rejoice and be glad in it." Because, at the end of the day - it's His grace (Charis) and His unrelenting, unconditional love (Chesed) that hold me fast.

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Gracias!

2011-03-27T15:39:00.002-04:00

Hello Family!

I just wanted to thank you for your prayers and support throughout my adventure to Ecuador. I wish that each of you could see how the Lord used you while we were caring for the Shuar Indians right now, but I know that you will get to meet many of them on the other side of the cross. For now, here are some stories and pictures to serve as a reminder of just how good our God is and how blessed it is to pour out our lives before Him:
This girl was 20 years old. Seven years ago a tree fell on her home killing two of her brothers and seriously injuring her arm. Her first surgery resulted in a large keloid that fused her arm together for the past seven years. Through the help of a gracious doctor, we were able to surgically correct her arm in an OR at the local Red Cross. With physical therapy, we expect her to recover full function of her arm!

Before Surgery

Our "OR"

Those would be recycled Gatorade bottles

Adrienne and I with our patient and her mom after surgery

During our second clinical day we were able to remove oral cancer from a man’s mouth. While handing out worming medications to the school children, I noticed a speck in one girl’s eye that looked abnormal. One of the most difficult moments of the trip was hearing that it was “melanoma until ruled out.” She was referred to a specialist and will hopefully receive the treatment she needs. Please continue to pray for her!

Medical station

Pastor Miller and the school children at the evangelism station

Some of the local kids - they loved having their picture taken

My first wound debridement - this little boy was hit by a truck. He was a trooper!

It was amazing to see the Lord provide. We landed in Ecuador only to have the majority of our medications confiscated in the airport due to a miscommunication. We left that night wondering how we were going to do clinics with no antibiotics, no vitamins, no medications except for some antihistamines! There was a peace that I had never felt before, just waiting to see how God would provide. It turns out, most of the medicine was replaced from a closet in the mission house and we were able to purchase more adult antibiotics. We had medicine for the entire week of clinics! Our God is so good!

Outside of clinics, it was amazing to see the Lord moving in the hearts of my team members. On our last night, one of the guys from the team was hanging out with me and the only other student believers I know on our team. He had so many questions about what we believed, why we believed it, and why we lived the way we did. God is definitely moving in his heart.

Our pre-cable car expressions

A famous waterfall

Hiking back to the bus on clinical day 3

Why yes - I am holding the head of a boa constrictor and smiling

Incision and Drainage (I&D) of a breast abscess. Maybe that's an airplane blanket we "borrowed" from Delta.

One of many active volcanoes

The week was full of hard work, heartbreak, joy, peace and frustration, but it was also full of fun. We were able to see the Amazon river, go on a cable car ride, see plenty of volcanoes and work deep in the heart of the jungle. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for you. I hope you know how much God used your prayers and your financial support for His glory this week. Lives were changed. People crossed over from death to life in Jesus. The church grew in number and in strength. People were healed.

Crossing the Amazon on a sketch bridge

The creepiest pig I've ever seen in a toy store in Macas

In the jungle, if the road isn't wide enough, you make it wider with your machete.

During the many bus rides, I spent some time in prayer. I wanted to know what my motivation was for wanting to work overseas, what my purpose was, and what kept nagging at me that I couldn't put a finger on. I realized that I had not been loving the Lord with all of my heart, all of my mind, and all of my strength. I was missing out on that abundant life, that intimacy with Jesus – I was tired of complacency. Two days later, I asked Brother Guillermo to share his testimony with me. He spoke about a time in his life where he decided to love Jesus with everything. He said two things that struck me, having no idea what God had been teaching me that week. One I will leave with you, “The difference between traditional Christianity and having abundant life is accepting the invitation to go on a great adventure of faith with Jesus everyday.” You have played a crucial role in this great adventure of faith in Ecuador. My prayer for us is that we would continue each day loving Jesus with everything, accepting His invitation of living a life of adventure in faith with Him.

There will be many more posts, with many more stories later.

<3 a

leaving on a jet plane.....

2011-03-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

....headed to the Amazon jungle!

In 24 hours I will be leaving Clemson and headed towards Atlanta, where I'll be getting on a plane and flying straight to Quito, Ecuador. From Quito, we'll eventually end up in Macas where we'll be setting up clinics in surrounding areas for the week. I'm super excited and a bit nervous, but I can't wait to see how the trip goes. God is so good, and so great. I know that He has some big things in store for us as we go - but I crave your prayers!

Ways you can pray:

* Our Team
        -Unity! We're coming from all over and we'll meet each other in Atlanta. Pray for unity as we get to know each other and dive into ministry together.
        -Flexibility - We've got no idea what we're walking into but Jesus does - pray for flexible attitudes as we juggle crazy schedules, travel fatigue, etc.
        -Health - Several of our team members are coming with health issues - severe allergies, etc. that can be exacerbated in the jungle. Pray for our health and that God's strength would be perfected in our weakness
        -Freedom from anxiety, fear, and stress!
        - Time to press into Jesus - to play "hide and seek" with Him as we pursue deeper intimacy
        -Wisdom and discernment as we care for folks - and that God would MULTIPLY our resources as we encounter need!
*Shuar Indians
        - These are the lovely people we'll be working with in Ecuador! We'll come with our medicine, vitamins, etc. but there is only one thing that I have that will make them whole and give them life - and that's Jesus. Please pray for healing, salvation, and encouragement over the Shuar Indians. Pray that we would be humble and teachable - as God has much to teach us. Pray that lives would begin and that hearts would be made new as folks come to know Jesus as their Lord, Savior and Healer.

Above all - pray that God would be most glorified.

Here are a few pics as we get ready to leave:

I certainly won't go hungry in the airport - or lack medicine

This is Flat Stanley - Adrienne's 2nd grade cousin sent him to us to take to Ecuador. He's delivering toothbrushes that will go to the Shuar Indians.

Mom came to help me pack! I love her.

This is what I woke up to this morning - my lovely roommate made me breakfast to start spring break off on the right foot!

The pancake queen!

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peace of Christ

2011-03-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

Peace is some thing that I've never really understood or felt often in my life. Since I can remember, I have always been an anxious and fearful person. There is no rationale behind it, I'm just not naturally peaceful. I've been reading through John (one of my favorite books in Scripture) just to get to know Jesus better. Over the past few days, I've been reading about His peace (John 14-16 are the passages I've covered this week). How different His peace is - how He doesn't give His peace to us like the world gives peace. How He tells us all of what He talks about in these chapters so that we'll have peace. Our source of peace is in Him. How He tells us to take heart in the midst of the troubles in the world.

My freshman year of college I visited this church in downtown Clemson known as DCF (Downtown Community Fellowship). Coming from a Baptist background where everyone says "Hello" and shakes your hand during a greeting time, I was not prepared for the "Passing the Peace" at DCF. People began hugging me and saying things like, "Peace of Christ to you." I looked like a deer caught in headlights. That was my first experience at DCF but not my last. I grew to understand it, and it became less weird to me. This past Sunday, I visited DCF again with my roommate. As the service went on, it was like Jesus just began to talk to me about His peace - and what it means for me that He is my peace.

I realized that I am completely terrified to be alone for a period of time in the Lord's presence. It has so much to do with my view of God and how twisted it is. God is not angry with me or disappointed in me like I think that He is. He's not that way at all. As I began to just confess to the Lord why I was so afraid to be in His presence - to be so exposed before a Holy God - I began to realize what His peace means. Jesus is my peace - His blood covers me completely, and fully satisfies God's wrath over my sin. I am completely forgiven and God no longer holds my sin against me - though it happens so frequently - because Jesus paid for it in full (past, present, and future sin). When Jesus says that He's my peace - it means that I can now approach the throne of God confidently to find grace in my time of need without fear or shame, because God sees Christ over me. When Jesus says He gives His peace to us not as the world gives peace - it means that His peace is eternal and unchanging - it is not dependent upon my feelings towards it or the circumstances surrounding it.

Lately walking with the Lord has been a few baby steps forward and a giant leap backwards, as He continues to teach me and exercise my faith - working out all of my doubts and misconceptions. As I continue to struggle with hard questions and bring these doubts before the Lord, I'm beginning to see that hanging around for the answer doesn't have to be a fearful experience. That conviction and sanctification hurt, but they don't distance or separate me from the Lord - they bring me closer to Him. He has begun to break down walls in my heart brick by brick, with the first brick being a clarification of His peace and the implications of His peace in my life. In the midst of anxiety, fatigue, uncertainty and chaos I have an immovable Rock who is for me, not against me. That's comforting.
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slow mornings

2011-03-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of weeks my sleep schedule has had a mind of its own. I'm usually up around three, six, and then very awake by seven am. I like not having to set an alarm on most days, especially on my days off. There's something so peaceful about waking up to the sound of rain, or birds (or both depending on the time) and being able to stay in bed for a bit. There's no rushing, no stress - just this quiet stillness that surrounds you as you're nestled in sheets. You just get to meet the day.

This is probably my favorite part of the day. It's not because I like being awake more than I like sleeping, but because I get to have a few minutes just to pray before I get up. Before the day gets too crazy, before I encounter trialing circumstances or surprise upsets, and before I hear any type of news, both good and bad, I have a minute to just talk to my Maker.

Most of the time He hears groaning - in fact, I didn't speak for the first 20 minutes of being awake in the morning during high school. Every "Good Morning!" was met with a "Ughrrah" and a yawn. Still, there's something quite honest about the time I spend half praying/half snoozing.

I've been thinking about my struggle with perfectionism lately. I'm exhausted from trying to compete, measure up, compare, etc. in every aspect of my life - there's so much judgment and criticism. It's a completely mental battle, and it's impossible to rest and find joy when you're believing lies rooted in appearance and performance. Like Solomon said - it's all vanity. I'm reminded that while man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart. I wonder what He sees when He looks at my heart. I wonder what it would be like to see like He sees - to have His vision - to see the hearts of others and how much He cherishes each one. I was reading in Proverbs 31 this morning, and as I read about this insanely awesome woman, I kept thinking "Oh, I need to be like that. Oh, I should do this. Oh, this looks like..." and then I realized how sneaky that works-based mentality is! It's so easy for me to go into that pattern of dysfunctional thinking! And then I got to the end of the chapter: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

There is this overwhelming invitation from Jesus Christ into grace and rest . Thank God! His burden is light (and free of vanity, striving, and insecurity).

doubting thomas

2011-02-25T00:06:00.004-05:00

These past few weeks have been like one long roller coaster of contradiction - lows of doubts followed by quick peaks of faith, deeper lows of doubts, and twists of everyday life.
For a quick(ish) update, here's the skeleton of the roller coaster:
1. I've got an interview at Vanderbilt - in two weeks I'll be in Nashville interviewing, looking at housing, and exploring a new city that I could potentially call home for the next five years of my life.
2. I've got an interview with Teach For America - I know, who saw that coming? not me.
3. I hate doubt. anxiety feeds off of doubt. and I hate them both. I hate that the first place satan attacks me is my identity in Jesus.
4. God is so faithful. He's been restoring relationships within my family like crazy - exceeding all of my meager expectations. For the first time in years I feel like I have a stable relationship with my dad. I'm slowly starting to breathe without fear.
5. Comparison steals joy and stays rooted in pride - which is ironic, since it's also seeded in insecurity
On another note, I was in the mall last weekend (yup- shopping). As I was rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off (because I dislike the mall - you should see how fast I can walk in the mall), I started to worry about finding a sweater to go with my interview outfit. I started to compare myself to others, wondering how I stood up, and then I started to worry that I might not get the job if I didn't look or sound professional enough, say the right things, etc. As I'm rushing through the mall to try one more store, Matthew 6 popped into my head. The thought went something like this, "Why do you worry about clothes? Your Heavenly Father knows what you need." It was followed by, "Don't you know that if I want you at Vanderbilt, you will be at Vanderbilt? And if not, don't you know that what I have for you is better?" I felt better immediately...and I found a sweater (in case you were wondering).
In the midst of the doubt, the sucky heart attitude, and all of the things that make me so very human, I find comfort in the fact that I cannot screw this up beyond repair. I don't know what's next, but I know that it will be good - because He is good, and He is for my good.
Friends - nothing we can do can make God love us more, and nothing we can do can make Him love us less.

lesson of the loaves

2011-02-06T13:59:00.000-05:00

"Human resources, however limited, when willingly offered and Divinely empowered are more than sufficient to accomplish Divine goals."
- S. Briscoe

My life is yours.
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dreams

2011-02-03T23:27:00.002-05:00

most days i feel like one big walking conflict. i have big dreams - romantic dreams (not like the movies or novels really), scary dreams, overwhelming dreams, challenging dreams, the kind of dreams that motivate you to reach for goals that excite and terrify you. but it doesn't take much to freak me out, and if you ask anyone i'm close to they would quickly tell you that i tend to be annoyingly realistic and often times negative in my thinking. balancing the dreamer and the intuition with the practical and sensing is one of the most difficult things about my personality.

you could probably care less about any of that. but tonight i feel a bit trapped. i know what i want to do with my life, but i'm not sure how to get there, or my motives behind it. i feel scatterbrained and unfocused. i find myself dreaming of working with young women, of adopting orphans, of all kinds of things - and most of the time these dreams don't involve waiting around on the dream of marriage which adds to the fear of it all.

what terrifies me is that i believe that i am so unqualified to do what i dream of doing. i've grown up sheltered, and i'm grateful because my story has been riddled with God's preventative grace. i have no idea what it's like to grow up in poverty, or to be abused, or to be abandoned. i don't know what addiction is like, or what it means to grow up never feeling loved or wanted. i'm afraid of all of those things. i feel as though i've bitten off way more than i could ever chew, let alone swallow. and as much as i'm afraid of being in over my head, i'm equally scared of living the American dream. it's not that the American dream is wrong, it's just that something in me longs for a bit more than a life built around things that will pass away. i've never wanted for anything, and never had to work for anything in my life, so it's easy to say that i want more than the American dream when i've never had to go without it a day in my life. the idea of casting the American dream aside has become rather trendy and glamorized, but it's not at all. i love being comfortable. i'm afraid of being uncomfortable and unsafe... but my dreams don't seem to care about that fear.

i want to not be afraid, and i don't have to be any longer. i want the desires of my heart to be the same as the desires of God's heart. i want to adopt. i want to love on orphans. i want to minister to the broken. i want faith. for once in my life, i want to walk in gentle boldness and courageous love.

fresh anointing

2011-01-17T17:06:00.003-05:00

This past weekend I went back home with my roommate and sister Hannah. We got to spend some great time with my family and enjoy my mom's awesome cooking. We also got to visit Mama John. For those of you who don't stalk this blog regularly, Mama John is an incredible woman of God that we met at David and Leah's wedding. She's Leah's grandmother. She spent over 20 years as a missionary/nurse in different parts of Africa (Kenya, Ethiopia, etc.).

Mama John remembered us (although she called me "Hannah" and Hannah "Alex") and welcomed us into her small room at an assisted living facility in Irmo. She has very poor eyesight but that didn't keep her from walking over to us and giving us great big hugs. We sat down in pink recliners and began to talk. She began to talk, and Hannah and I just listened.

She told us stories like you would never believe. Stories from her childhood and college years, stories about marriage and motherhood, stories about loss and climbing mountains. She told us stories of bush nursing, and her time in war-torn countries. Stories of violence and killing, of redemption and hope, stories that are similar to the kind you see in movies or read about in books on famous politicians or spies. All of them true, and all of them personal experiences. Her eyesight might be bad, and she might walk with a very pink cane - but Mama John's memory is sharper than my own.

We asked her questions - "How do you see all of the suffering - the dying children and the ravages of war - and still be so confident in God's goodness - still have so much faith?" "How did you cope with all of the sad things that you saw day after day?" "What one thing did you do each day to prepare yourself for all of it?"

She began, in true Mama John form, to speak to us about the Word, and prayer, and memorizing Scripture - but really she just spoke about knowing the Lord. She said she had moments where she would scream, "God, where are you?" She told us of the time in her life when prayer and spending time in the Word didn't seem important or necessary, and so she went her own way. She said, "That was the time when I needed to be praying and in the Word the most." She spoke about how Satan is the great deceiver - how sin looks beautiful at times and, even though we're forgiven, there are great consequences that come with sin.

She said to stay in the Word - to keep reading until you get a word and then take it with you for the rest of your day. She spoke to us about how listening and waiting were the hardest parts of prayer. She spoke about asking for a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit each day. Even though she knew she had him inside of her already, she wanted each day a fresh anointing as her "daily bread." She said she would wait, and not move, until she heard from him (though not always audibly).

She spoke to us about the power of touch, and of love. Even in her late 80's, she spoke of how God used Caleb into his old age - of how she felt like she had more mountains to climb. She talked with us about her dreams to see a church rise up in a certain war-torn, Islamic-dominated country. She told us about her desire to share Jesus with other residents in her new home, and how she was beginning to get to know them (mind you, she's only been there for a week or so). Then she prayed for us, and we were blessed to pray for her. Riding home, we talked about our time with her and how we felt like we'd just come back from a refreshing retreat.

One thing she told me stood out to me especially. I've been so afraid for the majority of my life, but each time I go into a new clinical setting, I'm worried I won't know what to do. She said that God has given her many jobs over the course of her life that she wasn't equipped to do, but that He did the equipping. She would walk into each day giving the Lord all that she had to give, and then she would watch Him provide and work in His way. She said, "Know that it's God calling you. If He's calling you, then you just give Him all that you have and He'll give you all that you need."

Friends - don't move from the secret place until you get a word from the Lord this week. Take it with you and be obedient to what He calls you to. Let's get to know Him and trust Him alone. He's good.
<3>

a bit about me

2011-01-11T20:52:00.003-05:00

a bit about me:

1. I love hot tea. Recently, I splurged and ordered some of my favorite tea online (curse shipping and handling btw). What kind of tea? Mint and green teas, especially when combined. Right now I'm enjoying Moroccan Mint Green Tea and Mellow Moments Herbal - all by Stash.

2. If I'm not in class or at home, chances are you'll find me in a local coffee shop known as MoeJoe's Coffee Co... or Moe's as we refer to it in our apartment. It's full of couches and chairs that give it a warm feeling, like coming home. I'm going to miss this place when I graduate.

3. I love bubble baths.

4. I'm currently reading Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick, Trusting God by Jerry Bridges, and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte... it will be a miracle if I finish even one of them. I've been reading Sun Stand Still since this fall.

5. The highlight of my week was probably getting to cook a complete meal and eat with my roommate Hannah. I got to try something new - and it looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook (never happens) - and it tasted good, too.

6. I don't know what to do with myself when I have time off. I have two free days during the week this semester, and after this past week I think I'm going to have to find new hobbies.

7. I like starting IVs and sticking people with needles. I'm not an awful person, I hate inflicting pain on other people. I just happen to be a nursing student - and I like that little rush I get when I start a good IV.

8. My favorite late-night snack is Cocoa Puffs

9. I've already resolved that, if I move to a new city after graduating, I'm going to have to get a dog. I can't live by myself. Something about coming from a decent sized family - I enjoy time to myself, but I have to hear other people in the same house.

10. I wake up early just so I can have a slow mornings. I love staying in bed and getting used to the day.

an appetite for mud

2011-01-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased -C.S. Lewis

Andy Stanley was talking about appetites at Passion a week or so ago - I didn't get to hear all of his talk, but I did hear a bit of it. Here were some things I took away from it:

1. Appetites are from God, but they've become distorted in many ways
2. An appetite always says "now" and never "later"

Lately, I've been really struggling with trusting Jesus and taking Him at His Word. I think it's one thing to be tempted, but another to completely disobey with an attitude of arrogance and rebellion - and I've experienced both in the past few weeks.
I've been feeling as though God's holding out on me - like I'm missing out on all of this stuff that doesn't seem to be a big deal or carry the consequences that He says it does. This is where the lack of trust comes in - revealing a complete lack of knowledge and confidence on my part in God's character. He's good, and He's for my good.
Not only do I think Lewis was right when he said, "We are far too easily pleased" - I think he was onto something when he spoke about a child with a limited imagination. It's like being a kid and choosing a candy bar over a piece of your favorite homemade dessert, but much worse. Not only do I abuse grace by fooling around in the mud, I insult God with my inability to receive the inheritance He has for me (which is pride). I have traded in my birthright for an appetite that screams for immediate satisfaction. The only problem is that I'm not satisfied at all and I'm covered in mud.

a much needed day off and an honest conversation

2011-01-06T23:49:00.002-05:00

Today I was blessed to go up to Charlotte with a good friend and sister of mine. On the way up we stopped to see my aunt and then we were able to grab coffee (that none of us drank) with her friend. We finished up the day by having dinner with our wise friend Meredith and then headed back home. It was just the two of us for a good bit of the day. The two of us, two iPods, and one fickle GPS with a handsome Australian accent that repeatedly said, "Recalculating" as we kept taking wrong turns.

Today was refreshing in an odd way. Our topics of conversation ranged from shallow to incredibly honest and vulnerable, funny to the more serious, light to the deeper parts that make us human. I had every thought that we would get to Charlotte a few hours before dinner and have fun exploring the city, but I didn't think we would talk about some of the things we did.

We talked about dating and how every one's getting married. We covered crushes, ideas for life after college, and things from high school that should have stayed in high school. We talked about music and mentioned how it was a shame John Mayer happens to be a jerk in real life. But we also talked about things like sex, men, weight, and wounds. Words were spoken that I hadn't really said aloud before, words that no one really says out loud anymore.

I will not deny that I'm insecure, but I have used insecurity as a crutch for too long. I think that something powerful has the potential to happen when we start to talk to one another about things that no one seems to talk about, especially in the church. We tell our teenagers and young adults not to have sex, but do we tell them why? What's at stake if we don't seek purity? We tell women not to be insecure, but do we tell them they are beautiful? And if we do, do we just say it to slap a Band-Aid on low self-esteem or do we make time for an honest conversation? We tell our men not to look at porn - but what about women who are addicted to it as well? We don't talk about the consequences of decisions anymore.

Maybe we should talk about things. Maybe we should start to have some honest conversations about what we're thinking and struggling over - about how some days (maybe most days) it's a fight to pursue integrity and purity, it's a fight to live in victory.

I love the church - not because it's perfect or because it's doing everything "right" - but because it's the Body and Bride of Christ. I wonder what would happen if Christians began to have honest conversations with one another about the hard stuff, the gross stuff, the struggle. I wonder what would happen if Christians began to speak honestly about their addictions and temptations. I wonder what would happen if we stopped trying to "have it all together" by ignoring real struggles and fearing man. I can't help but think that people would be set free from bondage and loneliness. I can't help but think that the world might see Jesus for what He is - our only Rescue - because the only thing that separates me from the world is Jesus' presence in my life. He has made all things new, not my own effort. And I dare to hope that I was not meant to do life alone, to struggle with temptation alone, nor to walk in victory alone.

<3a

1/1/11

2011-01-01T21:30:00.011-05:00

I just finished watching the first night of Passion on livestream - it's happening now through January 4th so you should check it out.

One of my best (and oldest) friends got married last night. His bride Leah, one of my friends and sisters in Christ, is awesome. She happens to be related to one of the coolest women I've met. Mama John is Leah's grandmother - She is 88 years old and beautiful. Mama John is a nurse and has worked overseas as a missionary in many countries, including several in East Africa. I was so blessed to get to meet her at the wedding and listen to her toast David and Leah. Her toast was a worship service in itself - she gave an entire commentary on Paul's passage on love in 1 Corinthians 13 - so much wisdom it was crazy. When we left the wedding we stopped to say bye to her, she grabbed Hannah and I and blessed us with more stories of God's faithfulness. She said something that stood out to me so much, "You've got to have a dream." We hugged her then went to say bye to Leah's mom, another incredible woman. She mentioned to us that Mama John would be moving into an assisted living facility. Of all the Christian-based homes they looked at, they settled on a facility that was not faith-based. She said it was a perfect mission field for Mama John who stated, "I feel like God's got one more mountain for me to climb."

I can't wait to go visit Mama John and learn more from her - how I want that kind of faith and perspective!

Here are some pictures from the wedding.....

Mr. and Mrs. David Cress

Hannah and Mama John

My lovely parents

Cinderella (Emmy) and my adorable dates (Michael and Jack)

My amazing sister Hannah

Blessings in Christ,

<3 a

peppermint tea

2010-12-26T19:29:00.002-05:00

I have been asked many times over holiday break, "so you have one more semester left, then what are you going to do?"

"I don't know. I'm applying for some residency programs..." etc.

I've often thought (and said) that I would be completely happy if I graduated with my nursing degree and never actually went into nursing. I like it - sure. but I just don't know if it's what I want to do with my life... I could do anything.

I decided to go to Barnes today to finish reading some Harry Potter - instead I grabbed a notebook and a Sharpie pen (these are now my new favorite pens) and sat down with a cup of peppermint tea (another favorite thing).

What are my strengths? What are my weaknesses? What do I like about nursing? What do I not like about it? What if I took a year off and just set it apart for the Lord? What if I did something completely unrelated to nursing? What do I enjoy? What am I passionate about?

I sat with these questions for an hour and then began to write down this idea. I kept writing until this idea had a name, a mission statement, a rough structure and a longterm goal.

I left feeling really excited. We'll see.

a yellow chair

2010-12-08T09:35:00.003-05:00

Ever have those moments when someone asks you how your life is going after a long period of time has passed between conversations with them? You feel like you have so much to tell, not enough to tell, big stuff and little stuff, and you have no idea where to begin? What comes out is a big pile of scatterbrained mess? Welcome to this blog post.

I am currently sitting in MoeJoe's Coffee shop with my sister HannahB, curled up in this adorable (but old and well-loved) yellow-ish chair. I feel like a regular, practically living in this place. There's a barista who always knows the best hot teas to get (because they never order the same ones twice it seems) and he can recall every tea I like. There's a residency application to Vanderbilt sitting on the desk beside me and the second book of the Harry Potter series in my backpack. This is a rare moment - coming to a coffee shop with blogging, reading, and residency forms on my to-do list. I feel very much at-home.

Lately, I've felt very anxious. Suddenly anxious about the lack of funding I have for Ecuador, suddenly worried about not making the grade I think I need to have on my finals, getting something less than a 4.0 this semester, worrying that I'm not a competitive candidate for residencies and jobs, worrying about letting family members down because maybe they'll see that I'm human and I say dumb, inappropriate things all the time that hurt people (whether intentionally or not). This past weekend I woke up in a panic attack (that's a bad sign for how the rest of your day could go, by the way). As I stepped out of the shower, I realized that all of my anxiety was not only self-worship, but idolatry. I was placing my faith in my GPA to get me into a residency program instead of placing my faith in God the Father. And how often have I seen the Lord provide financially for me to go abroad??

Today I was reading in Matthew 5-7 - realizing how much the Lord longs to speak to us and meet us in secret. There's something incredibly intimate and beautiful about wanting to get away with your beloved. Not only does He want to meet with us in the secret place, but He commands us not to worry. I've read this passage more times than I can remember, but today something struck me in a new light. As I'm enjoying this season of my life and preparing for the next, God tells me not to worry about the simple things such as food and clothing. He points to the birds and the flowers - neither work or cause anything to grow, but He takes care of them. He ends by reminding us to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and promises that "all these things shall be added unto you" when we do. He goes on in the first few verses of chapter 7 to remind us that He's the Perfect Father - to ask, seek and knock - and then to receive from Him.

I've wasted time worrying about the simple things in life - where I will live, where I will work, who I will meet, can I live alone and support myself? Jesus simply tells me to stop worrying. He knows exactly what I need and, being perfect, knows exactly how to give good gifts to His kids. He tells me to ask. He longs to meet me in the secret place.

Henry Clay spoke directly to my heart when he said something similar to this statement, "The extent of your confidence in the flesh is determined by the strength of your prayer life. If you have a weak prayer life, you are putting all confidence in the flesh. You are not depending on the Lord, but on your own abilities. If you have a strong prayer life and consistently come before the Father laying all things before His feet you leave nothing to boast in the flesh."

The residency applications can wait. The final exams and the Harry Potter books can wait. Whatever you have to do today can wait. My Husband, your Husband, is inviting you into the secret place to get to know Him- will we answer Him? Nothing is to small or to big to bring before Him.

<3 a

nashville, tn

2010-11-20T23:18:00.004-05:00

I have a bad habit of letting e-mails pile up in my inbox. I'm pretty sure it's insulting to Gmail how disorganized my inbox actually is. Anyways, I finally sat down to read those lingering messages today and came across an invitation to apply for Vanderbilt's Nurse Residency program. It as sent through Clemson to all of the nursing students, and I typically take forever to read those.

I was wasting time before studying, so I thought I would check the program out. Turns out VUMC offers a CNM/FNP dual program (Certified Nurse Midwife/Family Nurse Practitioner). I've been trying to decide what to do. Ideally, I want to work with women and children and be able to continue caring for families that I've established a relationship with - which would translate into being both a CNM and a FNP. That's a lot of school, so I was trying to pick just one. Turns out, I could do both at the same time!

Working at VUMC for a year would qualify me for tuition assistance for grad school - which would be a massive help as well.

Applications for the program go up Monday with interviews and acceptance news in March. It's all so crazy that the season of college is coming to a close so quickly.
I have no idea what's next, and I just want to enjoy what's now. I know the Lord has good plans for me and that He's sovereign - I need His wisdom for this next season. I crave your prayers.

monday

2010-11-15T21:14:00.003-05:00

"Love your enemies." "Pray for those who persecute you." "Do not worry." "Forgive as I've forgive you." "Take up your cross, deny yourself, come - run after me, follow me."

"Jesus - that's hard."

"Alex, I've given you everything you need for life and godliness through knowing me..."

Such has been the conversation of the past weekend - trying to take Jesus literally (astounding concept!) is difficult - not to make that an excuse not to follow Him - just to state an obvious truth. However, He's given me all that I need. Trusting Him looks like obedience in faith that His word is true - that He has indeed given me all I need for life and godliness (2Peter1:3-4).

In other news, I feel like I had a pretty productive day - even though it started with avoiding resting in the Father's presence for a few precious moments. He's after my heart though, so I turned off the TV and got some one-on-one that was much needed.
Turned in a project, had lunch with my clinical group (Panera - yum!), picked up my prescription (drug companies make a ton of money), cooked a turkey (yes - a 12lb bird and I bonded - turkey guts are not my fav), made some mac'n'cheese (like momma, but her's is better), cleaned my room (dusted, vacuumed, the works), put laundry away (like, in a closet), organized my desk (eek), cleaned the kitchen, washed some dishes, blogged. Shees. About to clean my bathtub so I can take a bubble bath before snuggling into clean, fresh sheets.

I've managed to do everything under the sun except for studying for my upcoming test. I'm the closest I've ever been to being over school.

On the future front: I looked up Compassion International and Living Water International for potential job opportunities. I am equally thrilled and afraid of serving overseas, but I can't escape the truth that my gifts were designed to help meet need - whether in the States or overseas.

<3 a

insecurity part 2

2010-11-06T22:38:00.004-04:00

Today I was cleaning my room and listening to talks from last year's Passion conference. I started with Andy Stanley's talk - I love that he always repeats his points so often. "It is always a mistake to determine what you want to do before you first decide who you want to be." He went onto talk about the talent, the gifts, the intellect in the arena - telling us that our gifts and abilities had the potential to take us beyond what our character could handle if we failed to decide who we wanted to be before determining what we were going to do. There's that core foundation of deciding who you want to be and what's at stake if you aren't that person. For example - I want to be a pure person, but why? What's at stake if I'm not pure? Intimacy is at stake - purity paves the way to intimacy.

What does this have to do with insecurity?

I followed Andy's talk with Francis Chan's talk. Francis talked about trembling at the Word of God - do I tremble at His Word? When Scripture says, "Love one another" is my heart to go and love others because Holy God told me to love? Etc. He spoke from 2 Peter 1 about how God has given us everything we need for life and godliness (v3). The text pretty much speaks for itself:

"His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." (3-4)

It's the living word of God - and if I believe that God's word is truth then this tells me a few things:

1. God has given me all that I need for life and godliness- I have no excuse to sin or chose anything other than following Him. It is not easy, but I have all that I need. He has thoroughly equipped me.

2. Knowing the Lord is crucial, vital to understanding all that I have in Him. Approaching Scripture with reverence, humility, and trembling because it is the Living Word of Holy God changes the way I read it completely. It is no longer a boring book with lots of rules and wise advice - it's life.

3. I have been given very great and precious promises - such as the promise of salvation - I have been given a new nature, I am no longer dead in sin but alive in Christ - Christ is in me - I am a partaker in the divine nature. I am no longer just a human being - made only of flesh and blood - I have been made new!

Neither one of these talks were about security, and though I had heard them before, listening to them again was so convicting and refreshing. However, it made me think about insecurity.

1. I'm at that place where I have to decide what I want to do with my life - I'm graduating in May and I'll start looking for jobs soon - but what do I want to do? I put so much emphasis on my appearance, my performance, my relationships - I've fallen into the trap of putting so much stock into who I know, what others think of me, etc. that I've failed to think about who I want to be. Do I really want to get to the end of my life and have people remember me for my grades? for my skewed priorities of putting performance before people? There is no security when I place my identity in my performance. I've realized a huge part of my insecurity stems from the fear of screwing up beyond repair - and yet the Lord gently says to me, "Alex, you cannot screw this up. I have good plans for you- I will complete the good work I began in you. Let me take this, let it go." I have overestimated my potential to screw things up and my ability to control stuff and underestimated the Lord's ability and power to sovereignly hold me. It's called pride. And I will never rest securely until I realize that who I am is more important than what I do. I can "do" all day long, but my "doing" flows from my "being" and if my "being" is not an overflow of the Holy Spirit than my "doing" has no foundation or lasting impact.

2. I've been equipped to become the woman that I want to be because I have been given everything I need to live a Godly life. I am no longer a slave to sin but I am a slave to righteousness. I am a daughter of the King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Creator God. I am a partaker in the divine nature - I have a new nature. My identity is secure in the faithfulness of God - because He does not change and His word is truth.

insecurity part 1

2010-11-04T21:44:00.004-04:00

I grew up in a smallish town and went to an even smaller school. From as far back as I can remember, every year there was a girl in my class who made my school year a living hell. She came in different forms each year, but you can ask my mother - we spent countless hours full of tears and back rubs and prayer in my room each night. Girls fight dirty in the cruelest fashion.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I looked into my mom's face and I fought back tears this past weekend as she said, "I've really been praying about your self-esteem." She went on to speak a lot of encouragement over me - the kind I brush off because I don't know how to receive. Her honest confession has been running through my head ever since.

I drove home, listening to "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" courtesy of Pastor Steven Furtick. Tears began to surface as he told a story about his three year old son - his own flesh and blood - going through a period of hiding from him. He was suddenly embarrassed to be seen naked while his dad helped him get a bath. Pastor F's response was, "Boy, I made you. I saw your ultrasound! Stop hiding from me and get into the bath tub." I remembered my friend Mark telling us a story about his niece and dirty diapers, relating God to a good dad who picks us up, cleans us, and loves us. I started to wonder where this intense fear of rejection and abandonment comes from - where this fear of "messing up beyond repair" comes from - where this inability to see anything beautiful or worthwhile in myself comes from. I am beginning to see patterns.

I'm sensitive. so sensitive. I've lost track of how many times this week I've let another woman hurt me. I'm seeing bitterness pop up over wounds I thought had already been addressed, trying to eradicate lies with truth. Psalm 138 and 139 have been read multiple times this week - each time my eyes are moist over the beauty and the hope of the Gospel - Satan is silenced for a moment in the presence of Scripture.

God put me together from the inside out - I was not thrown together in a haphazard manner. Apart from Christ I was dead, having no good thing. In Christ I am a wonderful masterpiece. Before the foundations of the world were spoken into existence, God knit me together with purpose and intention. Dear soul, find security in Christ alone.

transformation

2010-10-23T00:49:00.003-04:00

this past Thursday Louie Giglio came and spoke at FCA - I was excited to have my dad come up and get to hear Louie - a few things struck me:

1. I watched as hundreds of students pushed and shoved to get in the building to see one man preach - to hear one man's words - and I was one of them. I wondered how many other students were like me - pushing and shoving so selfishly with the mindset of hearing from a great communicator instead of hearing from the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I believe it can be both - but I realized as I settled into my seat that I had not come with pure motives. Sure, I wanted to hear Louie speak and I wanted him to tell me something in a way that would make things snap into place for me - wake me up from this complacent and hard heart - but I was waiting to hang on the words of a man rather than on the words of the Lord that Louie would speak. I pushed and shoved not to get to Jesus - because had another speaker been scheduled I probably wouldn't have stayed up to go to FCA. I had pushed and shoved to get to a man that I thought, in some twisted way had a better access to the Spirit than I, or something like that. I realize that I do that a lot - I tend to take my focus off of the Lord and place it on great men and women of God - at the end of the day they're an imperfect sinner like I am... the only difference is that my eyes are too busy looking at them looking at the Lord rather than gazing on His face directly.
2. i've struggled (an understatement) with my salvation, wrestled with my story, battled doubt for the majority of my life. for one, I don't remember when I came to know the Lord because I was so young - since then, I've come to know the Lord - but each time I begin to feel bombarded with doubt I pray that silly sinner's prayer again. Lately, I've just felt like a ridiculous failure - I don't understand how someone can see how screwed up they are and yet still be so prideful and stubborn about it - but my heart has been hard- so hard lately. I'm not okay with it at all, but trying to "fix it" or "change it" only makes it worse. Louie said a lot of things Thursday that resonated with me - I needed to hear them and wanted to hear them. He said something so simple and it was exactly the truth I needed to hear.

The Gospel is NOT bad people believing in Jesus trying to become better.
The Gospel is DEAD people being raised to LIFE.
I was dead and Jesus brought me to life in Him - He is my life.

For so long I've struggled with my story - never being a bad kid or having some sort of crazy testimony in which one moment I was a drug-abuser/prostitute/you-name-it-I-did-it-kid, who came to know Jesus, then experienced complete freedom and obvious transformation from my former lifestyle. I recognize now how messed up I am - and the past few months have been spent trying to break strongholds - trying to feel like less of a mess - trying to "become better." When the reality is, I don't know if I've ever identified myself with the death and resurrection of Christ. I've believed it, but identifying myself with it means that 1. Christ died once all - it's finished. 2. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, the life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal2:20). I don't have to try to break strongholds on my own strength because I'm dead - and Christ is more than sufficient for me.

November 2008 - an impossible dream

2010-10-14T22:39:00.002-04:00

"I had this "dream"/idea last year of a school/home/clinic for girls. Actually, I did a project on it for a nursing course. The goal was to have a free place for women - especially teenage girls and moms - to be able to come and live, to be educated and taught skills that would equip them to get a job, to give them free medical care - especially when it came to working with pregnant women and infants. I wanted it to be in a place where women weren't treated well - in a place where they weren't given many options if they were single or widowed or abandoned. I wanted it to be a place totally free - so that their families would have options and so that coming and attending school or living would be open to every girl, every woman, every infant, every teen.
It's a massive dream for anyone - but an "impossible" one for such a fearful person.
I'm so afraid - in my flesh I don't want to move somewhere in the bush, in the middle of a war-zone - I can't handle the atrocities, tragedies, heartbreak and grief - I'm sheltered, I always have been and I've been okay with it - I can't go to these places, work with these girls, I can't handle it. These thoughts and fears swirl in my head.
Most of them are lies. The truth is, I am sheltered- I have no idea what it's like to suffer - I've got a pretty darn cush life and I've never had to wonder or worry (that doesn't mean I don't) about where my clothing, food, education, anything will come from. The lie consists of the "I can'ts" the "it's impossible" the "you're too fearful" and the "what can you, of all people, really do to change anything?"
The thought of "they need to know there's hope - I need to know there's hope" was suddenly a target for the Holy Spirit to convict me the other day. I know there's hope, the source of Hope lives in me, yet I don't claim it or live in light of it. I don't need to go to see that there's Hope - no, Hope exists. I don't need to go to bring it, it's there - just like I don't bring Jesus or the Gospel or God anywhere - He's there already. The crazy fact that He choses to use us is not so that we can "bring" Him anywhere- but so that He brings us and introduces us as His kids - manifestations of his light, love, hope, joy, hands, feet, heart. Conviction of self-righteousness has hit like a wave the past few days... instead of seeing myself sitting down to serve as though I'm superior - I should see myself kneeling, eye-level with those I get to hang out with, serve and help as equals, even as a student who wants to learn. They don't owe me anything, they shouldn't praise me for anything.
Is a servant praised for doing his job? God's not interested in me sitting down at the feast with my side-dish - he doesn't need it, because he's got more than enough (and better) food. All He's interested in is me being there, enjoying His presence, and passing the potatoes (the blessings he's given me) to His kids - my siblings.
grace - how i want to get such scandalous grace" - me two years ago

today i began a book called Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick and i thought of this dream, posted on this blog in November of 2008. It was born in 2007 and it has lasted throughout these three years. what i wrote then is still true and relevant, only now i might dare to ask in audacious faith for it to become a reality. i'm graduating in May, single and in a place where i never thought i would be. in his book, Furtick says something that completely struck me: "If you're not daring to believe God for the impossible, you're sleeping through some of the best parts of your Christian life. And further still: if the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating to you, there's a good chance it's insulting to God."
i've prayed scary prayers before, but this one might top the list - that God Almighty would open up my eyes and my heart to the vision He has for me, and that i might respond in complete obedience.
<3 a

if i could speak...

2010-10-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

recently i saw a young woman faced with unexpected news, wrecked from a past abortion, abandoned and without a loving father-figure. all i wanted to do was tell her she was loved exactly as she was - accepted - wanted - that no past, present, or future circumstance or decision was beyond redemption.

this week i saw a young man full of rage like i've never seen before. i sat through and listened to therapist and patients try to educate him on ways to control his rage. the whole time all i could see was a little boy unable to cope with the death of his father, walling in himself with hurt, bitterness, and unresolved grief just to prevent anyone else from getting to close. i saw him act out, shut down, as waves of hurt welled up in side of him - i watched as everyone talked about dealing with anger - and i just wanted to tell him that rage wasn't the source of his problem. i wanted to listen to his story - because that's all he really wanted to get out.

with each circumstance i wondered if i could do this - could i sit in these exam rooms, so cold and observe so much brokenness all without uttering the name of Jesus or words of encouragement aloud?

wednesday morning

2010-10-06T10:12:00.002-04:00

my alarm buzzed off at 5am this morning - and i had every intention of getting up, making some green tea, having some time with Jesus and then meeting Rachel for our library-study-cram-sesh before-test date. however, i overslept and woke up at 6:33 - leaving the apartment and getting to Rachels at 7am. i was completely reminded of God's sovereignty in the car - just how today is His and He's completely sovereign over it...again, that He is good and that He is for my good. He's a good Dad and He knows i needed the extra sleep.

seasons have been a theme for me since school started - maybe they always have been, but it's definitely more pronounced now. i'm continually reminded that i'm in this season for a particular reason, whether i like it or not, i'm learning the necessity of being content and being present - of inviting the Lord to teach me all that He wants me to learn in this season - in this time. not looking back to past seasons or forward in worry or anxiety about the future ones - but just focusing on where i am now...and trusting that where i am now is exactly where i need to be. the diseases of comparison and insecurity no longer have a right to ravage me - the spirits of fear, anxiety, and pride have no right to my heart or mind in the name of Christ. While i hate all of those things, they are so rampant within me so much of the time - and i'm learning that they have no right to be present in my life. There's so much authority and power in the name of Christ that i don't even comprehend, but i'm learning, and He's teaching.

one thing i do love, is this season of Autumn - as everything in creation is changing, i feel change - and while i dislike change and my tendency is to fear and be anxious - i DO love changing leaves and cooler weather, open windows and apple pie, and pumpkin spice smells. it's always been odd to me that my favorite season is one in which everything is preparing to die - lots of people see winter as cold, dark, and spring as a season in which everything comes alive - but i think sometimes that fall - in all of it's beauty - is a season in which dying begins - the leaves, in all of their lovely colors,are essentially dying. i don't mean this to sound morbid, i only mean that the process of dying/learning to die is not fun at all, no one looks forward to it - yet it's one of the most beautiful things.

fall

2010-10-03T17:54:00.008-04:00

this past weekend I got to go home and see my fabulous family. I also got to bring Adrienne home to hang out - apparently the boys were excited to have her bake some yummy goodies. Bake she did - Coca-Cola Cake and apple pie. We went apple picking and got to watch my stud of a brother, Pat, play some soccer. It was Adrienne's first experience with soccer and Pat got really excited. She said he got out a sheet of paper and drew "A bunch of X's and O's and arrows" to explain the game - by the end of the second game I think she got it... but not before making us all giggle when she asked why the goal keepers were wearing different colored shirts. Lovely trip home - a definite refresher.

blessings this week,

<3>

tech-savvy is not my middle name

2010-09-30T20:58:00.011-04:00

i don't know how formatting my blog ended up like it did - but i'm rolling with it. here are some recent photos (recent being from the summer):

my best friend got hitched and it was beautiful:

my family took a real family vacation - and the lovely hannahb happened to be on the same island the same week:

more recent - growing up. looking forward and trying not to panic - coming up with a list of places to move and work - at the top of the list:

Boston, MA

Birmingham, AL

Other's include Charlotte, Charleston, Chapel Hill, Portland, Chicago, Baltimore, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, and Honolulu. Oh, and Columbia :)

Most of these places have relatively good OB or Pediatric hospitals. Some are conveniently near the beach or the mountains - and I'm not sure I could live somewhere not within driving distance of an ocean or a hiking trail. Obviously, Columbia would be the cheapest option - living at home rent free and working = saving up. Some of these hospitals and residency programs would be amazing to get into though. Which is why Birmingham is on the list - it's relatively inexpensive to live there and I could work and go to school at the same time - working in a great OB/Women's Health or Pediatric unit.

I'll be honest - looking at these places is just a great distraction from school. I'll end up where I get a job and where the Lord leads me, and I'll love it/learn in it. It just happens to be fun looking at cities and having the freedom to move some place completely new.

<3 a

Fierce Warrior, Jealous Lover.

2010-09-21T21:54:00.002-04:00

Today I found myself discouraged. For the past few weeks I've had more anxiety attacks and physical episodes of near fainting/vomiting (gross, I'm sorry). Last Tuesday I threw up in front of an entire class of 70 people - in my LAP. I was too weak to stand and go to the bathroom because I felt so light-headed and dizzy. Today, I was overcome with abdominal pain, intense cramping all over - to the point that I could hardly catch my breath. Nausea and dizziness joined in with the stomach pains and I ended up sitting in the bathroom in a cold sweat. So entirely sick of this happening and with no known reason. I've had blood drawn, and ECG done, etc. - and all of that looks fine (thankfully) - the doctor's are starting to think anxiety. These "episodes" are so different than past anxiety attacks. Whether there is a physical cause or not, I have no doubt that Satan's used these moments to discourage me.

I'm pretty honest about my anxiety - if there was going to be a time for this to happen due to anxiety it would have been last night or this morning before I bombed my pediatrics test - I was freaking out last night because I knew I was so unprepared and had no time to prepare. I had missed an entire lecture which composed half of the test the week before because I "got sick." This morning though, I woke up and had a great time with the Lord - just in prayer and claiming His promises. That's He's good, and that He's for my good. That I don't have to fear or be anxious because He's my God - He upholds me with the strength of His right arm - He's my help and my strong tower - my comforter and my redeemer. I went to the library early with Rachel, rushing to try to lay eyes on massive amounts of material - but resigned to the fact that this wouldn't be my best test and that it would be okay. I didn't feel anxious - even when I got the test and didn't know half of the answers. It wasn't until lecture started that I began to feel intense pain and get sick.

I believe God's called me to peace - to trust Him - to live anxiety-free. I believe that's a part of my inheritance - and a life that I have struggled to believe is possible. There are times when my anxiety feels like an impossibly overwhelming mountain - but it's not. It's very much a sin-struggle, a choice to move from worshipping the Lord to self-worship, pride, and unbelief. Tonight I tuned into Steven Furtick's 24 hour preaching in God's perfect timing. He said something so encouraging to me and so clearly from the Lord. The closer I am to receiving the inheritance/the promise of God - in this case no anxiety or fear, but a life of peace, rest and security (not comfort) - the stronger the resistance and opposition. Satan plays dirtier the closer I get to receiving all that God has for me, but he has no victory.

In this season I am not alone. I am a beloved daughter of the Living God and I'm convinced He's making me more like Him even in this. I know He has things to teach me in this season- places to take me in His heart. I also know that He's after my heart with all He's got - that while Satan plays dirty, Jesus relentlessly pursues me and presses His finger on everything that competes with Him for my attention and affections. My God is a fierce warrior - and while I'll have trouble in this world, He's overcome it - and in Him, I am more than a conqueror. My God is a jealous lover - faithful, gentle, persistent.

he who has been stealing must steal no longer.

lessons from the week

2010-09-09T21:09:00.003-04:00

This week was the first really challenging one of my semester. I started the year wanting to have a life - to pour into relationships and people - instead of stressing to make another 4.0.

This year I have three clinicals (M,Th,F) and two days of lecture (T,W). This week I had two exams. I've never felt so unprepared for exams, and I almost never start studying for an exam the day before I have to take it (which I totally did this week). I won't lie and say that I didn't stress at all - I was a ball of stress on Tuesday morning before my exam. I knew that material would be from the textbook - and I really struggle to read textbooks. I had spent a lot of time trying to read the text for this class (averaging an embarrassingly few amount of pages per hour) and felt like I had retained no information. Saturday, I enjoyed tailgating with friends and hanging out with my brother after the football game. I managed to catch a few hours in the library during the game (lame, I know - but it didn't seem like a good game anyways). Monday, I was blessed to get out of clinical 4 hours early! I got home around 9:30 and debated if I should run or go to the library. I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I ran for the first time without feeling like I was in a hurry to be doing something else. I kept reminding myself that I had 4 extra hours and I could run for longer, shower, and grab lunch. The weather was beautiful and I felt great - I ended up running my longest run yet at a surprisingly steady pace.
After the run I got to catch lunch with my roommates before going to study. I caught about 2 hours of study time and then headed back to the apartment for Monday night dinner. I planned on studying and only coming out of my room for about thirty minutes, but I ended up not studying at all. I scurried off to band practice for Navs and managed to catch 2-3 more hours before finally choosing sleep at midnight. I hit the library early to review my notes and read over material I hadn't covered yet - I started to physically feel anxious. I went into the test knowing that I didn't "deserve an A" and wondering how I would handle getting a B in a course (I obviously struggle with perfectionism). I also went in knowing that I had enjoyed some sweet time in community, and that had been my desire in the first place. We went over the test and I was so happy with my grade, and so convicted by God's faithfulness and grace.
I hit the books again for a few hours before Navs for my next exam - struggling to understand material I should have mastered in anatomy. I was so excited when I finally got the concept and then realized I had only covered one small part of the test. Oops. I went to Navs and enjoyed seeing people, worshipping with them, and hearing the Word of God as Jason (ironically) talked about growing up in Christ. I came home from Navs totally unmotivated to study. I felt so chill and I was just tired of school work. After an unsuccessful attempt to study, I went to bed. I hit the library before the test again in the morning, and felt surprisingly relaxed. It was so unusual that I actually began to wonder if I was subconsciously stressing. I started to worry about my lack of stress (weird) then I was reminded about how dumb that was! For the first time in my life, I realized that worrying got me nowhere good - that I really feed off of anxiety and it kicks my butt every time. I had known this about myself, but it had never clicked. Suddenly stressing about this exam would not improve my chances of magically knowing the material - if anything, it would only distract me. After all, stressing didn't help me with my Peds test - and God was faithful to provide in that situation. I felt peaceful (I'm assuming it was peace - it was such a rare feeling for me) until I got a latte - and then I experienced the caffeine-induced jitters. The test went well - so, so well.
Today, I was nervous about clinical because I knew I would be working with children. I'm always nervous about getting an uncooperative child - or one who doesn't like me. I got a miracle patient - a child incredibly blessed to be alive - and one who reminded me of God's sovereignty.
Before you read this, know that this was all the Lord and not me:
At the start of clinical, while I was waiting to receive report from my night nurse, my Peds instructor confronted me and congratulated me. I must have had a confused look on my face, because she began to explain to me that I had received the highest grade in the class. I was surprised, and I felt awkward, and then I worried that she might think that was normal for me. That's never happened before.

Two of the main things I've learned (or am learning) this week are these:
1. That I'm so quick to buy into the lie that God is not good, and that He is not for my good. When in reality, He is perfectly good and He loves me completely. Whatever happens in my life, whether good or bad, comes through the hands of my Sovereign Father first - and He has my best interest at heart. Not for earthly success, but for the sole purpose of growing me into maturity - into Christlikeness. This doesn't mean that I'll always make good grades or have good things happen all the time - it just means that He's good - regardless of what happens He's still in control and does not change.
2. I'm so quick to place my faith in the measure of my faith instead of the faithfulness of my God. My God is faithful. His faithfulness towards us is NOT determined by the level of our faith - it's based on His Word and His character. I don't deserve it. I can't earn it. I've done everything possible to break His heart - worshipping idols and whoring myself like Israel so often did. I've slowly started to see God begin to answer prayers for Godly sorrow which leads to true repentance - and at the root is the realization that I am completely unworthy and undeserving of His grace. That apart from Him I have no good thing (Ps 16:2). That's the beauty of the Gospel - that Jesus did what I could never do to bring me into a right relationship with Him - that He absorbed God's wrath towards me and that through His death and resurrection I am fully loved by God - I am fully pleasing to Him because of Jesus and Jesus only (Eph2).

the question of the night - could I say the following and it be true in my life?
"If I lose it all - You are enough. If I gain the world - You are enough. My joy is complete. Jesus, You are more than enough for me."

learning to trust and rest on His chest like a weaned child,
a

wallowing

2010-09-06T23:52:00.002-04:00

dear school girl heart,

you have this one night to wallow and embrace your hurt. this one night only. let out some tears then wash them from your cheeks.
tomorrow is a new day, and you are not your own.
Papa has it.
Papa has you.
Trust Him child.

<3>

hullo tuesday

2010-08-31T21:59:00.005-04:00

I wanted to add pictures with this update - and then I quickly realized that I don't have any recent pictures because I avoid being in them. so that's a new goal - take more pictures, get over insecurities.

anyways - I DID find this one and it's one of my favorite moments of the summer...

...this is my best friend and my sister, Autumn, on her wedding day.

Aside from reading a bunch of textbooks, my lovely roommate Carolina loaned me this one...

...I'm only on chapter 3, but it's been incredibly good so far. I'm tired of living like I'm defeated when Christ has the victory.

I'm super excited about getting involved with the Navigators again - I'm really enjoying meeting new people and getting to use my gifts in ministry. At the same time, the Lord has really been putting His finger on my motivation and on my heart. He tells me that "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" - and lately, my heart has been really gross and self-absorbed.

I'm blessed to be living with Caroline and Hannah, and I'm getting to know Jennifer better. One thing is for sure - I'm struck by the redemption and restoration that is evident in my life. I'm so forgetful, but Jesus keeps reminding me of His grace towards me in every circumstance. It's painful - when you realize that you're completely unworthy of the Gospel and how frequently you break His heart - BUT that's what makes it so incredibly beautiful. Not only have I been redeemed by the Lord - but He's redeemed and restored relationships in my life as well. I'm so blessed to be living with my friend and sister Caroline again - I love that we can sit on the kitchen counter in the morning and eat breakfast (well, I eat cheerios and she drinks coffee). I love that God's taken a painful situation and turned it into something beautiful - and Hannah is a daily reminder of that beauty. Her presence was an answer to prayer, and her friendship an incredible blessing.
My roommates are awesome, but I'm really pumped about what God's doing in my relationship with my dad. Relationships involve people and we'll never be perfect - but God's been restoring my relationship with my dad. We actually talk more, and I like that. Learning how to live and operate in this new relationship has been weird - maybe because we've been so used to relating in such an unhealthy way for so long - but I like that God's teaching us. I was convicted (in the most gentle but strong way) the other day by a new friend to pray for my Dad (something I knew I should do but had slacked off on doing). So we're praying for each other, and we'll let each other down again - but healing is taking place. I cry at this (more like have a weep-fest)- I didn't think we would be here at the beginning of the summer.

That's all I got - at some point I'll have a more logical theme for posts.
love,
a

life update

2010-08-22T17:59:00.003-04:00

the past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind - and now that things seem to be settling, I still find myself feeling tense, anxious, and wondering what to do with my precious free time. I wish the thumping of my heart would just go away - for most of this past week, I've felt constantly like a panicked animal - like a frozen squirrel you walk by on the sidewalk before they run up a nearby tree. I have no explanation for this feeling, really.

Saturday was a crazy day of moving in, followed by a few days of unpacking and settling in. Every time I leave home I feel this overwhelming feeling of emotions - ones of excitement, and ones that make me want to curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and refuse to grow up. You might think that after three years of moving out and starting a new school year I would be used to this whole process of change - but can you really get used to change? I feel like that might be a contradiction. Still, I think it's possible to learn how to handle change well, and I wish I had that mastered.

Tuesday I had my first anxiety attack in a while - its like a beast lurking in the shadows - you know its coming but it hits when you're weak. I've never felt so frustrated or hopeless - fighting to breathe and not throw up as I'm laying in my living room trying to speak truth. Voices just taunting me with lies - fighting against the belief that my anxiety will rule my life for the rest of my life - it just seems so impossible that I could be free from it - that I could never have to struggle with it again.

Tuesday night: God reminds me of Joshua and Jericho - of the Israelites - of His command to be "strong and courageous" to "not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you may go." (Josh 1:9). He reminds me of how impossible and impenetrable the walls of Jericho seemed to the Israelites - and yet how He brought them crashing down. He reminded me that the battle is the Lord's - that He's already won - and that Satan has no power over me except that which I give him. Peace reigned - even if it was just for a few moments - and that ignited hope.

Wednesday - Psych orientation. The class I've literally been dreading. I mean, if there is a class I've ever been terrified about - it is this one, and I am not exaggerating when I say I feel terrified. The kind of fear that paralyzes you and makes you want to find any and every excuse to not go to clinical. It's irrational - for sure - but I'm being honest. I called my mom after clinical orientation and cried like a baby. For reasons I literally can't mention - but they exist.

Thursday - Peds orientation - the fear I had about working with children is almost gone - I'm now excited about this class. Still nervous about working with kids, but really excited about my professor - who's also my clinical leader. It should be good.

Friday - OB orientation - pumped. Enough said.

Ways you can pray for me:
1. Pray for discipline in my quiet times, prayer life, and scripture memory - it's normally the first thing to go when my life gets busy but the only thing I need.

2. Pray for application of the Word and humility/a teachable heart
3. Pray that I would confidently claim the victory I have in Christ over my struggle with anxiety and self-worship
4. Pray for peace - peace all over - in my daily life and especially in my clinicals (psych for sure).
5. Pray for opportunities to share/be the Gospel as I spend time with my classmates, professors, and patients
6. Pray for an outlet in which I can safely process all that happens in clinical - that I won't clam up about the hard experiences, but that I would process everything in a healthy manner.

thanks loves,
a

ebenezer

2010-08-08T16:37:00.001-04:00

God has helped me this far, He will help me still more. Jesus, You are faithful.